Day 39 - Brooklynsanity - Hockey Moves to Bucktown

Continuing the traditions of picking up the leftovers of Jersey and the surrounding areas of the New York metropolitan area, Brooklyn will be hosting the New York Islanders in a new arena entitled the Barclays Center in 2015 and home to the Brooklyn Nets. This arenaplex will most likely feature all the modern amenities that have become really standard in contemporary competition centers including an LED Jumbotron, state-of-the-art training facilities, and fans. Until 2015, the New York Islanders will continue their lockout stint outside of the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum (which gives them a full two seasons before the next work stoppage!).

Built from 1969 to 1972, mostly on broken disco records and broken dreams, the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum played host to the New York Islanders for four really good years and 36 rather painstaking years (or what the Cubs call "good times"). This dilapidated, decrepit, and dismal dump is about as exciting as visiting my grandma, except my grandma has WIFI, no roaches, and since she's really good at crosswords, has been known to win a few times in her home. Kyle Okposo has gone on record as saying he will miss his home arena, but for some reason he kept mispronouncing the Nassau Coliseum as the Mariucci Arena.

The owners have gone on record as stating the name and logo will remain unchanged. Personally, I would like to see the name changed to the Bucktown Cashmoneymakers, with the mascot being "DollaBillzYall", who hands out front-loaded t-shirts to fans at the game. Season tickets are already on sale for a $200 deposit. Please note this is money spent that gives you the right to spend more money (like a really cheap version of college). In mirroring the tradition of Jay-Z and the Nets, I would like to see Eminem take part ownership in the New York Islanders, if only to see John Tavares spout "Without Me" to his teammates and fans every home game.

Look for the Islanders to start playing in Brooklyn in three years. Also, look for any hockey team to play in three years.

Day 38 - A History of Work Stoppages

1968 NFL Strike: July 3, 1968 - July 14, 1968
Your grandparents probably remember this fondly. These were the eleven days they weren't on LSD.



1970 NFL Strike: July, 1970 - July, 1970
Ended with the creation of a bigger union with stronger communication, the owners give players enough money to install tin cans with wire attached to every locker room.


1972 MLB Strike: April 1, 1972 - April 13, 1972
The first work stoppage in MLB history began as a harmless April Fool's prank and led to a bigger pension fund.

1973 MLB Lockout: February 8, 1973 - February 25, 1973
Overshadowed by the addition of the designated hitter rule, which most players assumed meant Pete Rose was on your team.

1974 NFL Strike: July 1, 1974 - August 10, 1974
Started by players not playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers who were extremely afraid of playing the Pittsburgh Steelers.

1980 MLB Strike: April 1, 1980 - April 8, 1980
At first glance a fight over free agent compensation, but really was just players tired of spring training.

1981 MLB Strike: June 12, 1981 - July 31, 1981
A fight over free agency and the owners' thoughts on player retention, this was mostly so players' could get to say the phrase "One, Two, Three Strikes, You're Out".

1982 NFL Strike: September 21, 1982 - November 16, 1982
Best remembered for an extremely shortened schedule and a 16-team playoff, which led to interesting results, like the Cleveland Browns making the playoffs. The BCS would later adopt the "everybody goes to the postseason somehow" format.

1985 MLB Strike: August 6, 1985 - August 7, 1985
The league minimum salary increases from $40,000 to $60,000, which in today's dollars is more money than I will ever make in a year, why do these guys complain so much?

1987 NFL Strike: September, 1987 - October 15, 1987
Replacement players are brought in from outside sources. A trickle-down effect occurs so colleges have to recruit more players from other sports and the more masculine looking cheerleaders.

1994-1995 MLB Strike: August 12, 1994 - April 2, 1995
Fans flocked to show their support for baseball players as the strike reminded them that baseball still existed.

1995 NBA Lockout: July 1, 1995 - September 12, 1995
Mostly a ploy by Seattle Supersonics head coach George Karl to see if they could trick Jordan into staying in retirement.

1996 NBA Lockout: July 10, 1996
Lasted for a couple of hours. You probably didn't notice it because you were too busy watching "Space Jam".

2011 NFL Lockout: March 11, 2011 - July 25, 2011
Known as the "Summer Without Football". So...just like every other summer.

2011 NBA Lockout: July 1, 2011 - December 8, 2011
Players went to China to play and then Jeremy Lin got famous in the NBA. I just find that hilarious.

2012 NHL Lockout: September 15, 2012 - ???
Owners lock the players out of the only game in town, so players move to other towns. And get paid more.

Day 37 - The Hockey Gods

Each professional sport has their own set of grand operating deities to which fans of the sport can pray when their team needs that extra surge of energy at the end of the game or when clingy, desperate hopes reach a new high that beer and pizza just can't fill.

Anteludes - the god of the preseason - This is the god responsible for delivering false hope to fans of the Columbus Blue Jackets and Edmonton Oilers. Mostly small market owners praise this deity.

Ludeglacio - the god of regular season games - This is the higher power one should subscribe to if they only care about making the playoffs or if you want the game to go into overtime. This god worked overtime as many Panthers converts found out about him.

Historiglacius - the god of hockey history - This god is to be prayed to when you want to permanently engrain a game into your head, like the 1980 Miracle game or permanently delete a game from your head, like the 2010 Caps-Habs series, which totally didn't happen.

Testaludo - the god of Stanley Cup playoffs games - The guy in charge of who wins the Stanley Cup. He has been known to play favorites. He has been known to not play Vancouver or San Jose. 

Exblocus - the god of tragedy - This god's inbox is currently inundated with the sad, whaling cries of hockey fanatics across America and Canada.

Visludicus - the god of NHL '13 -  The god that somehow saw it fit for me to still have Eric Fehr on my team, even though he hasn't played in DC since he was teammates with Steckel.

Phantasius - the god of fantasy hockey - He mostly just manages the cognitive dissonance you feel for putting Evgeni Malkin, Alex Ovechkin, and Ilya Kovalchuk on the same team.

Ceres - the god of the minor league - The divine authority who makes sure your farm team players are good enough for professional games, but no more than ten, so they don't make the league minimum. Another popular one for owners.

Comercies - the god of trades - the higher power that oversaw the Staal move to Carolina and the Nash move to New York, because there's really no other way to explain it.

Day 36 - Til Refs Do Us Part

In honor of some of my closest friends getting married, I thought I would take this opportunity to share with all of you some of the most historic moments of love shared on the ice. Here is a brief rundown of the history of hockey marriages.

July 24, 1899 - Paul Armstrong weds Bella Abell
One of the last NHL weddings to take place on a pond, this marriage would predate written hockey history by at least 105 years.

April 23, 1960 - Phyllis Hockin marries Walter Gretzky
Rarely mentioned in the press and in his autobiography, Walter fails in his promise to give his wife the greatest soccer star of all time.

June 22, 1996 - Valeri Bure ceremoniously conjoins Candace Cameron
No longer having to live in the large shadow of his brother Pavel Bure, now enjoys playing second fiddle to his wife, DJ, at various Full House reunions. Finds it cute that the Olsen twins just stand at the end of the hall saying, "Come play with us. Forever and ever."

July 19, 1996 - Teemu Selanne becomes bethrothed to Sirpa Vuorinen
Fresh off of his sixth rookie year, Teemu Selanne looks to settle down, get married, and give up hockey in the next forty to fifty years.

Summer, 1998 - Byron Dafoe marries his wife
At the reception, Olaf Kolzig makes an off-color remark that leads to all guests breaking out and fighting one another. Olie makes a promise to never partake in an incident like this again.

July 19, 2002 - Saku Koivu marries Hanna Norio
His wedding featured groomsmen Teemu Selanne and Jere Lehtinen in a ceremony that doubled as both a wedding procession and a World Hockey Championship. His wife has more rings than he does.

July 10, 2004 - Patrick Marleau marries Christina Alvernaz
Marleau leads the Sharks in goals, even strength goals, power play goals, points, and shots. Marleau's wife ties the Sharks wives in husbands who have Stanley Cups.

February 19, 2010 - Mike Comrie marries Hilary Duff
The pair was introduced when Sidney Crosby set up Mike Comrie on a blind date with the girl from "Even Stevens".

Day 35 - Ode to the Girlfriends of Hockey Fans

*Note: If you want to steal this to seem romantic when hockey starts back up, change the person from 2nd to 1st"

In spite of our intense obsession
The puck drops down and you've lost our attention
To the players spinning and turning all kinds of directions
The phrase "You gonna sit wit me?" being our only affection

It's primal instincts
To watch these frost giants engage in their war
Demolishing one another for a rubber biscuit
Until they pass the gatekeeper with it and put up a score

It's three periods of boisterousness
with our ambiguous yell
"Did you score or give one up"
That's a dealbreaker if you can't even tell

You're a vital part of our viewing experience
Offering moral support
With cheers, whoops, laughs
To our semi-funny retorts

Like when Steve Stamkos slips and falls on the ice
Or when we pick up Braden Holtby for a killer price
Or when Hartnell flips out which seems to be his vice
Or when Semin scores in the playoffs, I think that happened twice

We beg you be patient and please don't breakaway
Keep your poise, don't start a fight
The players have a our focus until the end of the game
But you've got us to yourselves for the rest of the night (post highlights)

Please know that in the end
it's you that we love more
if you faced the Oilers in shootout
You'd win even if you didn't score

So together let's explore
Glory, guts and gore
On hockey's dance floor
It's you we adore

Day 34 - Top Ten: How to Haze Rookies During a Lockout

Given the current state of hockey, it's hard to break the newbies in to their newfound professional environs. Here are some of the creative ways team have found to give the new pros a rite of passage.

10. Taking care of Karl Alzner's dogs in their personal homes even though he's sitting right there, playing NHL '13.
9. Forcing the rookies to walk the equipment of KHL players to and from Russia.
8. Making the newbs memorize the 75,000 page playbook and the 75,000 page financials.
7. Helping every motorist on I-95 and apologizing for the Caps not advancing in the playoffs but at least this time it's totally not their fault.
6. Hosing down the dozens of protesters in Toronto.
5. Tying up rookies to office chairs at lockout meetings and then having them race.
4. Adorning the fresh faces with Sean Avery's fashion line for use during negotiations.
3. Having the rookies circle around Teemu Selanne and hear about the lockouts in the good old days, when if you wanted to tweet about the situation, your agent had to have a press release, uphill both ways.
2. Handing over three "legitimate" counteroffers and having Nail Yakupov deliver them to the owners. Hilarity will ensue for everyone not named Nail Yakupov.
1. Giving the rookies Gary Bettman's haircut.

Day 33 - Gary Bettman used Flash!

Like a high school guidance counselor explaining the real world to the public school kid who has no real potential to the real world, all of hockey's fans' dreams were crushed like an ant by a quarrelsome boot today when the NHLPA offered three different counterproposals which were quickly dismissed like a nerd offering up date suggestions to the high school beauty queen (we can either see "The Avengers", play Starcraft 2, or look at the stars...through a telescope). Also, I'll stop the high school analogies.

The NHLPA offered three options. The first offered a 50/50 split in revenues by year three, with a quicker upturn if growth were to keep growing exponentially (eventually, the players hope to be able to divide eleventy billion dollars). The second would be a 50/50 split by the fifth year, which would save the league $854 million dollars according to the players (they also stated the owners could save that much by taking some tips from "Extreme Couponers"). The third option would be an immediate 50/50 split, provided all existing contractual obligations are paid in full, resulting in a 13% post lockout salary cut, but an immediate salary gain of infinity percent.

Gary Bettman reportedly stated he was "thoroughly disappointed" with the counteroffers, commenting that he and the players were "not speaking the same language". To be fair, the counteroffer was written in a combination of English, French, Russian, Swedish, Esperanto, Klingon, and the Sedin's secret twinspeak. None of this bodes well at all for well for fans of hockey, the collateral damage in this fray. I half expect the next offer by the owners will be salaries paid in Groupons, with player families getting slightly discounted tickets to games, and players getting all the waffle cones they can eat (up to three per player per season)!

My hopes were burned to the ground by the pyromaniac Boy Scout that is Gary Bettman.