Day 12 - The "Caniac Carnival" and other local events that aren't hockey

Every day en route to work, I was reminded of the lockout as the PNC Arena insisted on advertising the Predators-Canes game in spite of the fact that players and owners insisted there shouldn't be hockey until everyone agrees to break the $5 billion mark. In light of the NC State Fair arriving in town soon, they have now degenerated into hosting a semi-hockey related event called the "Caniac Carnival" which I assume will have the cadre of things that have become boilerplate at local events: face paint, moon bounces, and some kind of local food on a stick.

Anaheim Ducks - "Duck Soup" - Bobby Ryan, Bryan Allen, and Corey Perry watch "Duck Soup" on the jumbotron at the Honda Center

Boston Bruins - "Boston Tee Party" - A chance for all fans, young and old, to celebrate this year's magical playoff run!

Buffalo Sabres - "Man vs. Food" - Ryan Miller has to divert every wing thrown at him to his stomach. Can he win? Spoiler alert. Yes!

Calgary Flames - "Prince Alberta in a Canada" - Jesters and maple syrup, which are the clowns and barbecue sauce of Canada. 

Chicago Blackhawks - "Perfect Strangers" - Jimmy Hayes and Jonathan Toews assume the roles of Mark Linn-Baker and Bronson Pinchot in this revitalization of everyone's favorite TGIF fish-out-of-water show from the 80s.

Colorado Avalanche - "Denver the Last Dinosaur Marathon" - This isn't really happening, I'm just projecting my need for 90s nostalgia.

Columbus Blue Jackets - "Fleur Delacour Fashion Show" - Sponsored entirely by Tyra Banks and JK Rowling, the men of Columbus will strut their stuff in 1950s petticoats and rainwear.

Dallas Stars - "Dallas Day Romp" - Stevie Ray Vaughn and Taylor Swift headline this event so that the players will finally be near actual stars.

Detroit Red Wings - "8 Mile High Club" (one night only!)- Ty Conklin and Pavel Datsyuk show off their family friendly rhyming skills in a rap battle 

Edmonton Oilers - "Gretskiing" - The local team shows us how easy it is and stay on a downward slope

Florida Panthers - "Peter Panther" - A modern retelling of the beloved children's novel, is as almost baffling as naming your team after an animals whose numbers are lower than the team's roster.

Los Angeles Kings - "The City of Angels" - Will open up things at the Staples arena in the Clippers-Lakers game by playing the Lakers as the Clippers. They will win by 20.

Minnesota Wild - "The Taming of the Screwed" - Mikko Koivu's satire on the players and owners treatment of fans.

Montreal Canadiens - "Carol of the Bell Centre" - Erik Cole shows us Montreal's arena decked out in Christmas lights synched to music. The show is scheduled to be between 30-90 minutes, depending on when Erik Cole gets traded back to the Canes.

Nashville Predators - "The Nashvillains" - The Dixie Chicks take on Hal Gill and Pekka Rinne for country music supremacy.

New Jersey Devils - "Newark Order" - Martin Brodeur leads the rest of the team in an 80s band night. While most on the team will dress like "Twisted Sister" and "Soft Cell" with borrowed, Brodeur will pull out his old rags from the 1880s.

New York Islanders - "My Prison Without Bars" - Evgeni Nabokov relives his horrible experience with the New York Islanders

New York Rangers - "Madison Square Gardening" - Sean Avery's initiative to make MSG more environmentally friendly. Don't be a Times Square!

Ottawa Senators - "The Sena-tours" - Follow the Ottawa tourist board as you are magically whisked the wonders of Canadian versions of things, like Canadian bacon, which Americans call ham, Canadian beer, which Americans call club soda, and Canadian droughts, which Americans call playoffs.

Philadelphia Flyers - "Penal-tied" - A high-schtick cartoon event showing the proper way to give players concussions.

Phoenix Coyotes - "Auction House" - Not really a public event, just a meeting of potential buyers. Lowest unique bid wins.

Pittsburgh Penguins - "Show Steelers" - James Harrison and Kris Letang finally get a chance to perform their musical morality play on ice!

San Jose Sharks - "Sillycon Carne Cook Off" - Stand-up by Joe Thornton will leave you on your stomach like chili from Joe Thornton

St. Louis Blues - "The Arch of the Covenant" - A high adventure piece that has Jaime Langenbrunner and Harrison Ford finding the fabled Stanley Cup and the fourth Indiana Jones movie.

Tampa Bay Lightning - "

Toronto Maple Leafs - "The Magical Land of Make Be-Leafs" - Hosted by Mister Rogers, the trolley takes us down the land of wonderment that shows us what it would be like if Toronto had a hockey team.

Vancouver Canucks - "Renaissance Faire" - Not because it's in town, but because that's what the city was reduced to since that Stanley Cup loss.

Washington Capitals - "Capital Offense" - Hosted by city police, much like its name suggests, hasn't been seen in the District since folding in 2010.

Winnipeg Jets - "The Hundred Acre Wood" - Zach Bogosian tells us his new commute to his hockey arena.