Day 60 - Traditions Suck Ice

Earlier today it was reported that a local high school hockey league in Pennsylvania would be removing the National Anthem from the sequence of game events to save time, robbing some poor tone-deaf, American Idol hopeful of some practice and providing all of sixty seconds of extra time to the refs, families, and players. Here are the top ten ways that hockey arenas are saving time during their games:

10. Convincing everyone Daylight Savings Time has ended in the middle of the second period and calling the game right there.
9. Only calling penalties when somebody bleeds.
8. Outlawing bleeding.
7. Taking a minute off the clock every time somebody misses a shot on goal. Rangers games will last five minutes.
6. Shortening intermission to five minutes, giving the t-shirt crew enough time to launch one tank top.
5. Using Columbus Blue Jackets timekeepers to keep the clocks going during face-offs, time-outs, and commercials.
4. Eliminating the puck over the glass rule and keeping play going.
3. Calling the mercy rule when teams go up 4-0, limiting the time for Flyers-Pens games and Devils-Kings games.
2. Only calling offsides or icing if the puck ends up on the other side of a different rink.
1. Calling no-goal for points that would tie the game and a double goal for points that would end the game.

Day 59 - Blades of Reel

It occurs to me that we haven't had a real hockey movie in a number of years and we haven't had a good movie based on a video game in a number of ever, so it's high time that the fume-filled idea tank that the car of Hollywood runs on finally makes a movie based on the NES classic, "Blades of Steel". My movie would be called "Blades of Steel", about a group of misguided youth, who after fencing some iPhones and Macbooks (the real money is in Apple products), they are sentenced to community service cleaning a local ice rink. They, of course, develop a fondness for the ice and are naturals at the game. Taking place in either Pittsburgh or Detroit, they come across privileged youth whose parents are going to destroy their new found home to make way for either a new subdivision, an Apple store (IRONY!) or a toxic waste factory (there's a huge market for people who love manufactured toxic waste). For some reason, this all depends on the outcome of a pick-up game of hockey and the kids are taught by some out-of-work actor, like Jeff Daniels. What's he been doing? He's hilarious. And would make a great coach. And he leads them to victory. And then there's a montage of what everyone's doing.

I need contacts in Hollywood. This is brilliant.

Day 58 - So Shines a Good Deed...

Steve Fehr has reported that a deal that ends the lockout might not be too far off, which puts one shiny glimmer of hope into this dismal and abysmal mess. From what Sidney Crosby has said, it sounds like all the players had to do was make some serious concessions, like giving up pay and concessions. This is good news as my fantasy football team is an abject failure and my football football team is an abject failure.

If passed, the NHL hopes for a 70 game season. What would that look like? Off the top of my head, I feel like each team would have six games against intradivisional opponents (twenty-four total), four games against intraconference, nonintradivisional opponents (forty games total), and six games against interconference opponents. With very little Western Conference opponents and Adam Oates' offensive minded strategy, the Washington Capitals would have their best chance of showing up for the playoffs in years.

Please be right, Steve Fehr.

http://sports.yahoo.com/news/no-progress-made-round-nhl-101226439--nhl.html

Day 57 - Happy Veteran's Day

Today, we pay tribute to the players that dedicated their lives to the game, taking it through it's ups and downs, and really should have quit years ago.

Sean O'Donnell - One of the lesser knowns of the NHL, he took an interesting approach to winning a Stanley Cup by basically touring with every team until one of them won a Stanley Cup.

Jaromir Jagr - Best known for being one of the most overpaid players for the Washington Capitals, never helping them to win a Stanley Cup, a mistake the Capitals vowed never to make again on a Czech player.

Teemu Selanne - In 2012, was the oldest player to make 20 goals, which was mostly items scratched off of his bucket list.


Martin Brodeur - Having broken most of Patrick Roy's records, still chasing his dream of scoring more goals than Ron Hextall.

Dwayne Roloson - Loves to regale kiddies with the tales of what hockey was like during the disco era.

Day 56 - An Informal Lunch

Continuing their less than noteworthy negotiations, the owners and players met up for an informal lunch on Saturday. What is an informal lunch for the upper class? Generic brand escargot that is slightly more than a day old, domestic wine from the current year, in a location that can hardly be described as five stars. Probably four and a half, tops. The side dishes were probably either lobster or steak, but not both, budget cutbacks. The owners and players probably only brought their B-list girlfriends and drove in last year's Benz.

Anyway, in what probably looked like the Upper Crust version of a high school cafeteria, with all the owners sitting at one table, the players at another, and Sean Avery serving food and washing dishes, they came to the decision to meet again, an agreement which just sounds like it started off with a decision to make a decision or something ludicrous. This is a most ultimate test of trial, tribulation, and tolerance. May the rewards of a shortened season and debilitated players be worth this financial game of chicken.

Day 55 - Molson of a...

The negative externalities from the lack of hockey have begun to dig deep into the foamy pockets of beer distributors, namely Molson who has decided to seek damages from the NHL if hockey doesn't return anytime soon. This leads me to think that every industry who has come to depend on revenue in some form from hockey should just form a class action lawsuit and sue the Gary Bettman and all of the owners, setting an awesome precedent for any time an industry gets devastated.

If Molson is able to sue the National Hockey League, then the following entities should be allowed to sue as well:

Every bar and grill or restaurant whose winter revenues come from mostly from hockey. This would give us the opportunity to see Bennigan's make a huge comeback. I miss the Turkey O'Toole.

The kids in third world countries who have come to depend on apparel from the playoff losers and really wanted the 2013 version of the San Jose Sharks Western Champions shirts.

The water companies that keep us hydrated after drinking Molson, like Deer Park and Bud Light.

The doctors and nurses who have come to depend on revenue from people who concuss each other during and after games and can never remember if they've paid their bill, so they pay it again anyway.

Every construction company in a major city. If Vancouver doesn't have hockey, where are they going to come up with the funds to rebuild their city after hockey?

I applaud Molson for having the gall and lucidity to stand up to the NHL and say no more. People need hockey and beer in their lives. Godspeed, sirs.

Day 54 - Negotiations, Evidently Day Three

Slightly beknownst to me, the players and the owners have taken it upon themselves to behave like adults and have indulged themselves in meeting at an undisclosed location in New York (in my head, it's probably Famous Ray's, so that no one can ever hope to find them) in order to come to some sort of friendly agreement (this season's canceled and Santa isn't real, sorry Taylor). While I would like to think they have spent the last three days brutally discussing every caveat of the CBA, finances, and player contracts for the next five years, some small part of me feels like they are doing something trivial and menial, like exchanging rookie cards for sale on eBay, since that may be the only source of hockey revenue we see this season.

Donald Fehr has reportedly been communicating the wrong information to the players in regards to what the owners have been negotiating (No, Mr. Crosby, they didn't say that your mom was a fat pig who should put out of her own misery, they called her swine...SWINE, Mr. Crosby). None of this will be known for sure until the hockey lockout ends or until Anoynomus hacks Donald Fehr's e-mail account, but the cynical and conspiracy theory part of me can't help but wonder if Donald Fehr is trying to get as much mileage out of "Owners Being Un-Fehr" as much as possible. All good union disagreements have been solved with uncanny puns, dating back to the MLB Player's Strike when their union leader declared "Players Demand Fehr Treatment". Wait, this is the same guy? Crap.