Day 74 - Federal Intervention

It was announced earlier in the week that federal mediation would begin to bring both sides into an agreement quickly and swiftly and expediently. In order to bring about a most fast solution, I can only assume they brought in Walker, Texas Ranger. Not Chuck Norris, but Sergeant Cordell Walker as played by Chuck Norris. My memory's a little fuzzy as to how he solved problems, but I assume it was some kind of Batman-esque code about not using guns to kill somebody and then a lot of martial arts. Maybe it wasn't so much a code inasmuch as it was his eyes did all the negotiation, like you were playing "Stare Eyes" only if you blink, you lose your life or a more prized possession. In this negotiation, that means if Gary Bettman blinks, he loses all the southern based teams to Canadian cities wanting their own squadrons. This will certainly be an amazing battle of wills and maybe Cordell Walker will let Bettman think he's winning for a little bit, just for roundhouse kicks and giggles.

Good luck getting the two sides to agree, Sergeant Cordell Walker. You have your work cut out for you.

Day 73 - How the Mascots are Faring, Part 2

If hockey mascots could shed tears, they would sent to Major League Baseball.

Sabretooth the Sabre-Toothed Tiger (Buffalo Sabres) - Currently the final obstacle at a local putt-putt course, waits for you to hit your ball and says, "No hole."

S.J. Sharkie (San Jose Sharks) - Utilizing his blood-smelling abilities, Gary Bettman is using him as a negotiation tactic.

Slapshot the Eagle (Washington Capitals) - Doesn't notice that his underachieving hockey team isn't there, is too busy watching his underachieving basketball team.

Sparky the Dragon (New York Islanders) - Just wishes the lockout would end or Arena Football was interesting.

Spartacat the Lion (Ottawa Senators) - Went viral after his meme "This is Spartacat" went public.

Stanley C. Panther (Florida Panthers) - Teaching a workshop the Alexander Semin philosophy at his "Semin-ar": Work 60% of the Time 100% of the Time.

Stinger the Yellow Jacket (Columbus Blue Jackets) - The current 12th man for Georgia Tech. Also, the 9th, 10th, and 11th.

Stormy the Ice Hog (Carolina Hurricanes) - Is pitching his "Babe Vs. Gordy" script to Hollywood.

Thunderbug the...Bug (Tampa Bay Lightning) - Is finding mild success in bolstering Oklahoma City's NBA team.

Tommyhawk the Hawk (Chicago Blackhawks) - In counseling after a viewing of "Tommyknockers" made him want to put a tommy-gun to his head.

Wildwing the Duck (Anaheim Ducks) - Is joining Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum in a new "3 Ninjas" movie.

Youppi the Grammatical Symbol (Montreal Canadiens) - Sadly could not take a hint when sent back to the Expos.

Blades the Bruin (Boston Bruins) - Spends his time in LA, got Shabazz Muhammad his eligibility for the season.

Filip the Flyer (Philadelphia Flyers) - Just a piece of paper that advertised games with a menacing face drawn on the back, now serves as goalie coach for the Norfolk Admirals.

Tommy the Green Ranger (New York Rangers) - Is now an MMA fighter.

Day 72 - How the Mascots are Faring, Part 1

Nobody has had it worse than the fans. Second in line are the mascots, who are completely lost without a clamoring congregation to conduct and toss t-shirts to. Here's are what some of them are doing in their free time.

Al the Octopus (Detroit Red Wings)- With his eight arms extended, now serves as Gary Bettman's right hand man with determining which direction to take the NHL.

Bailey the Lion (Los Angeles Kings) - Works part time as the MGM mascot. Is up for the part of Aslan in an upcoming Narnia film.

Bernie the St. Bernard (Colorado Avalanche) - Like a good St. Bernard, brings flasks of alcohol to lost fans.

Carlton the Bear (Toronto Maple Leafs) - Started an initiative to get "Noozles" back on Nickelodeon.

Fin the Whale (Vancouver Canucks) - Was picked up by SeaWorld who attached a cardboard dorsal fin on him and now touts him as the world's largest shark.

Gnash the Sabre-Toothed Tiger (Nashville Predators) - With the arena operated by a low-key staff and barely any visible fans, Gnash assumes this is business as usual.

Harvey the Hound (Calgary Flames) - Just like the Flames, has already burnt out for the season.

Howler the Coyote (Phoenix Coyotes) - The subject of a Sarah McLachlan documentary, still looking for someone to adopt him.

Iceburgh the Penguin (Pittsburgh Penguins) - Found a spot on the Steelers defense after campaigning, "I will sink quarterbacks like the Titanic."

Louie the Blue Polar Bear (St. Louis Blues) - Has been taken by the ASPCA for observation until he returns to his natural white.

Mick E. Moose (Winnipeg Jets) - Was last seen hanging out with Danny Duck and Fluke Skyrunner at Wally World.

N.J. Devil (New Jersey Devil) - Sits atop Donald Fehr's left shoulder to assist him with negotiations.

Nordy the Toxic Space Mutant Bear Fox (Minnesota Wild) - After taking a 20% pay cut, quit his job to go work at a Chuck E. Cheese's.

Coronus the Solar Flare (Dallas Stars) - Hired as a temp at a local solar cell plant.

Derek the Grease Monkey (Edmonton Oilers) - Helps Taylor Hall, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, and Nail Yakupov with their driving lessons.

Day 71 - NHL Lockout's Three Stars: Week 10

Number Three - Philadelphia Flyers
Succeeded in not fighting or killing anybody since the start of the lockout. Philly as a city has actually been doing really well. Good job, Philly!

Number Two - Donald Fehr
Is on a 71 day streak for unsuccessful negotiations, scored his first hat trick by having three counterproposals  thrown away in the same set of labor negotiations, may break Martin Brodeur's record of shots against if angry fans keep tweeting insults.

Number One - Gary Bettman
Successfully held the league to zero games from the beginning of the season to the middle of December for the first time since '04-'05. On pace for the most broken-hearted fan base since David Beckham left England.

Day 70 - For Whom the Bell Trolls...

All games through the 14th of December have been canceled. The All-Star Game in Columbus has been canceled. Firefly was canceled. That was years ago and not caused by any lockout, but like this year's NHL season, it should be airing on a consistent basis. The next move noted by some is for the NHLPA to decertify. This would dissolve the union's ability to collectively bargain, but it would allow for basically a class action law suit against the NHL owners for a mass violation of contracts, since, depending on the legal ruling, the league would basically have no anti-trust exemptions, as there would be thirty competitors in the market. What do the players stand to lose in this chaotic scenario with no salary cap, no entry draft, and all free market agency? There would be no medical benefits or pensions.

Decertification in these lockouts always seems to be a desperate move to return to the game and one that permanently alters the future for the players of these leagues. Unions seem necessary in the sports world to keep players from being treated like cattle, which doesn't stop that from happening, but players can at least operate under the illusion that they are a name and not a number when there's a Player's Association. On the other hand, Donald Fehr seems to want to relive his childhood memories of canceling baseball, probably in an effort to see if hockey can survive one more blow. Like Goro from Mortal Kombat, the NHL can survive just about anything you can throw at it, but I'd much prefer to see this season than to not see it.

So I guess my bipolar response is: don't decertify and please crunch 82 games between December 15th and June 20th. 

Day 69 - Parliamentary, my dear Pahlsson

Overwhelmed with the agony of an overdrawn and prolonged lockout, the Canadian players of the game took it upon themselves to complain to the highest authority outside of their maternal attachments, the Parliament. Honestly, the players would have been better off starting an Internet petition that said "Bring Back the Hockey" or writing a letter to Aslan begging him to bring back Canada's beloved pastime, but you can't blame the stick-wielding jocks for trying their best to get any form of intervention on this work stoppage. I doubt the Parliament even has time to address the NHL players, with their domestic policy priorities mostly laying with gender equality and creating a force of Womounties and a strong female labor force that can bring home the Canadian bacon, as much as a man. If Manon Rheaume isn't doing anything, maybe she can open the doors for the fellas, getting them to bring more female goalies to the sport in the process.

Anyway, here's what the letter read:
Dear Government Dudes:
We totally want to play hockey again and we're not going to take no for an answer or any forms of no, like "not a chance" or "negative" or "not yes" or "nuh-uh" or "maybe, with a but". And we really mean it this time. We're the only league in all of professional sports that gets games canceled like a Fox TV show. We would like for you to step in and talk to Gary Bettman and tell him to stop being a meanie. It's not fair to our fans, local businesses, our wallets, anybody. We all feel the pain of the insensitive Bettman and want you to talk or beat some sense into him with your phenomenal government powers.
Thanks so much, Government Dudes.
Signed,
Hockey

Day 68 - Thanksgiving

The players took a day off from hockey to give thanks for the incredible seasons they've been having with their teams. There was an incredible display of humility as these athletic celebrities returned home to the quaint small towns that raised them into their modern day machinations, glancing at rinks that used to seem miles wide to their wide-eyed childhood incarnations. As the players graciously passed around their weight in turkey, potatoes, cranberry sauce, green beans, and pie, they took to heart the friends and families that made them who they are today and gave thanks for the blessings to play a game for indescribable amounts of money in front of the full gamut of adoring fans that love them even in the worst of times. Traditions that at first seem trivial are revitalized in the light of sibling rivalry and good old fashioned competition. The night ends with the happiness that comes with the holidays in the warmth and comfort of the familiar and secure.

This post was brought to you by the Elitserien, the Swedish Elite League, in celebration of Thanksgiving. I assume Black Friday sales include tons of meatballs.