Day 29 - The Three Ghosts of Hockey

Maybe it was the NC State Fair food or my penchant for watching holiday movies based on British literature out of season and high school or some small combination of both, but last night I was visited by the three specters that represent the dying season of the frozen pond sport. Representing the boilerplate ambiguous eras of time, past, present, and future, were the three Staal brothers, Eric, Jordan, and Marc. In their translucent form and bluish Jedi hue, they all revealed to me important wisdom as to the direction of hockey.

The Past
Eric Staal initiated this ethereal state of affairs by being chained to the half boards, one hand shorter than the other, and then breaking away and scoring a goal on Vokoun. And then Neuvirth. And then Varlamov. And then Sabourin. And then Neuvirth again. And then Theodore. And then Kolzig stopped him with his father time beard. Eric then reminded me that there had been lockouts before and the NHL was able to overcome them. And then Eric reminded me that there had been hockey before 2004. And then I told him about the time that DC had a chance to win the cup in 1998. And he just laughed and laughed and laughed.

The Present
Jordan Staal tagged into the dream via a trade you would only see with a rookie fantasy hockey player, Staal for Brandon Sutter and Brian Dumoulin. We spent a good part of the dream just driving around the open and free roads of Raleigh as when he lived in Pittsburgh, he lived in constant fear of bridges, his belief that he would either find a troll or Brett Kiesel. He assured me that the lockout would be over any day now and all the teams really need in this scenario is a really good mediator acting on their behalf. He is filling the void from the lack of hockey by learning to count to 60 million.

The Future
Marc Staal was either eating a turkey leg from the fair or Zdeno Chara's leg in some weird form of symbology suggesting that the Rangers would the Bruins soundly (or Marc Staal will be getting rabies and be feasting upon the quadriceps of various Slovakian behemoths). He then imparted upon a premonition on me as my time in dreamland began to wane and transition into the cruel brightly lit morning. He showed me this really big house in Michigan where hockey was being played in someone's backyard. Red winged Sephiroth's were pitted against defenseless trees. I think this mean's that the first hockey game of the season will be the Winter Classic as played by Gary Bettman and the mayor of Detroit on NHL '13.

It was at this point that the melange of deep fried food stuffs and the airborne pollutants of Pall Mall cigarettes had finally forced its way through my unfortunate digestive tract and caused me to rise to the stupid yellow sun. I wish to destroy that goldenrod sphere or at least delay its rise in the morning. Can't wait 'til this lockout's over and I can get back on a normal sleep schedule...waking up at noon.

Day 28 - Minor League Superstars: Sweet, This Place Has a Walmart!

The AHL season started last night with all of the lesser players representing the lesser cities in the realm of hockey. Given the current state of superstar hockey, many players with two-way contracts (meaning these athletes can go in between their main squad and farming franchise without fear of being picked up by the New York Islanders, poor Nabokov) are filling up the rosters of their minor league analogue while they await the end of the lockout.

I can't imagine it's easy for an AHL player to make the transition from the national spotlight to hockey's version of open-mic night. (Hey, guys! How many Caps does it take to screw in a lightbulb in the playoffs? None, their caddy does it for them! - Ryan Nugent-Hopkins) For instance, in the NHL you may be thrown under the bus after having a bad night or just to be a scapegoat for a team's abysmal loss. In the AHL, when you're thrown under the bus, it's because that's how you get to away games. Diet also takes its toll as players get used to their new salaries. Rather than dining on the finest food and the freshest imported seafood, players instead eat Swedish Fish. Rookies aren't hazed into the teams by buying his teammates drinks on tap. He treats them to the finest jellybeans and the freshest Pepsi that Hamilton can offer. Sean Avery has volunteered to help players adapt to the AHL lifestyle in the same way that people in communist countries vote for their fearless leaders.

I like to think the AHL is a lot like the "Mighty Ducks", with a bunch of players and parents yelling at each other for not being good, but it's probably a lot more like "The Big Green", wherein the players and parents make their own pads with duct tape and spit and because I'm pretty sure there is a team called the "Elma Nothings". The fan bases are a little different as well. Instead of being hardcore season ticket holders, with an  undying loyalty and devotion to the team, AHL fans are typically people who won a t-shirt and tickets from a radio show trivia contest that became a desperate giveaway when it became apparent that the guesser new nothing about Skrillex and Pokemon.

On a more positive note, with major league arenas left empty with nothing to fill them but monster truck rallies, antiques festivals, and NBA games, the AHL is cashing in by moving a few games over to their superstar counterparts, so I'll at least get to see one Staal play this season.

Day 27 - A Dismal Day Daubs the Depressed Drudgery of DC

On this night, the O's and the Nat's were unceremoniously removed from post-season contention. I recognize this feeling all too well. You never really get used to it. You simply deal with it, much like traffic in the DC area, although it's not really fair to call it traffic, since the word traffic implies some level of forward progress and a worthwhile destination.

There really is no reason to be upset with this turn of events (with the notable exception of not having hockey as an escape route). The Orioles and the Nationals put up quite magical seasons. Looking back into the early years of the millennium, these were the exact results we expected. The farm systems for both teams were finally going to put up a bullpen worthy of national contention in baseball's grandest stage. That the Nationals lost to the defending champs and the Orioles lost to the normal defending champs is nothing to thumb your nose at (except for the part where I pour money and time into a seemingly hopeless endeavor).

Will I continue pouring money and time into this hopeless endeavor? Of course! In the great words of Philip J. Fry, "You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. That's when you have to hope more and cover your ears and go, 'Blah! Blah! Blah!'" With my stake in this year's baseball season completely done with, I can stop ignoring people and work with constant score updates from the MLB and instead ignore people and work with constant updates from NHLPA.

Day 26 - The Five Periods of Grief

Today would've been the opening day of the 2012-2013 NHL season. Ottawa would've faced Montreal, Boston would have battled Philly, the Canucks would have fought the Flames, and the 43rd worst city would have matched up against the 43rd best state. When faced with such a huge loss, most people curl up into the fetal position of the Kubler-Ross model of grief dealing: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Hockey fans do not have or are even aware of such pansy feelings, with the exception of anger, which is like the bunny slopes of hockey emotions. Here for you today is the typical stages of grief for the average hockey fan, whether it be the loss over a season due to cancellation, injury, or crappy playoff runs.

Fear - Stricken by the paralyzing anxiety that there may not be games for a couple of months, the average hockey fans turn as white as the ice or away jerseys or Rick DiPietro when he sees a flying pillow. It is the only time you will see a hockey fan rendered speechless, aside from a night of celebration from a win or agony from a loss. This phase subsides very quickly, as most associates of hockey, player, coach, or fan, know no fear. Thus we are taken to:

Anger - Normally the healthy outlet exhibited by fans during the normal course of a game, this energy is now negatively vented by enthusiasts of the game. The common factor is that both sets of stages lead to the destruction of private property, but while normal anger displayed by fans of leads to the ravaging of their stuff, when hockey goes into an prolonged off-season, it will lend itself to the destruction of your property. It's important to show hockey fans you love them, but do so with plastic and safety glass. We are then magically whisked away to:

Hate - Every little thing sets the hockey player off as something seems to remind them of the sport they were once very fond of. It could range from something as overt as skates to the extremely subtle, six-degrees of separation, train of thought with caboose added like a McDonald's that makes them think of burgers taht makes them think of chicken that makes them think of oven chicken that makes them think Ovechkin. Seething with malevolence to their core, it's important to tread carefully around hockey fans during this phase. I find roller derby or extreme figure skating (figure skating with obstacles) is pretty safe. From there, we traverse to:

Suffering - This really isn't a phase of personal detest, but rather what the friends and family of hockey fans feel as the course of the off-season drags on and on. Endless rants about the seemingly never-ending lockout now dominate their boring and boorish conversations. There discussions mostly waltz around their three fondest memories which become easily memorized at the initial conversations. Caps fans are the worst to be around, since their three fondest memories are same Alex Ovechkin goal, the one where he's on his back in Phoenix, shown from three different angles. Finally, we saunter to:

The Shadowy Pit of Ominous Darkness/The Light at the End of the Arena Tunnel - This is the hit or miss phase where the fan either shows absolutely no hope and has resorted to college lacrosse to meet their violent sports needs or where the fan has heard the wondrous news that the season is set to begin. If the fan has given up hope, it's best to give him or her space, as well as a new wardrobe. You can title it "Alternate Home Uniform" to help null the pain. If, however, the season is set to begin, grab your ear plugs and your least-favorite color appropriate shirt. It's time to shout with glee and head to the nearest hockey arena!

I hope you have found this guide somewhat helpful. It's important that we all stick together. We're gonna get through this.

Day 25 - Top 10 Ways NHL Fans Are Protesting the Lockout

10. Insulting each other's teams with 24% less "Your Mom" jokes.

9. Refusing to pirate NHL '13.

8. Playing "Chelsea Dagger" by The Fratellis on endless loop until they see somebody score a goal. The Panthers have also used this tactic to get Jon Matsumoto to get one in the net.

7. Switching over to non-sports related activities, like watching ESPN.

6. Wearing their jerseys inside out, which makes the one guy wearing an Andy Sutton jersey look like it says, "Nott Us Y DNA", which is just hilarious to me and makes me think of chromosomal warfare.

5. Skipping work and charging the NHL for lost wages as hockey-related revenue.

4. Picketing Rexall Place, demanding a hockey team, which is weird, since it seems like they have been there for like ten years.

3. Peacefully assembling outside of the NHL headquarters in Toronto, which means they're only three Molsons deep.

2. Allowing new bandwagon fans to become free agents after a three-year entry-level contract.

1. Threatening to give Gary Bettman concussion-like symptoms.

Day 24 - The Return of 24/7

With new hockey unavailable to us until the owners decide they need money to fill their tropical fish tanks entirely with Perrier, HBO has decided to reair the old 24/7 series that highlighted the Pittsburgh Penguins for four weeks during their magical streak of 12 games and lowlighted the Washington Capitals during their losing streak of 7 games as they both prepared for the ultimate game that decides who's the best team of all time, the Winter Classic. This exists as an ultimate matchup until Gary Bettman can get a Capitals-Penguins Stanley Cup final (I know that this is next to impossible. The inherent flaw in this plan is that the Caps have to make a final).

This series taught us a lot of things about both teams. Bruce Boudreau and Dan Bylsma both know about fifty different derivations of the f-word, including its ancient roots in Middle English and Elvish (critical knowledge at crucial points in games and if hockey is ever fought at Hastings or Helm's Deep). Mike Green showed us that if you're supply of man cards is just overwhelming, one can easily rectify this problem with the smallest, pinkest scooter around. If an age-old race of sentient ice-cream creatures comes to Earth to exhaust our entire supply of syrup in order to dominate the galaxy, Bruce Boudreau will be there to save the day (this would also make an interesting filler episode of Doctor Who).

I can't wait to rewatch this series. It's like watching old reruns of Survivor, trying to stay surprised for the ending and waiting for John Erskine to get voted off the team. If I recall correctly, the editing was really good. It made the Capitals look like a really solid offensive team.

Day 23 - 60 Lines About 30 Hockey Teams

To the tune of "88 Lines About 44 Women" by The Nails

The Stars had their season stolen
like a Tony Romo throw
Most of Anaheim's costs
go to feeding Bruce Boudreau

Detroit is taking up their time
by helping the AARP
They ran into Martin Brodeur
Who got a fifth replacement for his knee

Columbus heard the season's gone already
Just like last year and that is fine.
I have to make this next joke quick
before the Rangers block the line

Buffalo's most famous game
involves some fog and a misplaced bat
Vancouver looks real nice
On the left side of the US hat

Colorado's one of the only teams
to be champs after a city change
Zdeno Chara's fingertips
Can touch Boston and Denver, it's quite the range

The Blues had a playoff streak
Twenty five years, then all but done
But yet they have less rings than Tampa
St. Louis - Zero, The Lightning - One

San Jose has a solid team
with Thornton, Boyle, and Havlat
Minnesota is just San Jose
With a smaller money cap

Edmonton just dominates
the age-old Alberta rivalry
I guess that's just not too hard
When your opponent is just Calgary

Carolina sells their tickets for $10
since they can't give them away or sell them out
Toronto's fans line the streets
like a late 90s Star Wars camp-out

The Eagles scored fourteen versus Pitt
In a game they couldn't win
The Flyers are still shorthanded
From stacked penalties with the Pens

Chicago's biggest setback
might be Niklas Hjalmarsson
Montreal's biggest setback
is that they are Canadian

Nashville intimidates
Through their mascot, the Predators
Who are no match for politicians
In Ottawa and their Senators

The MTS Centre gladly
hosts Winnipeg and its Jets
Where Phoenix moves across the map
I don't know! Place your bets!


The Panthers team went to Disney World
To find a part-time job that pays
The Nassau Vets Ice Arena
Goes historic within 30 days


The LA Kings took it all
The Stanley Cup in victory
The Caps never have a shot
Ironic, since they're in DC