Today would've been the opening day of the 2012-2013 NHL season. Ottawa would've faced Montreal, Boston would have battled Philly, the Canucks would have fought the Flames, and the 43rd worst city would have matched up against the 43rd best state. When faced with such a huge loss, most people curl up into the fetal position of the Kubler-Ross model of grief dealing: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Hockey fans do not have or are even aware of such pansy feelings, with the exception of anger, which is like the bunny slopes of hockey emotions. Here for you today is the typical stages of grief for the average hockey fan, whether it be the loss over a season due to cancellation, injury, or crappy playoff runs.
Fear - Stricken by the paralyzing anxiety that there may not be games for a couple of months, the average hockey fans turn as white as the ice or away jerseys or Rick DiPietro when he sees a flying pillow. It is the only time you will see a hockey fan rendered speechless, aside from a night of celebration from a win or agony from a loss. This phase subsides very quickly, as most associates of hockey, player, coach, or fan, know no fear. Thus we are taken to:
Anger - Normally the healthy outlet exhibited by fans during the normal course of a game, this energy is now negatively vented by enthusiasts of the game. The common factor is that both sets of stages lead to the destruction of private property, but while normal anger displayed by fans of leads to the ravaging of their stuff, when hockey goes into an prolonged off-season, it will lend itself to the destruction of your property. It's important to show hockey fans you love them, but do so with plastic and safety glass. We are then magically whisked away to:
Hate - Every little thing sets the hockey player off as something seems to remind them of the sport they were once very fond of. It could range from something as overt as skates to the extremely subtle, six-degrees of separation, train of thought with caboose added like a McDonald's that makes them think of burgers taht makes them think of chicken that makes them think of oven chicken that makes them think Ovechkin. Seething with malevolence to their core, it's important to tread carefully around hockey fans during this phase. I find roller derby or extreme figure skating (figure skating with obstacles) is pretty safe. From there, we traverse to:
Suffering - This really isn't a phase of personal detest, but rather what the friends and family of hockey fans feel as the course of the off-season drags on and on. Endless rants about the seemingly never-ending lockout now dominate their boring and boorish conversations. There discussions mostly waltz around their three fondest memories which become easily memorized at the initial conversations. Caps fans are the worst to be around, since their three fondest memories are same Alex Ovechkin goal, the one where he's on his back in Phoenix, shown from three different angles. Finally, we saunter to:
The Shadowy Pit of Ominous Darkness/The Light at the End of the Arena Tunnel - This is the hit or miss phase where the fan either shows absolutely no hope and has resorted to college lacrosse to meet their violent sports needs or where the fan has heard the wondrous news that the season is set to begin. If the fan has given up hope, it's best to give him or her space, as well as a new wardrobe. You can title it "Alternate Home Uniform" to help null the pain. If, however, the season is set to begin, grab your ear plugs and your least-favorite color appropriate shirt. It's time to shout with glee and head to the nearest hockey arena!
I hope you have found this guide somewhat helpful. It's important that we all stick together. We're gonna get through this.
Fear - Stricken by the paralyzing anxiety that there may not be games for a couple of months, the average hockey fans turn as white as the ice or away jerseys or Rick DiPietro when he sees a flying pillow. It is the only time you will see a hockey fan rendered speechless, aside from a night of celebration from a win or agony from a loss. This phase subsides very quickly, as most associates of hockey, player, coach, or fan, know no fear. Thus we are taken to:
Anger - Normally the healthy outlet exhibited by fans during the normal course of a game, this energy is now negatively vented by enthusiasts of the game. The common factor is that both sets of stages lead to the destruction of private property, but while normal anger displayed by fans of leads to the ravaging of their stuff, when hockey goes into an prolonged off-season, it will lend itself to the destruction of your property. It's important to show hockey fans you love them, but do so with plastic and safety glass. We are then magically whisked away to:
Hate - Every little thing sets the hockey player off as something seems to remind them of the sport they were once very fond of. It could range from something as overt as skates to the extremely subtle, six-degrees of separation, train of thought with caboose added like a McDonald's that makes them think of burgers taht makes them think of chicken that makes them think of oven chicken that makes them think Ovechkin. Seething with malevolence to their core, it's important to tread carefully around hockey fans during this phase. I find roller derby or extreme figure skating (figure skating with obstacles) is pretty safe. From there, we traverse to:
Suffering - This really isn't a phase of personal detest, but rather what the friends and family of hockey fans feel as the course of the off-season drags on and on. Endless rants about the seemingly never-ending lockout now dominate their boring and boorish conversations. There discussions mostly waltz around their three fondest memories which become easily memorized at the initial conversations. Caps fans are the worst to be around, since their three fondest memories are same Alex Ovechkin goal, the one where he's on his back in Phoenix, shown from three different angles. Finally, we saunter to:
The Shadowy Pit of Ominous Darkness/The Light at the End of the Arena Tunnel - This is the hit or miss phase where the fan either shows absolutely no hope and has resorted to college lacrosse to meet their violent sports needs or where the fan has heard the wondrous news that the season is set to begin. If the fan has given up hope, it's best to give him or her space, as well as a new wardrobe. You can title it "Alternate Home Uniform" to help null the pain. If, however, the season is set to begin, grab your ear plugs and your least-favorite color appropriate shirt. It's time to shout with glee and head to the nearest hockey arena!
I hope you have found this guide somewhat helpful. It's important that we all stick together. We're gonna get through this.
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