Today marked one of the many black spots of this dismal lockout. After three solid days of amicable negotiation, the talks broke down like an episode of Jerry Springer. The following is how I imagine the talks went.
Narrator:
We'd like to welcome the host of our show, Gary Bettman!
Gary Bettman:
Hi, folks. Arguing is hard. Fighting is harder Neither ever lead to the solutions or outcomes that we desire. Today on a very special "Gary Bettman Show", we'd like to introduce to our viewing audiences two sides of loving family that have been fighting for nearly three months now. Here today are three special players on a show entitled, "If You Can't Play Nice, Get Off the Ice." Everybody give a warm welcome to Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, and Ryan Miller
Audience woos.
Gary Bettman:
Thanks for coming on the show today, guys.
Sidney Crosby:
Thanks, Gary, it's a pleasure to be here.
Ryan Miller:
Yeah, we really appreciate it.
Alex Ovechkin:
Da, I love flyink to United States. Truly honor to be here in between goals in Russia.
Gary Bettman:
Don't you mean games?
Alex Ovechkin:
No, I mean goals. I vil score two seconds after I step off plane in Moscow. My team wins by three. Even goalie will get point after I shoot puck off his mask.
Gary Bettman:
So what do you guys think the major problem here is?
Sidney Crosby:
Well, Gary, the heart of the problem seems to be aboot communication.
Ryan Miller:
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with Sid. We tried our best to meet the owners halfway to get a season started here for the fans and the owners just don't want to listen.
Alex Ovechkin:
I tell my fellow players that in Russia, the best negotiation tactic ees skullbashing. They say, "Wait until Winter Classic gets canceled." By that time, I'm already back in Russia. So, I pretend someone else is owner and bash their skull. I use it for pillow that night.
Gary Bettman:
This is a question just for Ryan Miller. Ryan, what do you think you would do if Terrence Pegula was here right now?
Ryan Miller:
I would probably shake his hand and thank him for the opportunity to play on his team for so many years and try to tell him that he and the other owners should try again.
Gary Bettman:
Well, we have a surprise for you, Ryan. Terrence Pegula is in the back and wants to talk things out right now.
Enter Terrence Pegula.
Audience cheers and shouts. Ryan Miller looks disgusted and surprised. He extends his hand and Terrence Pegula extends his hand. Then, Ryan Miller sucker punches Terrence Pegula. Audience yells, "Gary, Gary, Gary" in succession.
Ryan Miller (at Gary Bettman):
What the *bleep*?
Audience encourages the fight. Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby stand up to defend their hockey brother. Audience continues to yell, "Gary, Gary, Gary".
Ryan Miller (at Terrence Pegula):
Let's go, you *bleep*!
Ryan Miller goes low with a punch.
Terrence Pegula:
You call that a hit? If that's what you were going for, then "No, Goal!"
Ryan Miller is riled up and grabs a chair.Security separates everybody and Gary calms everybody down.
Gary Bettman:
Okay. Okay. All right.
Ryan Miller:
Do you see what we *bleep* have to *bleep* deal with on a daily *bleep* basis?
Gary Bettman:
It's okay. That's why we're here. We're here to talk.
Ryan Miller:
There's nothing to talk about.
Gary Bettman:
I'm sure Terrence doesn't feel the same way.
Terrence Pegula:
If you guys would quit being such whiners about getting paid.
Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby glare into his soul.
Terrence Pegula:
I mean, if you guys would behave like civilized people instead of unpotty-trained monkeys.
Ryan Miller:
You can't talk to these guys.
Gary Bettman:
Let's keep it civil, gentlemen. Now, Alex.
Alex Ovechkin:
Da.
Gary Bettman:
You liked Ted Leonsis?
Alex Ovechkin:
Yes, funny man. Once put paycheck in vodka and lit it on fire. Crazy thing is, only vodka burn. Waste of vodka, but hilarious joke.
Gary Bettman:
Well, Ted would like to make amends for the distraught trauma he's caused so far.
Alex Ovechkin looks quizzical and nonplussed. Ted Leonsis walks out with cheap vodka and a lit contract and high-fives Terrence Pegula while the audience shouts. Ovechkin grabs the vodka and pummels Leonsis and Pegula in a one-two motion. Audience shouts, "Gary, Gary, Gary."
Alex Ovechkin:
I'm going to send you to AO-Hell, Leonsissy!
Sidney Crosby:
Good one, Alex.
Alex Ovechkin:
Shut up, Crybaby Crosby!
Sidney Crosby:
Don't get mad at me you cupless bastard!
Sidney Crosby attempts to low blow Ovechkin only to find that there is in fact a cup.
Alex Ovechkin:
I always wear a cup when I know I'm going to be around you and your girlfriend, Craig Adams.
Sidney Crosby:
*Bleep* you, Oven Chicken!
Gary Bettman calms down the raucous players and crowd.
Gary Bettman:
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. There's no need to take it this far.
Sidney Crosby:
But he started...
Gary Bettman:
No, no. Sit down. Because I have a surprise for you, too.
Sidney Crosby:
Oh, no.
Gary Bettman:
It's the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, Mario Lemieux!
Mario Lemieux attempts to hug Crosby.
Sidney Crosby:
I'll give you the old one-up, Mario!
Sidney Crosby flips off Mario Lemieux. Not wanted to be as cordial, Mario Lemieux goes to punch Crosby, misses and hits Ryan Miller instead. Terrence Pegula and Ted Leonsis double team Gary Bettman.
Gary Bettman:
And now time for my final thought. Battles with words and fists are never a good way to solve any problem. Both parties end up worse than when they came in and the hurt feelings never really go away. Solve your problems like grown-ups. With words. And video games. Good night.
End scene
Narrator:
We'd like to welcome the host of our show, Gary Bettman!
Gary Bettman:
Hi, folks. Arguing is hard. Fighting is harder Neither ever lead to the solutions or outcomes that we desire. Today on a very special "Gary Bettman Show", we'd like to introduce to our viewing audiences two sides of loving family that have been fighting for nearly three months now. Here today are three special players on a show entitled, "If You Can't Play Nice, Get Off the Ice." Everybody give a warm welcome to Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, and Ryan Miller
Audience woos.
Gary Bettman:
Thanks for coming on the show today, guys.
Sidney Crosby:
Thanks, Gary, it's a pleasure to be here.
Ryan Miller:
Yeah, we really appreciate it.
Alex Ovechkin:
Da, I love flyink to United States. Truly honor to be here in between goals in Russia.
Gary Bettman:
Don't you mean games?
Alex Ovechkin:
No, I mean goals. I vil score two seconds after I step off plane in Moscow. My team wins by three. Even goalie will get point after I shoot puck off his mask.
Gary Bettman:
So what do you guys think the major problem here is?
Sidney Crosby:
Well, Gary, the heart of the problem seems to be aboot communication.
Ryan Miller:
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with Sid. We tried our best to meet the owners halfway to get a season started here for the fans and the owners just don't want to listen.
Alex Ovechkin:
I tell my fellow players that in Russia, the best negotiation tactic ees skullbashing. They say, "Wait until Winter Classic gets canceled." By that time, I'm already back in Russia. So, I pretend someone else is owner and bash their skull. I use it for pillow that night.
Gary Bettman:
This is a question just for Ryan Miller. Ryan, what do you think you would do if Terrence Pegula was here right now?
Ryan Miller:
I would probably shake his hand and thank him for the opportunity to play on his team for so many years and try to tell him that he and the other owners should try again.
Gary Bettman:
Well, we have a surprise for you, Ryan. Terrence Pegula is in the back and wants to talk things out right now.
Enter Terrence Pegula.
Audience cheers and shouts. Ryan Miller looks disgusted and surprised. He extends his hand and Terrence Pegula extends his hand. Then, Ryan Miller sucker punches Terrence Pegula. Audience yells, "Gary, Gary, Gary" in succession.
Ryan Miller (at Gary Bettman):
What the *bleep*?
Audience encourages the fight. Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby stand up to defend their hockey brother. Audience continues to yell, "Gary, Gary, Gary".
Ryan Miller (at Terrence Pegula):
Let's go, you *bleep*!
Ryan Miller goes low with a punch.
Terrence Pegula:
You call that a hit? If that's what you were going for, then "No, Goal!"
Ryan Miller is riled up and grabs a chair.Security separates everybody and Gary calms everybody down.
Gary Bettman:
Okay. Okay. All right.
Ryan Miller:
Do you see what we *bleep* have to *bleep* deal with on a daily *bleep* basis?
Gary Bettman:
It's okay. That's why we're here. We're here to talk.
Ryan Miller:
There's nothing to talk about.
Gary Bettman:
I'm sure Terrence doesn't feel the same way.
Terrence Pegula:
If you guys would quit being such whiners about getting paid.
Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby glare into his soul.
Terrence Pegula:
I mean, if you guys would behave like civilized people instead of unpotty-trained monkeys.
Ryan Miller:
You can't talk to these guys.
Gary Bettman:
Let's keep it civil, gentlemen. Now, Alex.
Alex Ovechkin:
Da.
Gary Bettman:
You liked Ted Leonsis?
Alex Ovechkin:
Yes, funny man. Once put paycheck in vodka and lit it on fire. Crazy thing is, only vodka burn. Waste of vodka, but hilarious joke.
Gary Bettman:
Well, Ted would like to make amends for the distraught trauma he's caused so far.
Alex Ovechkin looks quizzical and nonplussed. Ted Leonsis walks out with cheap vodka and a lit contract and high-fives Terrence Pegula while the audience shouts. Ovechkin grabs the vodka and pummels Leonsis and Pegula in a one-two motion. Audience shouts, "Gary, Gary, Gary."
Alex Ovechkin:
I'm going to send you to AO-Hell, Leonsissy!
Sidney Crosby:
Good one, Alex.
Alex Ovechkin:
Shut up, Crybaby Crosby!
Sidney Crosby:
Don't get mad at me you cupless bastard!
Sidney Crosby attempts to low blow Ovechkin only to find that there is in fact a cup.
Alex Ovechkin:
I always wear a cup when I know I'm going to be around you and your girlfriend, Craig Adams.
Sidney Crosby:
*Bleep* you, Oven Chicken!
Gary Bettman calms down the raucous players and crowd.
Gary Bettman:
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. There's no need to take it this far.
Sidney Crosby:
But he started...
Gary Bettman:
No, no. Sit down. Because I have a surprise for you, too.
Sidney Crosby:
Oh, no.
Gary Bettman:
It's the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, Mario Lemieux!
Mario Lemieux attempts to hug Crosby.
Sidney Crosby:
I'll give you the old one-up, Mario!
Sidney Crosby flips off Mario Lemieux. Not wanted to be as cordial, Mario Lemieux goes to punch Crosby, misses and hits Ryan Miller instead. Terrence Pegula and Ted Leonsis double team Gary Bettman.
Gary Bettman:
And now time for my final thought. Battles with words and fists are never a good way to solve any problem. Both parties end up worse than when they came in and the hurt feelings never really go away. Solve your problems like grown-ups. With words. And video games. Good night.
End scene
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