Day 22 - Drag Queens and Amish

We are now entering week four of the hockey lockout. In the wise words of my good friend from Beltsville, "I don't know what to do without hockey. I've been watching reality shows about drag queens and the Amish." Personally, I haven't resorted to the viewing of cross-dressers, Mennonites, and cross-dressing Mennonites, coming to Fox in the spring of 2013 in the form of "Ru Paul's Barn Raising: Hook-And-Eye for the Straight Guy" - Plainness ain't Painless! My patience wears thin for the return of bladed ice-dwellers. What other bottom-dwelling boob tube shows await this curmudgeon in his daily drudgery...

Day 21 - Owners and Players Debate

DAY 21 - OWNERS VS. PLAYERS DEBATE

Wednesday night marked the first night of the presidential
debate in America, squaring off incumbent president Barack Obama
against Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney. Little did
anyone know that NHL commissioner Gary Bettman was having
his own debate with NHL Players Association executive
director Donald Fehr. Here's a brief snippet of what went
down (aside from player salaries and fan faith in the
league).

                      ANNOUNCER
          Moderating tonight's debate will be
          one of the most revered members of
          the NHL, Sean O'Donnell, whose
          storied career eneded...

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          I still play.

                      ANNOUNCER
          Ladies and gentlemen, Sean O'
          Donnell.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Good evening from the Gallagher-Iba
          Arena of the Oklahoma State
          Cowboys, future site an expansion
          NHL team, the Vancouver Canucks, or
          Phoenix Coyotes refugees. I welcome
          you to this debate between Gary
          Bettman and Donald Fehr. This
          debate is sponsored by the
          Commission on Hockey Debates, which
          should be considered a hockey
          related cost. The audience here in
          the hall has promised to remain
          silent - no cheers, applaue,
          hisses, or boos, except for now,
          when Gary Bettman enters.

Enter GARY BETTMAN and DONALD FEHR.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
                (continued)
          Gentleman and Mr. Bettman, welcome
          to you both. Let's start with
          segment one, the economy, and let's
          begin with player salaries. A coin
          toss determined that Mr. Fehr go
          first, but Mr. Bettman has insisted
          that he won. Mr. Bettman?

                      GARY BETTMAN
          Good evening, everyone. Ladies and
          gentlemen, it's an honor to be
          here. Years ago, when I had my
          first lockout, I never thought
          would make it this far. But much
          like the film director Christopher
          Nolan, I was able to orchestrate a
          series of events that offered
          never-ending drama, action, and
          pandemonium that our fans have come
          to expect from me. Moving on to the
          salaries of our wonderful players.
          Our current revenue stream is at a
          mere gazillion dollars. Owners
          simply aren't making the bajillions
          they expected and players have to
          understand that the money isn't
          there to pay them. I have a Five
          Points Plan that is meant to
          counteract this. My Five Points
          Plan includes: cutting player
          salaries, reducing team member
          paychecks, slashing the amount of
          money our athelets earn, trimming
          down the percentage of the revenue
          pool that players get, and
          diminishing the exorbitant amount
          of currency our players insist on
          having.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          I'm pretty sure you went over time.
          Let me ask my timekeeper, Drew
          Doughty. Drew?

                      DREW DOUGHTY
          Nah.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Thanks, Drew. Mr. Fehr?

                      DONALD FEHR
          Thank you, Sean. Sean, my esteemed
          guests in the audience, and to
          every fan at home, my plan is very
          simple. There needs to be a massive
          change in the infrastructure and
          training of our teams. In our
          current state, our players are
          forced to ride old buses, play in
          arenas like Nassau Veterans
          Memorial Colisuem and they're also
          using playbooks that are ten years
          old. With my plan we can fix all of
          the players' detriments and we can
          do this without cutting player
          salaries, probably.

Pulls out picture of Nail Yakupov.

                      DONALD FEHR
          Sean, this is little Nail Yakupov,
          who...


                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Your two minutes was up like two
          hours ago.

                      GARY BETTMAN
          I would like to talk.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          You haven't been asked a question.

                      GARY BETTMAN
          Shut up, old man. I'm going. My
          expansion plan includes adding
          teams to Des Moines, Tuscaloosa,
          and Mexico City, which will add ten
          trillion jobs and seventy gajillion
          billion Zimbabwe dollars to the
          pool, which is how we can increase
          player salaries.

                      DONALD FEHR
          My opponent's plans only hurts
          current small market teams. For
          instance, the last time the Florida
          Panthers turned a profit was when
          Cliff Viner flipped over a winning
          lottery ticket!

                      GARY BETTMAN
          I'm also cutting Sesame Street for
          no reason.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Mr. Fehr, your rebuttal?

                      DONALD FEHR
          My opponent doesn't realize two
          things. A. Sesame Street has been
          pivotal in the recuperation of Marc
          Savard and Sidney Crosby. B. Zdeno
          Chara has counted on Sesame Street
          for his supplemental wages during
          the lockout for playing the part of
          Big Bird!

                      GARY BETTMAN
          Sean, nation, what my opponent
          doesn't realize is that my current
          plan lowers the unemplyment of
          hockey players.

                      DONALD FEHR
          Your current plan causes the
          unemployment of hockey players.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Sirs, I must insist that you wait
          to be called on.


                      DONALD FEHR & GARY BETTMAN
          Shut up, you old man!

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          And now time for our commercial
          break.

                      DREW DOUGHTY
          I don't think debates have
          commercial breaks.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          I should have given up moderating
          debates years ago. In fact, I'm
          declaring the debate over! It looks
          like the owners have declared Gary
          Bettman the winner and the players
          have declared Donald Fehr the
          winner. From Gallagher-Iba Arena,
          good night, everybody!

Day 20 - Top Ten Unintended Side Effects of the Lockout

10. Blood donation centers are falling far short of their quotas this year, especially in Philly.
9. The local temperature around Madison Square Garden has lowered by three degrees, since mouth-breathing Rangers fans have nothing to squeal about.
8. Rick DiPietro is the healthie - nope.
7. The Capitals have had time to condition themselves for a deep playoff run, which means they'll play the best golf in years.
6. The KHL is seeing a record number of Americans viewing hockey on ESPN. Also, ESPN is seeing a record number of Americans viewing hockey on ESPN.
5. With a potential of the season being canceled, children of third-world countries of worried about getting their yearly supply of “San Jose Sharks - Conference Champs!” shirts
4. Jersey sales for David Legwand have plummeted 50%, from 2 to 1, as David Legwand only bought one jersey.
3. With their new found free time on Sundays, NHL refs now know at fifty new ways to blow games.
2. Parking and traffic around the Prudential Center has gone from "nightmarishly awful" to "awful".
1. With arenas empty, Clint Eastwood is now free to address the leaders of the world in peace.

Day 19 - A Fortnight of Fighting Flees

The NHL has officially declared the first two weeks of the regular season completely and utterly canceled, which is weird, since I thought the Winter Classic was in January and the Twitterverse is in consensus that's the official beginning of the 2012-2013 season (There will be massive crunching of 2012 games to ensure that part of the year was played).

This gives me ample free time to write my nastygram to Gary Bettman. Here's a sneak peek of what I have written so far:

Dear Gary Bettman,

Boooooooooooooooooooooo.
{to be read in your head throughout this letter}

You suck ice. Yes, that is an allusion to Mighty Ducks 3. This is what level at which my personal fandom now presides. I spend my days and nights watching hockey movies and Stanley Cup finals, pretending I don't know all the dialogue as I mouth along with it, but it just isn't the same (the scrappy team with a never-say-die attitude that isn't the Caps wins), although that Chris Phillips goal never seems to get old.

Mr. Bettman, this is the third lockout under your tutelage, which gives you the record of most labor stoppages under a major league commissioner. Congratulations. You're in the history books and a Wiki article and a Sporcle quiz. Now stop. Please.

I know you want things to be more fair for small-market teams and your plan to move every market from Canada to the US to make every team a small-market team was a pretty decent if not diabolical plan. With the money was the one or two or seven record breaking years you've had, I'm sure you and the other owners can finally afford your own personal Legion of Doom lair.

As a die-hard hockey fan who has followed the organization from the beginning of the Washington Capitals campaign, way back in 2005, I urge you to find a peace, bring this lockout to a close, and find some other way to underpay your players.
Thank boo,

JamJars

Day 18 - Diaspora

With the NHL dispersed across the AHL, CHL, and KHL, I thought it might be helpful to denote how to know what league you're watching. The following is a comprehensive guide to the various hockey cultures across national borders.

KHL - Customers are typically price-gouged for cups of vodka.
CHL - Customers are typically price-gouged for cups of Moulson.
AHL - Customers are typically price-gouged for cups of club soda (Bud Light).

KHL - Teams are featured mostly in the biggest cities in contemporary Russia.
AHL - Teams are featured mostly in the biggest cities in contemporary New York.
CHL - Teams are featured mostly in the biggest villages in contemporary Canada.

KHL - Fans can be found adorned in gloves and mouton sheepskin lining the stands.
CHL - Fans can be found adorned in gloves and moosen sheepskin lining the stands.
AHL - Fans can be found adorned in their favorite player's jersey, playing on the ice.

KHL - Spies are typically referred to as KGB agents.
CHL - Spies are typically referred to as rogue Mounties.
AHL - Spies are typically referred to as New England Patriots.

CHL - Parking is scarce and only available on a first-come, first-serve basis.
KHL - Parking is only problem for people with cars.
AHL - Parking is only a problem when the arena double books Lynyrd Skynyrd.

CHL - Is a good place to spot future stars of hockey.
AHL - Is a good place to spot past stars of hockey.
KHL - Is a good place to spot present stars of hockey or those stuck under their military or mafia obligations.


CHL - The arena primarily serves ham.
AHL - The arena primarily serves bacon.
KHL - You serve arena.

Day 17 - Movie Marathon!

I have to get my hockey fix somehow. Here's a rundown of the best and worst hockey movies to watch during this dark time.

Goon - Seann William Scott stars as a young Sean Avery. 1 out of 5 stars because most of the time, he’s in front in the camera, flailing his arms.

Miracle - Details the extraordinary journey of an unlikely, overmatched squad beating a heavily favored contender to win it all in New York when the New York Islanders beat the Philadelphia
Flyers.

Net Worth - A documentary that follows team owners. 90% of this movie is comprised of them laughing maniacally. The other 10% is them crying from laughing so hard.

The Mighty Ducks - Basically shows what James Van Der Beek could have been if Dawson’s Creek had been Dawson’s Rink. Also, if James Van Der Beek had been in the movie instead of Joshua Jackson.

Slap Shot - Set in 1977, a failing hockey team finds success using constant fighting and violence during games. Working title: Can You Take Me, Flyers

The Rocket - Previously unreleased footage of Erik Cole skating between the Canes and whatever team he’s playing for this year.

Mystery, Alaska - Chronicles the adventures of a team that is barely minor-league as they go up against the New York Rangers. So basically the Ottawa Senators against the New York Rangers

Youngblood - Starring a young Teemu Selanne, the only one of these movies that was filmed in black and white. Also, the 1950s. Look for the hand-cranked Zamboni!

D2: The Mighty Ducks - The Ducks return to face their greatest foe: a blond girl that distracts their coach. Based on the true story of Pete Deboer.

Idol of the Crowds - I don’t have a punchline for this. Just know that John Wayne was in a movie about hockey in the 30s.

Waking Up Wally: The Walter Greztky Story - 0/5 stars. This movie featured neither WALL*E nor Wayne Gretzky.

The Boys - Hockey's version of "The Lost Boys" that follows Cory Feldman as he defends the world from a blood-sucking Scott Hartnell. Actual footage.

D3: The Mighty Ducks - A bunch of young, scrappy kids must find a way to outwit their rich, preppy counterparts. It’s basically a metaphor for every lockout ever.

Breakaway - ⅖. Just highlights of every Eric Staal goal against the Capitals.

The Rhino Brothers - A story of the Sedin family and their sons’ journeys to play for a professional team.

Day 16 - In Celebration of NHL '94

Somewhere in this month marks the 8th anniversary of the 10th anniversary of NHL '94, the best sports game of its generation and graphical and game play capabilities, its pixelated prowess providing players with unparalleled puck control. It was much better than the days of the NES before official contracts with the NHL led to titles like "Hockey", although "Blades of Steel" remains one of the most metonymically relevant titles of all time. Let's take a look at the evolution of hockey from '94 to now.

1994: Nail Yakupov is born with big dreams of playing for the NHL.
2012: Nail Yakupov clings desperately to big dreams of playing for the NHL.

1994: Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson look to lead North Carolina to its first professional championship in the state.
2006: Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson watch the Carolina Hurricanes lead North Carolina to its first professional championship in the state.

1994: Atlanta's fourteen year wait for a hockey team looks to come to a close soon.
2012: Atlanta's thirty-two year wait for a hockey team continues.

1994: "The Mighty Ducks" just had their sequel recently released where the young, scrappy team must learn to work together with new players and their loveable coach as they face the evilness of Iceland.
2012: "The Mighty Ducks" are a young, scrappy team that must learn to work together with new players and a coach as they beg for employment in the evilness of Iceland.

1994: The Vancouver Canucks lose in heartbreaking fashion to the New York Rangers in seven games, although as a seventh-seed, nobody expected them to go that far.
2011: The Vancouver Canucks lose in heartbreaking fashion to the Boston Bruins in seven games, although as a President's Trophy winner, nobody expected them to go that far.

1994: The Washington Capitals made the playoffs, tasting the Stanley Cup as they make a deep run, but often ending in tragic and heartfelt failure.
2012: The Washington Capitals made the playoffs, tasting the Stanley Cup as they make a run, but often ending in abject and utter failure.

1994: Gary Bettman has finished his freshman year as new league commissioner having ended the campaign without a single lockout.
2012: Gary Bettman finishes his 18th year as the league commissioner having ended the campaign without being locked out of his house.