With hockey still under the radar at the moment, I've decided to focus my ire onto the absurdity of college football. All 1005 of this season's bowl games were announced on Sunday and I'm hear to offer my sharp analysis into how teams will perform in their respective postseason blunders. Here we go:
Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Nevada Wolf Pack vs. Arizona Wildcats
Arizona loses this game after it changes its conference to join Kentucky, Kansas State, LSU, Auburn, and Clemson to form the Wildcats-Tigers Conference.
Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Toledo Rockets vs. Utah State Aggies
This bowl gets won by whatever team is first able to find Idaho on a map. My guess is Toledo, since Ohio is like the Idaho of the midwest. Nobody really cares about it except for that one football game.
San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: San Diego State Aztecs vs. BYU Cougars
The BYU Cougars win the game, but lose $1.25 plus applicable fees on every touchdown.
Beef 'O'Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg: Ball State Cardinals vs. UCF Knights
The Ball State's students spelling skills are put to the test as they face the UCF Knights. They fail miserably.
R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: East Carolina Pirates vs. Louisiana-Layfayette Ragin' Cajuns
ECU will probably win. My confusion lies in the fact that R+L Carriers has failed to make use of a tie-in with the Carrier Dome.
Maaco Bowl Las Vegas: Boise State Broncos vs. Washington Huskies
The odds are: no one will watch this game.
Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: SMU Mustangs vs. Fresno State Bulldogs
Southern Methodist blows out the Fresno State Bulldogs in overexcitement when finding out that Hawaii does not have the death penalty.
Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: WKU Hilltoppers vs. Central Michigan Chippewas
The Central Michigan team is able to get under the skin of the Hilltoppers, saying something about their cheerleaders and/or their moms being hot and ready.
Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman: San Jose State Spartans vs. Bowling Green Falcons
Finally, a WAC-MAC showdown but both teams immediately lose for not being military institutions and for having to play at RFK Stadium.
Belk Bowl: Duke Blue Devils vs. Cincinnati Bearcats
After figuring the world would end for making a bowl, Duke loses in the wake of its confusion as to making a bowl.
Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: Baylor Bears vs. UCLA Bruins
Somehow a for-profit education institution making money off of the poor public schools seems appropriate. UCLA devastates the Baylor Bears, embarrassing the students enough to consider online classes.
Advocare V100 Independence Bowl: Ohio Bobcats vs. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks
The only people watching this game will be those lost going home from the R+L Carriers Bowl.
Russell Athletic Bowl: Virginia Tech Hokies vs. Rutgers Scarlet Knights
Both teams forfeit after fans skip the game to go to Disney World instead.
Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas: Minnesota Golden Gophers vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders
Both teams feature tongue twisting mascot names, a fact which is as irrelevant as this bowl game.
Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Rice Owls vs. Air Force Falcons
This matchup is much funnier if you think about the Air Force Falcons as an 80s wrestling faction and the Rice Owls as a chocolate Easter candy.
Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Arizona State Sun Devils vs. Navy Midshipmen
All charitable contributions go towards the Sun Devils and Midshipmen's Golden Corral funds and after the game, they are going to kick the living crap out of hunger.
New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Syracuse Orange vs. West Virginia Mountaineers
This game features Syracuse in Yankees throwback uniforms and West Virginia in Mets throwback uniforms playing a throwback 2000 World Series game so the Yankees can feel good about choking in this year's playoffs.
Valero Alamo Bowl: Texas Longhorns vs. Oregon State Beavers
History takes a back seat in this game as players are paid to say "Remember the Alamo, sponsored by Valero?" Oregon State wins by not busting out into laughter as often as Texas.
Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl: Michigan State Spartans vs. TCU Horned Frogs
This is a high scoring matchup as both teams battle for the right to go home as quickly as possible.
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