DAY 21 - OWNERS VS. PLAYERS DEBATE
Wednesday night marked the first night of the presidential
debate in America, squaring off incumbent president Barack Obama
against Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney. Little did
anyone know that NHL commissioner Gary Bettman was having
his own debate with NHL Players Association executive
director Donald Fehr. Here's a brief snippet of what went
down (aside from player salaries and fan faith in the
league).
ANNOUNCER
Moderating tonight's debate will be
one of the most revered members of
the NHL, Sean O'Donnell, whose
storied career eneded...
SEAN O'DONNELL
I still play.
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and gentlemen, Sean O'
Donnell.
SEAN O'DONNELL
Good evening from the Gallagher-Iba
Arena of the Oklahoma State
Cowboys, future site an expansion
NHL team, the Vancouver Canucks, or
Phoenix Coyotes refugees. I welcome
you to this debate between Gary
Bettman and Donald Fehr. This
debate is sponsored by the
Commission on Hockey Debates, which
should be considered a hockey
related cost. The audience here in
the hall has promised to remain
silent - no cheers, applaue,
hisses, or boos, except for now,
when Gary Bettman enters.
Enter GARY BETTMAN and DONALD FEHR.
SEAN O'DONNELL
(continued)
Gentleman and Mr. Bettman, welcome
to you both. Let's start with
segment one, the economy, and let's
begin with player salaries. A coin
toss determined that Mr. Fehr go
first, but Mr. Bettman has insisted
that he won. Mr. Bettman?
GARY BETTMAN
Good evening, everyone. Ladies and
gentlemen, it's an honor to be
here. Years ago, when I had my
first lockout, I never thought
would make it this far. But much
like the film director Christopher
Nolan, I was able to orchestrate a
series of events that offered
never-ending drama, action, and
pandemonium that our fans have come
to expect from me. Moving on to the
salaries of our wonderful players.
Our current revenue stream is at a
mere gazillion dollars. Owners
simply aren't making the bajillions
they expected and players have to
understand that the money isn't
there to pay them. I have a Five
Points Plan that is meant to
counteract this. My Five Points
Plan includes: cutting player
salaries, reducing team member
paychecks, slashing the amount of
money our athelets earn, trimming
down the percentage of the revenue
pool that players get, and
diminishing the exorbitant amount
of currency our players insist on
having.
SEAN O'DONNELL
I'm pretty sure you went over time.
Let me ask my timekeeper, Drew
Doughty. Drew?
DREW DOUGHTY
Nah.
SEAN O'DONNELL
Thanks, Drew. Mr. Fehr?
DONALD FEHR
Thank you, Sean. Sean, my esteemed
guests in the audience, and to
every fan at home, my plan is very
simple. There needs to be a massive
change in the infrastructure and
training of our teams. In our
current state, our players are
forced to ride old buses, play in
arenas like Nassau Veterans
Memorial Colisuem and they're also
using playbooks that are ten years
old. With my plan we can fix all of
the players' detriments and we can
do this without cutting player
salaries, probably.
Pulls out picture of Nail Yakupov.
DONALD FEHR
Sean, this is little Nail Yakupov,
who...
SEAN O'DONNELL
Your two minutes was up like two
hours ago.
GARY BETTMAN
I would like to talk.
SEAN O'DONNELL
You haven't been asked a question.
GARY BETTMAN
Shut up, old man. I'm going. My
expansion plan includes adding
teams to Des Moines, Tuscaloosa,
and Mexico City, which will add ten
trillion jobs and seventy gajillion
billion Zimbabwe dollars to the
pool, which is how we can increase
player salaries.
DONALD FEHR
My opponent's plans only hurts
current small market teams. For
instance, the last time the Florida
Panthers turned a profit was when
Cliff Viner flipped over a winning
lottery ticket!
GARY BETTMAN
I'm also cutting Sesame Street for
no reason.
SEAN O'DONNELL
Mr. Fehr, your rebuttal?
DONALD FEHR
My opponent doesn't realize two
things. A. Sesame Street has been
pivotal in the recuperation of Marc
Savard and Sidney Crosby. B. Zdeno
Chara has counted on Sesame Street
for his supplemental wages during
the lockout for playing the part of
Big Bird!
GARY BETTMAN
Sean, nation, what my opponent
doesn't realize is that my current
plan lowers the unemplyment of
hockey players.
DONALD FEHR
Your current plan causes the
unemployment of hockey players.
SEAN O'DONNELL
Sirs, I must insist that you wait
to be called on.
DONALD FEHR & GARY BETTMAN
Shut up, you old man!
SEAN O'DONNELL
And now time for our commercial
break.
DREW DOUGHTY
I don't think debates have
commercial breaks.
SEAN O'DONNELL
I should have given up moderating
debates years ago. In fact, I'm
declaring the debate over! It looks
like the owners have declared Gary
Bettman the winner and the players
have declared Donald Fehr the
winner. From Gallagher-Iba Arena,
good night, everybody!
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