With their new found free time,
players and owners are finding their days longer and boring. Here's how the
teams are spending their new found hours:
Anaheim Ducks - Due to increases in 3D technology, are
constantly looping holographic projections of the Mighty Ducks on the ice,
although people no longer find Emilio Estevez appealing.
Boston Bruins - Every Boston fan now watches hockey in
Slovakia, since being relocated singlehandedly by Zdeno Chara.
Buffalo Sabres - Have no intentions to inform or console
fans under their "No Goal" policy.
Calgary Flames – Along with
the Winnipeg Jets, have been prank calling the list of hockey fans in Atlanta.
After all 50 calls, went back to playing each other on Xbox live.
Carolina Hurricanes - Don't really care when the
lockout ends as long as they get to chuckle to themselves for the duration of
the lockout the phrase, "Staal Tactics"
Chicago Blackhawks – Taking this time to wait for
Marian Hossa to come out of his coma.
Colorado Avalanche – Are enjoying remarkable poise
of young captain Gabriel Landeskog, who has not yet cracked under the bitter
pressures of this season.
Columbus Blue Jackets - Are hosting scrimmages
between their main roster and the 23 players they got from New York.
Dallas Stars – Are enjoying news of the lockout on the
New Cowboys Stadium screen.
Detroit Red Wings - Are just throwing cows on the
ice and watching them play, cutting the owners meals from McDonald's from their
salary as a hockey related cost.
Edmonton Oilers - Have been able to get their
scouting out of the way and, having been to Canada, Europe, Russia, Boston and
Minnesota, are looking at taking the exceptional, sensational, young #1 pick
next year.
Florida Panthers - Are trying to recruit the
Miami Heat player Joel Anthony so that they can sell tickets based on star
power.
Los Angeles Kings - Fearing a miscount, are
trying to find all the Stanley Cup Championship banners from when Wayne Gretzky
was on the team.
Minnesota Wild – Have sent Ryan Suter and Zach Parise to
Disney World, where they are assured to get their money in a currency that
won’t be affected by inflation.
Montreal Canadiens – With the success of their
recent centennial campaign, are planning for the upcoming shortened season with
a 20 year celebration of the Cup being in Canada.
Nashville Predators - Have agreed to use the
players alongside a cobranding effort to bring "Dixie Stampede" on
ice, which has already broken franchise records for profitability.
New Jersey Devils - Are taking this opportunity to
give Martin Brodeur bionic implants like Jax from Mortal Kombat, just in case
he has to play for the next 40 years and in case Shang Tsung makes a move in
labor negotiations.
New York Islanders – Revisiting their strategy to
avoid being a futile team in Long Island by changing lines, retraining players
around John Tavares, and moving to Brooklyn.
New York Rangers - Are assisting with a Broadway
overhaul by teaching them the modern theory of blocking.
Ottawa Senators – Have decided to revisit their
strategy as being the Washington Capitals of Canada.
Philadelphia Flyers - Have an agreement with the
NHL to exchange their remaining penalty minutes from this year's Pens-Flyers playoff
series for community service hours. The Flyers will break even by 2019, in time
for the next lockout.
Phoenix Coyotes - Are assuring fans that, yes,
their city does have a team that's locked out.
Pittsburgh Penguins – Have decided Craig Adams
should use this time to become a neurosurgeon and a lawyer to fix Crosby and to
translate the NHL rules on concussions.
San Jose Sharks - In order to recoup expenses,
discussing with Gary Bettman the legalities of paying their players with
Facebook stock.
St. Louis Blues - Are making use of Jaroslav
Halak in the reading of the 75,000 page financial reports, since nothing gets
past him.
Tampa Bay Lightning – Have lowered their
expectations of Steve Stamkos in light of the shortened season to only 45
goals.
Toronto Maple Leafs - Are simply happy to far into
the season without losing any games
Vancouver Canucks - Fans are enjoying this
extended period of peace.
Washington Capitals - Have told fans that the last
season is still in the Conference Finals, which is why the Caps aren't playing
yet.
Winnipeg Jets - With Dallas back on the air, the Jets
have able to convince locals that last season was just a dream.
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