Day 15 - Lockout Meetings Resume

The NHLPA and the owners of the teams met up this weekend starting with Friday to see if they could finally put an end to this lockout nonsense and immaturity and get back to drinking and making fun of each other's mothers. Friday's meetings lasted for four hours with everybody discussing who was a total boogerhead and who's pants were on fire, which made that day the most successful meetings thus far. Saturday's meetings were mostly discussions to have a meeting on Sunday. Sunday's meetings were to discuss "secondary economic issues" like pension plans, travel & schedule, and the grievance procedure.

The pension plan issue should be fairly easy to fix. All NHL players should have a 401(k). In fact, I think the league minimum is already like $500,000, so every NHL player is already making 401k. Employers should match up 20% (or a half % for everyday of the lockout). Maybe I'm not entirely clear on what the pension issues are, but on a basic level, maybe the owners are against it because you're essentially paying for players long after they've played their last hockey game, which shouldn't make any difference for anyone associated with Mike Ilitch and the Detroit Red Wings.

Travel & schedule would be so much easier if teams in Florida didn't exist, but since they continue to compete relatively well in their salt-water rinks, we'll have to workaround it. I'm going to assume the main problem the players have with the schedule is that owners aren't following it right now. Raffi Torres is probably unsafely assuming with each passing day that he's one game closer to playing for Phoenix, which is completely idiotic. By the time the lockout ends, Phoenix will probably have relocated to Quebec. The only schedule adjustment I would make would be to have more Caps games in Raleigh so I can afford tickets, but that's pretty selfish.

The grievance procedure is a little perplexing to me. My first thoughts included the obvious and childish "that player hit me too hard" which would either apply to everybody or nobody except for Marian Hossa. I don't imagine hockey players having diva moments seen in the other leagues, but maybe some players have complaints that aren't being addressed like: "I don't have any hockey players on my team" - Brandon Dubinsky of the Columbus Blue Jackets, "Nobody ever passes the puck to me" - Any member of the Washington Capitals, and ."People would like me if they got to know me." - Gary Bettman from the 7th Circle of Hell and Chris Pronger from Philly.

Day 14 - Quick Hit From Maryland

Today's post comes to you from the heartland of DC hockey, Beltsville, MD. It is here where I grew up and fondly learned of the eloquent art form of ice-placed gang warfare. Watching grown men fueled with seething hatred, synthetic testosterone, and midclass vodka was a natural change of pace for the usual DC people that operated on beer. Growing up, I read a series of books called Animorphs. When I was a kid, reading KA Applegate's descriptions of the Hork-Bajir species, their body naturally comprised of sharp edges and a harsh attitude adequately described what I envisioned every hockey player to be, with the notable exception that the Hork-Bajir could make an occasional peace with their enemies (or be enslaved by the Yeerk; this analogy just took an interesting turn).

Today marks day 14 of the lockout and like an on-again, off-again sitcom couple, the players and owners refuse to come to terms with the fact that they miss one another. Sure, you may be toxic for each other, but your shenanigans produce a number of laughs and valuable entertainment that the rest of us have grown to appreciate and, dare I say it, to which we have become addicted.

The preseason is all but canceled and I already miss getting to see major league players take on away team's farm systems, the vital indicator of how well a team would do against college players, OHL hopefuls, and the Columbus Blue Jackets. I still cling on to the shred of hope that the regular season will start in time for the winter. As the NHL has an agreement, the proper sitcom protocol is simple. The players and owners need to engage themselves in a montage of times gone by, happening to see each other in the park, but not making eye contact, and and ultimately hugging it out (or cross-checking it out) at La Guardia or Kennedy (or Toronto's airport or mountie station).

While I'm in Maryland, I may as well go to a local ice skating rink and watch 12-year-olds duke it out over their petty prepubescent problems. That's the closest thing I'll see to hockey for at least the next six-eight weeks.

Day 13 - A Look At Other Sports: Baseball

"A Child of Two Worlds: The Baltimore-Washington Baseball Dichotomy"

The crack of the bat, the roar of the crowd, the smell of popcorn permeating through the air as 30,000 fans vibrantly roar at their favorite player. Most kids growing up would root for their local team. In my childhood, the team I would root for was easy. The Baltimore Orioles held a natural monopoly on the nation’s metropolitan baseball market. However, at the beginning of 2005, there was a new team in town, the Washington Nationals the relocated Montreal Expos who, despite their best efforts, were not able to turn the American pastime into a Canadian tradition. (They tried switching turf to ice and bats to stick to no avail). Who was I to root for now? I have found that there are three basic strategies to employ in choosing your team. You can stick with your childhood team, jump to the new team, or flip-flop until one team becomes halfway decent.

Strategy 1 – Sticking with the Baltimore Orioles

There are very strong personal fundamental reasons to root for the Baltimore Orioles. The model for modern day ball parks, Camden Yards, is where I saw my first baseball game. In 1992, The O’s took on the Kansas City Royals and magically won 3-2 off of a walk-off homer. It was an innocent time in baseball, when players were not caught using steroids. Camden Yards hosted the 1993 All-Star Game where Ken Griffey, Jr. became the first MLB player to hit the Baltimore/Ohio Warehouse with a home run ball. Until that point, the only people to hit the B&O Warehouse were members of lesser biker gangs.

The best short stop to ever set foot on a baseball diamond, Cal Ripken, Jr., set his iron man record of 2,632 consecutive games, a seventeen-year streak that broke the previous record by 501 games. His long-winded perfect attendance record inspired me to only miss five days of school. This was a man who has been attributed by some to have singlehandedly save the sport of baseball during the 1994-1995 strike. This was the same Cal Ripken that kept us entertained as kids, endorsing the local Wild World which became Adventure World which became Six Flags America, utilizing the greatest contribution to the 90s, local star power in commercials to get kids to ride roller coasters. And what a ride the ’96 series was. In Game One of the American League Championship series, the Orioles held a 4-3 lead until rookie Derek Jeter hit a deep fly ball into right field. When outfielder Tony Tarasco went to catch it, a young Yankees fan named Jeffrey Maier caught it. The umpires ruled it as a home run, ultimately costing the O’s the game, and the series, probably seven years of my life, the current hockey lockout, and Jersey Shore. I’m not bitter.

Strategy 2 – Jumping on board to the Washington Nationals

There are a number of reasons to root for the Washington Nationals. When the Washington Senators left for Texas in the 1960s, every boy in the nation’s capital waited for the day when Major League Baseball would move a team into DC. When that didn’t happen, the men of DC then imparted this deep desire into their extremely bored sons in the hopes that the District would soon have a team. In the meantime, father and son would wait until the Wizards, Redskins, or Capitals won something worth mentioning. When that didn’t happen, we waited until the Nats got a decent pitching staff, which finally happened in 2010

With the closer proximity to the Metro rail system and slightly friendlier vagrants, it makes some sense to switch allegiances to the Washington Nationals. They started their play in the old RFK Stadium, which may have set them up for failure, but at least it was nostalgic failure, Cubs fans can relate to this. They have now moved to the creatively named “Nationals Park” on the Anacostia River which oddly enough boasts a red, white, and blue color scheme as Stephen Strasburg, Zach Duke, Drew Storen, and the rest of the bullpen attempt to lead the Nats into postseason victory and perpetual glory. This is a recent development, as for years the Nationals lost nearly every game they played, earning them the nickname the “no-win zone”. It’s also the only ball park in which fans, in the event of a loss, will demand a recount.

Strategy 3 – The Fairweather Strategy

As someone who grew up in the Maryland-Virginia and then went to State, I know all too well the feeling you get when your only options are vast underachievers whose only hope of ever winning a title hinge on a number of impossible factors: key players from the opposition getting injured, the BCS voting in your favor, or John Calipari coaching the opposing team. Fairweather fandom has its roots and precedents in several other large cities: Los Angeles has its Lakers and Clippers; New York has the Giants and Jets; Chicago has the White Sox and the Cubs.

Most of the time, you merely wait until whatever team gets good and root for them. This is a strategy which should immediately double your dividends as you anxiously await the day you can pay for overpriced tickets, food, and parking. In an area where you just hoped for one of the teams to hit the .500 barrier and overcome the halfway mark of winning percentage, surely I will be able to make to my 30s without having to answer my kids questions’ like, “Why are your teams terrible, Daddy?” and “I’m a girl, why is my name Cal?”

This brings us to an interesting conundrum with the boys from the Beltway. The baseball gods have smiled with the largest grin and granted talent to the bullpens of both the Orioles and Nationals as they approach October with shared hopes of winning the last game of the season. Every day that I check the morning scoresheets (a tradition I lovingly carry on for my grandfather, until the day that newspapers are replaced, which will hopefully be tomorrow, since it’s much easier to check my smartphone), I hear a slight cackle from the ethereal manifestations of major league sports watch me as I deliberately dodge the question, politician style. Perhaps I should stick to being a Washington fan.

Which of these strategies is the best? Clearly, one would want to be associated with the winning team from an honorable and pure perspective, wanting to avoid the term “jumping on the bandwagon”. Given my perpetual team turmoil, I feel I am entitled to using Strategy 3. This way, my long-term strategy pays off big time. However, I am going to stick to my guns and stick with the O’s.

From the first pitch to the final out, waiting for a player to run the cycle, hit a home run, or achieve the coveted grand slam, baseball remains an ever important part of our American culture and as we near September, we look for the dwindling number of teams who will represent their cities for eternal greatness in the World Series which in this case will hopefully the Battle for the Beltway in addition to be a competition for the Commissioner’s Trophy.

Day 12 - The "Caniac Carnival" and other local events that aren't hockey

Every day en route to work, I was reminded of the lockout as the PNC Arena insisted on advertising the Predators-Canes game in spite of the fact that players and owners insisted there shouldn't be hockey until everyone agrees to break the $5 billion mark. In light of the NC State Fair arriving in town soon, they have now degenerated into hosting a semi-hockey related event called the "Caniac Carnival" which I assume will have the cadre of things that have become boilerplate at local events: face paint, moon bounces, and some kind of local food on a stick.

Anaheim Ducks - "Duck Soup" - Bobby Ryan, Bryan Allen, and Corey Perry watch "Duck Soup" on the jumbotron at the Honda Center

Boston Bruins - "Boston Tee Party" - A chance for all fans, young and old, to celebrate this year's magical playoff run!

Buffalo Sabres - "Man vs. Food" - Ryan Miller has to divert every wing thrown at him to his stomach. Can he win? Spoiler alert. Yes!

Calgary Flames - "Prince Alberta in a Canada" - Jesters and maple syrup, which are the clowns and barbecue sauce of Canada. 

Chicago Blackhawks - "Perfect Strangers" - Jimmy Hayes and Jonathan Toews assume the roles of Mark Linn-Baker and Bronson Pinchot in this revitalization of everyone's favorite TGIF fish-out-of-water show from the 80s.

Colorado Avalanche - "Denver the Last Dinosaur Marathon" - This isn't really happening, I'm just projecting my need for 90s nostalgia.

Columbus Blue Jackets - "Fleur Delacour Fashion Show" - Sponsored entirely by Tyra Banks and JK Rowling, the men of Columbus will strut their stuff in 1950s petticoats and rainwear.

Dallas Stars - "Dallas Day Romp" - Stevie Ray Vaughn and Taylor Swift headline this event so that the players will finally be near actual stars.

Detroit Red Wings - "8 Mile High Club" (one night only!)- Ty Conklin and Pavel Datsyuk show off their family friendly rhyming skills in a rap battle 

Edmonton Oilers - "Gretskiing" - The local team shows us how easy it is and stay on a downward slope

Florida Panthers - "Peter Panther" - A modern retelling of the beloved children's novel, is as almost baffling as naming your team after an animals whose numbers are lower than the team's roster.

Los Angeles Kings - "The City of Angels" - Will open up things at the Staples arena in the Clippers-Lakers game by playing the Lakers as the Clippers. They will win by 20.

Minnesota Wild - "The Taming of the Screwed" - Mikko Koivu's satire on the players and owners treatment of fans.

Montreal Canadiens - "Carol of the Bell Centre" - Erik Cole shows us Montreal's arena decked out in Christmas lights synched to music. The show is scheduled to be between 30-90 minutes, depending on when Erik Cole gets traded back to the Canes.

Nashville Predators - "The Nashvillains" - The Dixie Chicks take on Hal Gill and Pekka Rinne for country music supremacy.

New Jersey Devils - "Newark Order" - Martin Brodeur leads the rest of the team in an 80s band night. While most on the team will dress like "Twisted Sister" and "Soft Cell" with borrowed, Brodeur will pull out his old rags from the 1880s.

New York Islanders - "My Prison Without Bars" - Evgeni Nabokov relives his horrible experience with the New York Islanders

New York Rangers - "Madison Square Gardening" - Sean Avery's initiative to make MSG more environmentally friendly. Don't be a Times Square!

Ottawa Senators - "The Sena-tours" - Follow the Ottawa tourist board as you are magically whisked the wonders of Canadian versions of things, like Canadian bacon, which Americans call ham, Canadian beer, which Americans call club soda, and Canadian droughts, which Americans call playoffs.

Philadelphia Flyers - "Penal-tied" - A high-schtick cartoon event showing the proper way to give players concussions.

Phoenix Coyotes - "Auction House" - Not really a public event, just a meeting of potential buyers. Lowest unique bid wins.

Pittsburgh Penguins - "Show Steelers" - James Harrison and Kris Letang finally get a chance to perform their musical morality play on ice!

San Jose Sharks - "Sillycon Carne Cook Off" - Stand-up by Joe Thornton will leave you on your stomach like chili from Joe Thornton

St. Louis Blues - "The Arch of the Covenant" - A high adventure piece that has Jaime Langenbrunner and Harrison Ford finding the fabled Stanley Cup and the fourth Indiana Jones movie.

Tampa Bay Lightning - "

Toronto Maple Leafs - "The Magical Land of Make Be-Leafs" - Hosted by Mister Rogers, the trolley takes us down the land of wonderment that shows us what it would be like if Toronto had a hockey team.

Vancouver Canucks - "Renaissance Faire" - Not because it's in town, but because that's what the city was reduced to since that Stanley Cup loss.

Washington Capitals - "Capital Offense" - Hosted by city police, much like its name suggests, hasn't been seen in the District since folding in 2010.

Winnipeg Jets - "The Hundred Acre Wood" - Zach Bogosian tells us his new commute to his hockey arena.

Day 11 - The lockout's effect on Draft Picks

Day 11 -
With the lock out in full swing, players from this year's Entry Draft are waiting for the lockout to end for a chance to debut with an NHL team. Let's take a brief look at players who have had a chance to play see how they are coping with this year's lack of hockey and how far hockey has come since Gary Bettman's first lockout in 1992.
1992 - Roman Hamrlik - Is continuing his 23 year quest for the Cup, on NHL '13.
1993 - Alexandre Daigle - Largely considered the Christian Laettner of hockey, except by contributing to this article, Laettner contributed more to hockey than Daigle ever did.
1994 - Ed Jovanovski - Has loved his time playing for the Florida Panthers in the same way that athletes at Florida International University love playing football. You enjoy the pay, the warm weather, and you enjoy the times you don't upset citizens of Miami.
1995 - Bryan Berard - Using his cybernetic eye to see into the future of the lockout, it ends with Chris Pronger presenting Gary Bettman's head Lord of the Flies style to the remaining hockey players, or as Philly fans call it, business as usual.
1996 - Chris Philips - Is attempting to recoup investments lost in a bad business deal due to Stacey McAlpine. Dany Heatley, is leading this moral crusade in the groundbreaking "Pot v. Kettle" case of 2012
1997 - Joe Thornton - Is happy to see the negotiations are going to round 3, since that's an aspect of hockey he rarely gets to see.
1998 - Vincent LeCavlier - Is happy for the lockout to resume, as he has tons of "Admiral Ak bars" puns he didn't get to use last time.
1999 - Patrik Stefan - Is best known for scoring a hat trick in his NHL debut. Wait that was Derek Stepan. Patrik Stefan is best known for his "hat trick" which is scoring no goals and no assists and not fighting while wearing a funny hat.
2000 - Rick DiPietro - Is catching up on the "Inuyasha" series, having gone on record as finding it "oddly relatable"
2001 - Ilya Kovalchuk - After hearing his contract is worth its weight in gold, immediately exchanged it.
2002 - Rick Nash - Living up to his mutterings: "I'd rather not play hockey than play for Columbus."
2003 - Marc-Andre Fleury - Is being actively recruited by the New Orleans Saints, since he's the only person who wears a fleur-de-lys that can stop people from scoring points.
2004 - Alexander Ovechkin - This is written as having gone to the Washington Capitals, which is weird, since the Capitals never played hockey until 2006.
2005 - Sidney Crosby - Team trainers have told him that he is merely on the Injured Reserve list for a few more days or caught in a "Groundhog Day" loop.
2006 - Erik Johnson - After spending three years as the most overhyped and overpaid player of St. Louis (beating out several fans and overzealous mascots), is now the most overhyped and overpaid player of Colorado
2007 - Patrick Kane - Now only punches cab drivers when they bring up the Packers-Seahawks game.
2008 - Steve Stamkos - Is enjoying the challenge of earning the Rocket Richard trophy by launching pucks from Europe to America.
2009 - John Tavares - Is happy to know that this Friday, he won't be the only player in New York not living up to his potential.
2010, 2011, & 2012 - Taylor Hall, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins,  - As they play for the Oilers, will have to wait for a trade or the next 20 years of number draft picks to play for an NHL team.

Day 10 - Top Ten Ways the Owners are Trying to Save Money for Future Seasons

10. Replacing pucks with the thousands of unused Ginger Snaps and stale Bojangles biscuits.
9. Avoiding royalty fees by only playing rock versions of music in the public domain for goals, which will not affect Minnesota at all
8. Copyrighting the word "lockout" so they can make money off the NFL & NBA.
7. Cutting travel costs by combining multiple games into one, which means Panthers games will still last just over three hours.
6. Producing the ice for games from the tears of every fan, which will give the Verizon Center the best quality of ice it has seen in years.
5. Charging players every time there's a lockout, strike, or break in between seasons.
4. Making agreements with the Crips as replacement players since they already wear red and have less violent tendencies than most hockey players.
3. Giving players steroids only every other game
2. Combining salaries for players who share the same last name. Will also change everyone's last name to Staal, Sutter, or Sedin.
1. Putting future 75,000 pages of financials on tissue paper for arena bathrooms.

Day 9 - RGIII

With the world of hockey all but shut out to me, unless I travel to Sweden, which I might, because I could really use some furniture and some meatballs. I have had no choice but to recently explore my other sports options. I began on Sunday by looking at one of my favorite football teams to watch as a kid, the Washington Redskins, which used to be such a pain to watch as they didn't score and didn't win. They still don't win, but they lose in the most exciting fashion. He is definitely this year's Cam Newton, performing to the top of his abilities and on pace to end three games out of the playoffs.
The Washington Redskins gave up their next 20 years worth of first round picks as well as their first-borns to have Robert Griffin III. This is a player who is half-man, half-beast, half-android, an improper fraction of technology sent from the future to change the past for one lucky team. Most people call him RGIII, not because it's a clever play on his initials, but because he was the third RG created in the factory of beastly cyborgs from the 24th Century.
His dreads double as wiring for his system. He has every play in every football game, past, present, and future, programmed into his cybernetic brain. The only reason he's losing is because his code can't account for Pop Warner refs and his offensive line.
I feel good about RGIII. He will lead DC area sports into something they haven't seen in a while, a championship loss.

Day 8 - The New Jersey Devils' Playthings

With their new found free time, players and owners are finding their days longer and boring. Here's how the teams are spending their new found hours:

Anaheim Ducks - Due to increases in 3D technology, are constantly looping holographic projections of the Mighty Ducks on the ice, although people no longer find Emilio Estevez appealing.

Boston Bruins - Every Boston fan now watches hockey in Slovakia, since being relocated singlehandedly by Zdeno Chara.

Buffalo Sabres - Have no intentions to inform or console fans under their "No Goal" policy.

Calgary Flames – Along with the Winnipeg Jets, have been prank calling the list of hockey fans in Atlanta. After all 50 calls, went back to playing each other on Xbox live.

Carolina Hurricanes - Don't really care when the lockout ends as long as they get to chuckle to themselves for the duration of the lockout the phrase, "Staal Tactics"

Chicago Blackhawks – Taking this time to wait for Marian Hossa to come out of his coma.

Colorado Avalanche – Are enjoying remarkable poise of young captain Gabriel Landeskog, who has not yet cracked under the bitter pressures of this season.

Columbus Blue Jackets - Are hosting scrimmages between their main roster and the 23 players they got from New York.

Dallas Stars – Are enjoying news of the lockout on the New Cowboys Stadium screen.

Detroit Red Wings - Are just throwing cows on the ice and watching them play, cutting the owners meals from McDonald's from their salary as a hockey related cost.

Edmonton Oilers - Have been able to get their scouting out of the way and, having been to Canada, Europe, Russia, Boston and Minnesota, are looking at taking the exceptional, sensational, young #1 pick next year. 

Florida Panthers - Are trying to recruit the Miami Heat player Joel Anthony so that they can sell tickets based on star power.

Los Angeles Kings - Fearing a miscount, are trying to find all the Stanley Cup Championship banners from when Wayne Gretzky was on the team.

Minnesota Wild – Have sent Ryan Suter and Zach Parise to Disney World, where they are assured to get their money in a currency that won’t be affected by inflation.

Montreal Canadiens – With the success of their recent centennial campaign, are planning for the upcoming shortened season with a 20 year celebration of the Cup being in Canada.

Nashville Predators - Have agreed to use the players alongside a cobranding effort to bring "Dixie Stampede" on ice, which has already broken franchise records for profitability.

New Jersey Devils - Are taking this opportunity to give Martin Brodeur bionic implants like Jax from Mortal Kombat, just in case he has to play for the next 40 years and in case Shang Tsung makes a move in labor negotiations.

New York Islanders – Revisiting their strategy to avoid being a futile team in Long Island by changing lines, retraining players around John Tavares, and moving to Brooklyn.

New York Rangers - Are assisting with a Broadway overhaul by teaching them the modern theory of blocking.

Ottawa Senators – Have decided to revisit their strategy as being the Washington Capitals of Canada.   

Philadelphia Flyers - Have an agreement with the NHL to exchange their remaining penalty minutes from this year's Pens-Flyers playoff series for community service hours. The Flyers will break even by 2019, in time for the next lockout.

Phoenix Coyotes - Are assuring fans that, yes, their city does have a team that's locked out.

Pittsburgh Penguins – Have decided Craig Adams should use this time to become a neurosurgeon and a lawyer to fix Crosby and to translate the NHL rules on concussions.

San Jose Sharks - In order to recoup expenses, discussing with Gary Bettman the legalities of paying their players with Facebook stock.

St. Louis Blues - Are making use of Jaroslav Halak in the reading of the 75,000 page financial reports, since nothing gets past him.

Tampa Bay Lightning – Have lowered their expectations of Steve Stamkos in light of the shortened season to only 45 goals.

Toronto Maple Leafs - Are simply happy to far into the season without losing any games

Vancouver Canucks - Fans are enjoying this extended period of peace.

Washington Capitals - Have told fans that the last season is still in the Conference Finals, which is why the Caps aren't playing yet.

Winnipeg Jets - With Dallas back on the air, the Jets have able to convince locals that last season was just a dream.

Day 7 - KHL-o there little buddy!

Players have begun looking for greener pastures in...Russia. The allure of making 2/3 of their salary in magical Moscow, lovely Leningrad, and novel Novosibirsk was too overwhelming for most players as they join the KHL, which sounds like an ice hockey spy league (hey, the KGB needs family entertainment too). The Great 8 is already lighting up the boards by steamrolling players and splashing ice shavings on kids his own size now.

The beauty of the KHL is the naming convention of their teams, which sound like foreign knockoffs of Mega Man X bosses or X-Men characters. There's the Avtomobilist Yekaterinburg, Metallurg Magnetogorsk, and the Sparken Mandrillk Chelyabinsk. (Quicksilver Storm Eagleburg will be an expansion team next year.)

With a KHL season only lasting 52 games, Alexander Semin might have enough extra energy to lead his team to Gagarin victory, as long as he is told that in the KHL there is no playoff and it's normal for the season to end with teams playing each other four to seven times in a row. He is reportedly happy to be back playing for his old military team, according to sources to him as the military assured us he was unavailable for comment, ever.

Each team will be paying their players through the entirety of the lockout. Not wasting time and being most resourceful, Ilya Kovalchuk has already bought a house in the Newark of Russia, St. Petersburg.

Evgeni Malkin has gone on record as stating he wishes for a quick end to the lockout as misses the warm winters of Pittsburgh.

Day 6 - Seattle's Best

According to various media outlets (Yahoo! Sports, Fox Sports Net, ESPN), at a time when no stick-wielding skaters are taking to the ice, some cities are reportedly bidding for an expansion. Yahoo! Sports reported that Seattle was vying for a team, reaching the ever coveted coffee-drinking hipster niche whose disposable income includes whatever they find in their couches and/or whatever their parents send them. Fox Sports Net stated that this team would be called the "Seattle Sasquatch", which either means that this team will rarely be seen in the playoffs (so Toronto might be moving), or the team will be comprised solely of southern Italian hockey players, or FSN got it wrong and the WNBA has really run out of names for teams. ESPN's findings included that there may indeed be a game called hockey played somewhere in the world.

I do think there are many other cities far more deserving of NHL games (like the current 29 cities hosting teams). Here's a brief look at a few:

Quebec - This would help with Gary Bettman's strategy to add a pro winter sports team to Canada once every 20 years.

Kansas City - They would be finally be one team closer to being able to say "We suck at all pro sports."
New York - They've been vying for a second team ever since 1993 when the Islanders suddenly stopped playing there.
I wonder if I can charge the NHL owners for my therapy sessions or if that would go straight to the players as a "hockey related cost".

Day 5 - Semi-topical Cream

The cynic in me wishes to marginalize the situation by trivializing the current scenario, a battle between millionaires and billionaires. This is basically hockey's version of the Occupy movement. The big difference between the two groups is that a hockey player operates on blood, sweat, and jeers. A protester works on blood, sweat, and shame. Also, the hockey player can feed a family of four.

In the Occupy Avenue of the Americas movement, I'm imagining shantytowns of people circling nightly candlelight vigils adorning the parking lots of your local hockey arena lined with tents built with hockey sticks and jerseys, which is either signs of protest or the line for the iPhone 5 got really long.

I'm finding it hard to relate to the players, who can barely afford to feed their tropical fish on a league minimum or the owners who can barely afford to feed on sushi and caviar comprised of tropical fish. Although if you marketed it right, you could probably make people feel sorry for them. Just put a bunch of innocent looking, cherub faced kids like the Montreal Canadiens around Angelina Jolie, who would probably immediately. adopt Scott Gomez.

I don't know, sometimes I think the easiest way for the owners to settle with the players would be over a game of hock-OH MY GOD.

Please come back soon, hockey...

Day 4 - Murray's Dreamland

Last night I dreamt in a Kafka-esque world of colors and wonderment. It was like the dancing elephants scene from "Dumbo" only with hockey players. Alexander Ovechkin was standing in the middle of a rink, the outlines of everything a hot neon pink, when all of a sudden, Stormy came out marching with several clones of himself. They circled the Great 8 once and left. Then, Iceburgh came out and circled Ovie three times and disappeared in a foggy haze.

This was followed up by Mike Green taking Stan Lee to a bar to discuss the next Mighty Ducks movie, which was to feature an Avengers crossover, based on my fan-made screenplay! Stan Lee kept handing Mike Green beers in a bottle, which was weird since he wanted it in a cup.

Rick DiPietro bumped into me and shattered into 1000 pieces. My Charizard from Pokemon Yellow joined the Philadelphia Flyers since he knew "Slash". Chris Pronger showed up wearing a necklace of skulls and burst into flames, howling like a banshee, which I thought meant the dream was over, but then he game me an ice cream cone, so I knew this was not over. And then Bruce Boudreau took my ice cream cone.

I was transported to a desolate land once capable of glory but put to fiery and shadowy ruins much like Hyrule in "Ocarina of Time". After leaving Vancouver, I woke up to find the top half of a hockey stick broken in my bed. And then I woke up again to find that hockey was still locked out. Thus begins the true nightmare.

Also, Chris Pronger stalks me.

Day 3 - Malapropisms

My mind is beginning to wane and wander. I overheard somebody say "hot key" and I misheard it as "hockey" and immediately went into a long diatribe about the fighting is an essential and meritorious part of the game, yelling at some poor woman who only wanted to reply to e-mails faster, her confused eyes conveying a sense of primal fear and a constant string of colorful Outlook signatures. 

I fear by week's end I will only be able to sleep in a vertical glass box. I felt bad for a team member who said they had a double minor, only to find out it was in Sociology and Poli Sci. My mind is in a constant daze with no hockey in my future, so now I know what Marc Savard feels like every day.

Hopefully Gary Bettman's heart will grow three sizes and the true meaning of hockey will come through.

Day 2 - All I Can Think of is You

Everything reminds me of hockey. The ice machine is a vertical Zamboni that produces frozen water of Verizon Center quality. Ham reminds me of Canada, America's hat and farm system for current team. Tomato soup reminds me of the DNA cesspool that rinks become during a game involving anybody from New York or Pennsylvania. I ran into a a tree today and I wanted "A" out of instinct to lift the stick. 

Still, I press on, and hope for the day that I can yell at people skate into other people at full speed, berating them for their lackluster play while I sip a beer and lose my breath if I sit up too fast.

Day 1 - So It Begins

The emotional impact of this recent travesty hasn't hit me as hard as I thought it would, perhaps due to some combination of denial and stubborn pretense or the thought at any second things will be back to normal. Everybody will come to their senses and we'll hang out everyday like we used to. Make spontaneous trips to beautiful cities. Yell at one another when things don't go our way and scream with shouting joy when they do. 

Checkin' my phone every minute just to hear one bit of good news, but staying supportive through the bad. Our friends will all make fun of us but it's cause they lack the necessary toughness it takes to do the things we deal with. Things won't be perfect, they never are, they can't be. You just can't win every battle. Until that time when things are back to normal and we're seeing each other on daily basis, the only thing I can do is hope. 

I miss you, hockey.