Day 67 - The Rhythm of Doldrums

The Players' Association met today with a proposal that was immediately shot down. The season is seriously in question as this stalemate continues. There has been very little progress made since the start of this lockout, unless you count outlandish offers and childish name progress, in which case, tons of progress has been made and hockey will start tomorrow.

I can't imagine this has been at all healthy for the Canadian entertainment economy, which has now probably been reduced to documentaries on moose hunting and reality shows that follow the exciting lives of Mounties, which is just the Canadian equivalent of a suburban cop, scouring the streets for hardened cats that ferociously hang out on neighbors' trees, much to the chagrin of grandma. Hockey was really the only thing Canada had going for it, other than the renaming and reselling of American meats in a circular format. Perhaps I should start an Egg McMuffin campaign so Gary Bettman doesn't bankrupt the poor country of Canada.

Day 66 - Stanley Bowl

Earlier today, a Toronto Maple Leafs fan spent $5300 on a toilet that came from the illustrious Maple Leaf Gardens home dressing room. After being outbid on a Stanley Cup banner, assumed to be for the Maple Leafs organization, his attention changed to this capricious commode, a divine derriere dump, truly a legend in the world of bathroom fixtures. Here's a list of the top ten things people have ever wasted money on in regards to hockey items.

10. $3200 - shower fixture from Joe Louis Arena.

9. $1000 - plunger from Madison Square Garden

8. $5400 - a toilet that came from the Maple Leafs Gardens away dressing room.

7. $5 - for ten years' worth of Columbus Blue Jackets season tickets.

6. $5 - anything related to the Columbus Blue Jackets.

5. $50 - NHL 13. Mine didn't include Ovechkin and Backstrom playing for the Dynamo Moscow

4. $1200 - yearly property insurance in Vancouver.

3. $100,000,000 - Ilya Kovalchuk's contract that puts him playing in the NHL until 2350, when by then all hockey players will have been replaced by genetically engineered alien cyborgs.

2. $1000 - the bet I made in a pool that hockey would be back by now.

1. $200 - what every Caps fan spent on Eastern Conference Champions t-shirts every year from 2009-2012.

Day 65 - All Quiet on the Weastern Front

Today, the NHL and the NHLPA met for about two hours talking about essentially nothing. This Seinfeldian approach to bargaining probably devolved into a discussion about the minutiae of the various types of bagels and cream cheeses available at coffee shops in New York. According to reliable sources on the Internet and Facebook and Twitter (friends of friends of friends whose dad totally worked on Sidney Crosby when he had that concussion thing), this week is the make or break week for the NHL meaning we either get a shortened hockey season like in the nineties or the first lockout sequel in major league sports history, which means Disney or every B-movie studio should totally buy the rights to this thing now. As usual, I will keep you posted on the dial-up speed of negotiations. Waiting for this lockout to end is like waiting for AOL to download something in 1995. 

Day 64 - NHL Lockout: The Musical!

Once the lockout is all said and done, I'm sure this horrendous experiment will be translated across all media: book, video game, movie, song, and musical. Reaching out to the core demographic of hockey fans who are into Broadway musicals, I'm writing the future review (not a preview, this writing assumes somebody watched this travesty of showstopping musical numbers and contrite plot lines loosely basing the actual storyline on anything that was remotely close resembling reality).

Bryan Adams and Barishnokov's long lost nephew star as Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin, two buddies who are shocked to find that their favorite after school activity is being brought down by the the Evil Empire of Owners ("Locked Out of Time"). Donald Fair, local legend and up and coming law star, decides to handle the case, taking on his former schoolmate, Gary Bettman ("You Can Bet on Bettman"). Henrik and Daniel Sedin are portrayed by the twin boys from "Full House", the ones that were supposed to replace Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, until they were found to be way too profitable to be replaced. Anyway, they play bumbling idiots that represent the interest of the players ("Twinteresting Tweets"). Act One closes in a chorus of all the players during "The Game is Gamed and the Players are Played", as fans break out into a riot and destroy the downtowns of their favorite major American and Canadian cities.

Act Two begins with a depressed Crosby and Ovechkin playing hockey in a small town, devoid of life and humanity, Albany, New York. This leads to their part time job as rankers for Olympic hopefuls ("Figure Raters"). Defeated and undergoing depression, the two lads find hope in the most heartfelt number in the show. The number "Revenual Renewal: Sharing is Caring" performed by Justin Bieber in his Broadway debut, representing Morgan Reilly, describes his plan to better things for the small market teams. This leads to the players marching on Toronto. Everything comes to a hilt when Gary Bettman wins the Irish lottery in an e-mail and welcomes all the players back to the major leagues ("Record Break-Even Point").

Playing at the Rockefeller Center, this musical shows that two guys can make a difference, even in a world where everything is going against them. I give it three out of five stars. The musical numbers were creative and accessible to even the most casual of hockey/musical fans. The storyline is rather engaging and the actors playing the hockey players looked real. Oh, they were played be real hockey players? Ah. Don't slip up and miss this musical! Buy season tickets as this show is contractually obligated not to get canceled.

Day 63 - Teemu Selanne May Retire

The Iron Man of hockey, Teemu Selanne, may not return to play for the NHL if this lockout cancels the entire season. Hockey's centaganarian has decided that his storied eighty year career, a career which covers every Gary Bettman lockout, a strike, and some minor inconveniences when the concession stands were short-staffed, will no longer be worth the wear and tear on his hip replacement for his hip replacement, his hand-cranked pacemaker, or his vintage dentures. In his defense, his Model T does not run as well as it used to. This is a god among men and a notable loss to the NHL if he does not return to professional hockey. He will reportedly be spending more time with his kids, volunteering, and playing for the Ottawa Senators.

Day 62 - The Two Week Break

The lockout is looking less like a discussion between men and more like the rules of engagement of your average 90s teenage drama. James Van Der Beek did not deal with as much lunacy and irrational negotiation. A two week break accomplishes nothing. Maybe the two sides should finally get together and agree to see other leagues. This pettiness grows weary on this writer.

Day 61 - Nobody Talks

It started with a whisper. This swelled into the voices of millions of screaming fans that were suddenly silenced. This roller coaster of a lockout has taken a downward turn as the players and both sides have decided that the most healthy course of action is to stop talking to each other and pretend like nothing's wrong, like a high school couple that's broken up. (The NHLPA has reportedly defriended the NHL on Facebook, but is telling the NFL, NBA, and MLB that everything's fine, they're just going through some things.)

With this stunned silence comparable to Oilers fans when their team wins a game comes the threat that this season may very well be cooked, maybe a little overdone, maybe next year try basting it with the tears of fans every half hour to keep the season moist and edible. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way and the lack of communication is more comparable to a wedding, where the groom can't see the bride. Well, owners, no peeking at the players too soon or you will doom hockey forever and even with the two-line pass  stripe splitting rinks, it's still pretty hard to cut up arenas two ways (mostly because NBA players would rather not be averse to playing three-on-three half court in Los Angeles).

The fans of pro hockey beg both sides to come to an agreement soon.