Day 88 - How to Save the 82 Game Season

While everyone else gave up hope when the Winter Classic got canceled, I kept up my dangerous optimism which is the only the thing that has kept me sane during these horrid circumstances. My optimism is so dangerous that I still think that we can have a full 82 game season, no matter how late we start. Just hear me out. We have a couple of strategies here, all of which involve a double header. The first method is to have half-length games and just double the stats at the end and have the home team host two games that evening. This would create very exciting half paced games and would almost make up for when we didn't have hockey.

The second thing we can do is have full double or triple headers on a given day. But Jimmy, wouldn't that create problems for markets with NBA teams? As a Washington fan, I can assure you that most NBA teams aren't fully utilizing the space anyway and would not mind letting hockey players use the arena for ice rather than hardwood. This also creates a great opportunity for us to finally start combining the sports of hockey and basketball, which will further lend itself to value added markets like my Space Jam/Mighty Ducks fanfic that will finally hold merit. Michael Jordan and Emilio Estevez in the same movie? Yes!

The biggest problem with crunching so many games into such a tight schedule is travel. The third and final method would be to host the first half of the season over the course of a month in a tournamentesque format at the unused facilities at the London Olympics. It's true that none of those were hockey facilities. I think they would be easy enough to convert and I think it would give soccer fans a chance to see what a real sport looks like. Hockey is like rugby on ice. This would be great for recruiting.

This is completely doable. If not this season, then next season, when I will demand a baseball schedule of hockey games.

Day 87 - The Blizzard of Oz, An Allegary

Thanksgiving is the time of year when "The Wizard of Oz" is shown on about twenty different networks. Since I'm always about two or three weeks behind, I just watched it on my DVR, despite my mom owning a copy of it on VHS and DVD (because you can't recapture the feeling of fast forwarding those ads on a disc). There a lot of similarities between the current NHL standing and this holiday classic (most importantly, they both sync up to Pink Floyd rather nicely, especially with a dose of pumpkin pie or beer).

Let's start with the cast of characters: Dorothy, the Munchkins, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, the Wicked Witch, and the Wizard. Dorothy, wanting to escape the confines of her lower class, midwestern upbringing, clearly represents either the Columbus Blue Jackets or small-market teams as a whole. The yellow brick road represents the dusty trail (Interstate 70) and the ruby red slippers are her desire to join the New York Rangers. The Munchkins represent the rookies, the unknown future of hockey, the little Pee Wees. They have very little say in future matters, but current decision making is important to their future prospects.

The Tin Man with his hollow shell, inability to budge, and lack of heart is obviously Gary Bettman. Having no brain or the ability to solve basic problems, the Scarecrow is a really good metaphor for Gary Bettman. And the Cowardly Lion, all words, but no game, is Donald Fehr. The Wicked Witch of the West, extremely ticked at how things have been going in Oz for the past couple of years, in spite of things being awesome, represents the owners. As an aside, this makes the general management the Flying Monkeys. Finally, there is the Wizard, who is completely oblivious to the needs of his constituents in Oz. He represents Gary Bettman.

If we follow the story, a young girl journeys with her friends to find her way home and get gifts to them, only to hallucinate and murder someone in the process, we can follow the similarities and predict the end of the lockout. Dorothy and company make their pleas with the Wizard (the teams pleading and Gary fighting with himself), only to be sent away. The owners (Witch) kidnap the players and then Gary Bettman has to pretend to save them (positive negotiations). Then the players offer a truce only to throw water on the witch owners, which results in the negotiation meltdown. When everybody returns to the Wizard/Gary Bettman, he offers the players the chance to return home (playing), but accidentally leaves in the balloon (purposefully leaves in a limo, never to be seen again). The players will then click their ruby skates and return to their home countries.And then there's a meaningless sequel that no one watches (the 2013-2014 season).

It's not a perfect analogy, but eerily apropos. I'll keep you posted on how this pans out.

Day 86 - Santa Claws

A mall Santa in Ontario, perhaps tired of being paid in milk and cookies or growing wearing of all the fat jokes, he lost all of his holly and jolly and let loose a barrage of insults on an unfortunate three year-old Toronto fan. I'm not sure what's sadder, a three year-old being dumped on by a season temp or despite hockey being canceled, I'm fairly sure the Maple Leafs still have a losing record. You have to feel for this kid. The following is a brief history of other holiday figures and their meltdowns in relation to hockey fans.

The Easter Bunny - April 18-19, 1987 - Fearing competition from a hockey game going into thirty-uple overtime, the Easter Bunny throws in a black egg into the wickets behind Washington goalie Bob Mason. The players are too tired to care. The Capitals team sleeps until Alex Ovechkin comes on the scene.

Stuffing The Thanksgiving Turkey - November 25, 2011 - A giant turkey tells Tim Thomas that he sucks. Not an unusual occurrence, but this turkey sounded oddly like Pavel Datsyuk.

Larry, the Labor Day Louse - September 3, 2012 - Not an actual holiday figure, just Gary Bettman laughing at all the players on loop for three hours.

Baby New Year - January 1 - Not so much a problem figure, just a rotating nickname amongst the Montreal Canadiens. This year it was Brian Gionta!

Father Time  - October 1, 1992 - Teemu Selanne wishes to be the longest lasting player ever. He regrettably neglects to wish for eternal youth or the ability to grow more than five facial hairs.

Day 85 - Top Ten Ways Hockey Fans Thinly Veil Talking About Hockey With Their Friends.

10. Talking about their strategies in gambling, often ending in: "You bet, man!"
9. Retitled "Apples-To-Apples" to "Owners-To-Players" and rewrote all the cards to various apology words
8. Refers to their bathroom as the penalty box. Also, only lets you use it for two minutes.
7. The implications of the work stoppages for the NBA and NFL and ice sports in Russia.
6. Giving you performance reviews on your conversation skills, saying you have a high save percentage.
5. Only using an intercom to conduct business, which he refers to as the Negotiable Howling Loudness PA
4. Inundating you with a barrage of insults, amazed that you can "take all the shots"
3. Telling you all about this new pizza place that offers you the best Red Wings
2. Repeatedly encourages you to come over to watch a "Face/Off" marathon
1. Coming up to you when you're trapped out of your car saying, "Locked out again? I hate lockouts." Oddly enough, he always happens to be around when you're locked out. You need new friends.

Day 84 - Hockey Atheism

There is a set of unspoken deities in the hockey realm that I wrote about in a previous post that are supposed to prevent long-term situations like this overly drawn out and overly dramatic work stoppage from happening. Slapping the face of every hockey fan out there and laughing at us as we continue to cling to the last shred of hope that there might be a tiny season (around 57 games, which calculated in minutes adds up to a short baseball game). Do I dare say it? I want to say that we are all a group of desperate fools. But nay. This is not the case at all.

While our faith goes completely unheeded and essentially ignored during these troubled times, we hold on to the long-term, the future, the unknown. You see, fellow men, while it may not happen in 2012, our glorious sport will return to us in one form or the other. Maybe teams will return will prisoners as replacement players. Maybe the players will realize the greatest times in their young lives were performing on the national stage. Maybe the owner will come to realize that these players deserve every penny they earn, even when the league is only improving profit margins by only 20% per year. We're going to survive. We're going to go to arenas, and bars, and our best friends' houses because they have a better sound system and a really big TV. We're going to come out of this and hockey will be the best it's ever been. The players will all be hungry and in great need of pummeling the crap out of something. So pray to the hockey gods. Offer them sacrifices of your favorite jersey or free giveaway item from the time the Blue Jackets visited your iceplex. Shout joy across the land for your love of the game. Hockey shall return to us! In its pure, overcommercialized splendor!

It's going to be fine. This is a time of Christmas miracles. Or the world ending.

Day 83 - It's Going, Going, Gone!

Today marked one of the many black spots of this dismal lockout. After three solid days of amicable negotiation, the talks broke down like an episode of Jerry Springer. The following is how I imagine the talks went.

Narrator:
We'd like to welcome the host of our show, Gary Bettman!

Gary Bettman:
Hi, folks. Arguing is hard. Fighting is harder Neither ever lead to the solutions or outcomes that we desire. Today on a very special "Gary Bettman Show", we'd like to introduce to our viewing audiences two sides of loving family that have been fighting for nearly three months now. Here today are three special players on a show entitled, "If You Can't Play Nice, Get Off the Ice." Everybody give a warm welcome to Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, and Ryan Miller

Audience woos.

Gary Bettman:
Thanks for coming on the show today, guys.

Sidney Crosby:
Thanks, Gary, it's a pleasure to be here.

Ryan Miller:
Yeah, we really appreciate it.

Alex Ovechkin:
Da, I love flyink to United States. Truly honor to be here in between goals in Russia.

Gary Bettman:
Don't you mean games?

Alex Ovechkin:
No, I mean goals. I vil score two seconds after I step off plane in Moscow. My team wins by three. Even goalie will get point after I shoot puck off his mask.

Gary Bettman:
So what do you guys think the major problem here is?

Sidney Crosby:
Well, Gary, the heart of the problem seems to be aboot communication.

Ryan Miller:
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with Sid. We tried our best to meet the owners halfway to get a season started here for the fans and the owners just don't want to listen.

Alex Ovechkin:
I tell my fellow players that in Russia, the best negotiation tactic ees skullbashing. They say, "Wait until Winter Classic gets canceled." By that time, I'm already back in Russia. So, I pretend someone else is owner and bash their skull. I use it for pillow that night.

Gary Bettman:
This is a question just for Ryan Miller. Ryan, what do you think you would do if Terrence Pegula was here right now?

Ryan Miller:
I would probably shake his hand and thank him for the opportunity to play on his team for so many years and try to tell him that he and the other owners should try again.

Gary Bettman:
Well, we have a surprise for you, Ryan. Terrence Pegula is in the back and wants to talk things out right now.

Enter Terrence Pegula.
Audience cheers and shouts. Ryan Miller looks disgusted and surprised. He extends his hand and Terrence Pegula extends his hand. Then, Ryan Miller sucker punches Terrence Pegula. Audience yells, "Gary, Gary, Gary" in succession.

Ryan Miller (at Gary Bettman):
What the *bleep*?

Audience encourages the fight. Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby stand up to defend their hockey brother. Audience continues to yell, "Gary, Gary, Gary".

Ryan Miller (at Terrence Pegula):
Let's go, you *bleep*!

Ryan Miller goes low with a punch.

Terrence Pegula:
You call that a hit? If that's what you were going for, then "No, Goal!"

Ryan Miller is riled up and grabs a chair.Security separates everybody and Gary calms everybody down.

Gary Bettman:
Okay. Okay. All right.

Ryan Miller:
Do you see what we *bleep* have to *bleep* deal with on a daily *bleep* basis?

Gary Bettman:
It's okay. That's why we're here. We're here to talk.

Ryan Miller:
There's nothing to talk about.

Gary Bettman:
I'm sure Terrence doesn't feel the same way.

Terrence Pegula:
If you guys would quit being such whiners about getting paid.

Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby glare into his soul.

Terrence Pegula:
I mean, if you guys would behave like civilized people instead of unpotty-trained monkeys.

Ryan Miller:
You can't talk to these guys.

Gary Bettman:
Let's keep it civil, gentlemen. Now, Alex.

Alex Ovechkin:
Da.

Gary Bettman:
You liked Ted Leonsis?

Alex Ovechkin:
Yes, funny man. Once put paycheck in vodka and lit it on fire. Crazy thing is, only vodka burn. Waste of vodka, but hilarious joke.

Gary Bettman:
Well, Ted would like to make amends for the distraught trauma he's caused so far.

Alex Ovechkin looks quizzical and nonplussed. Ted Leonsis walks out with cheap vodka and a lit contract and high-fives Terrence Pegula while the audience shouts. Ovechkin grabs the vodka and pummels Leonsis and Pegula in a one-two motion. Audience shouts, "Gary, Gary, Gary."

Alex Ovechkin:
I'm going to send you to AO-Hell, Leonsissy!

Sidney Crosby:
Good one, Alex.

Alex Ovechkin:
Shut up, Crybaby Crosby!

Sidney Crosby:
Don't get mad at me you cupless bastard!

Sidney Crosby attempts to low blow Ovechkin only to find that there is in fact a cup.

Alex Ovechkin:
I always wear a cup when I know I'm going to be around you and your girlfriend, Craig Adams.

Sidney Crosby:
*Bleep* you, Oven Chicken!

Gary Bettman calms down the raucous players and crowd.

Gary Bettman:
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. There's no need to take it this far.

Sidney Crosby:
But he started...

Gary Bettman:
No, no. Sit down. Because I have a surprise for you, too.

Sidney Crosby:
Oh, no.

Gary Bettman:
It's the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, Mario Lemieux!

Mario Lemieux attempts to hug Crosby.

Sidney Crosby:
I'll give you the old one-up, Mario!

Sidney Crosby flips off Mario Lemieux. Not wanted to be as cordial, Mario Lemieux goes to punch Crosby, misses and hits Ryan Miller instead. Terrence Pegula and Ted Leonsis double team Gary Bettman.

Gary Bettman:
And now time for my final thought. Battles with words and fists are never a good way to solve any problem. Both parties end up worse than when they came in and the hurt feelings never really go away. Solve your problems like grown-ups. With words. And video games. Good night.

End scene

Day 82 - Top Ten Negotiation Tactics Attempted This Go Around

10. Passing around an "We concede all conditions to the owners" petition for all players to sign disguised as a "Free Ice Cream on Mondays" campaign.
9. Making an offer to only cap Ilya Kovalchuk's contracts to five years.
8. Producing a Hallmark card that says, "I'm sorry I locked you out three times in my tenure. Friends?"
7. The owners paying their head butlers to get on their knees and beg the players to come back.
6. Attempting to allow free agency under the agreement that free means the players don't get paid.
5. Stating that Columbus will never host an All-Star Game. It will only be played in major cities.
4. Road trip movies will no longer be limited to "The Mighty Ducks". Will now include the whole trilogy and the cartoon!
3. Threatening to expand the AHL to Canada, Russia, and Europe.
2. The Bugs Bunny Reversal: Starting an argument with the players, "You want to come back?" "No, we don't." "You do." "We don't." "You do." "We don't." "You don't." "We do!"
1. To eliminate travel, Winnipeg will either be moved to a new division or a new geographical location.