Day 81 - Hope Glimmers Like an Anglerfish

For two days, the players and the owners have set aside their differences and actually made some progress towards saving what may come to be an abject failure at negotiations, but they gave me a glint of hope and wonder and I'm clinging to it like mold...on...bread. It's been 81 grueling days. Give me a break. Speaking of 81, that's close to 82 which is the number of games we will not be having this season.

Word on the street is that the threshold is 60 games for the NHL to get 100% of revenues from their sponsors, but 60 games would be a little heavy for the players and a hard schedule to maintain and plan at this juncture. In the literature I've read, 56 games seems like the likely choice. It will certainly compress things and make for a Usain Bolt paced run for the Stanley Cup playoffs, but this lack of hockey is really starting to ruin my winter schedule. I'm forced to find actual productive things to do with my free time. I was made aware of a little cretin named Honey Boo Boo, an act which would not have occurred if hockey had existed and arguably, the players can take care of on their return.

Hopefully the players aren't caving in too harshly, but just enough so we can some of the ice sport before year's end.

Day 80 - College Bowl Game Predictions, Part 2

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Vanderbilt Commodores vs. NC State Wolfpack
NC State wins because they're a second half team and after the National Anthem and the announcement of the bowl, it will be the second half.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. USC Trojans
The weak USC Trojans beat the weak Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets in a weak bowl game sponsored by a weak company.

Autozone Liberty Bowl: Iowa State Cyclones vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane
If this were to have any headlines, it would probably be "The Blow Bowl", ironic since both teams suck.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Clemson Tigers vs. LSU Tigers
Clemson manages to hold LSU to 88 points, beating oddsmakers and the spread by 40.

TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl: Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Northwestern Wildcats
This is a bowl that sounds like it was sponsored by a recovering WoW addict. Northwestern wins and a rivalry does not emerge to the dismay of fans everywhere.

Heart of Dallas Bowl: Purdue Boilermakers vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys
Oklahoma State shuts out Purdue. Of the stadium. And then takes Dallas. And waits.

Capital One Bowl: Georgia Bulldogs vs. Nebraska Cornhuskers
Georgia begins every drive in Nebraska's red zone, which is their own 20 yard line and then fails to convert when making it into their own red zone, Nebraska's five yard line. This game is won by the best team's defense, since they're the only ones able to stop crying.

Outback Bowl: South Carolina Gamecocks vs. Michigan Wolverines
Michigan wins after being down by four touchdowns when Hugh Jackman shows up.

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic: Texas A&M Aggies vs. Oklahoma Sooners
No matter what, after this game, the Dallas Cowboys can say that a winning team has played in their stadium.

BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Ole Miss Rebels
With both teams at 6-6, this is the "Thank God FCS Opponent Wins Count" Bowl. Pittsburgh loses after confusing the state of Alabama with the state of Mississippi and being really late

GoDaddy.com Bowl: Kent State Golden Flashes vs. Arkansas State Red Wolves
Kent State wins after giving Arkansas State a couple of golden flashes.

Rose Bowl presented by Vizio: Stanford Cardinal vs. Wisconsin Badgers
Wisconsin loses after facing their worst enemy yet. The sun.

Discover Orange Bowl: Northern Illinois Huskies vs. Florida State Seminoles
Florida State wins since the contract with Satan only had the NIU Huskies making it to the Orange Bowl.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Louisville Cardinals vs. Florida Gators
Why does the Big East get an automatic bid? Because it's tradition. Why will Louisville lose? Because it's tradition.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Kansas State Wildcats vs. Oregon Ducks.
The "We Were So Close" invitational. Oregon was one overtime away and Kansas State was a mere four touchdowns from a chance at the title. Tragic.

Discover BCS National Championship: Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Alabama Crimson Tide
Alabama only wins by 21 after spending the first three quarters playing "Monkey in the Middle" with the Irish defense.

Day 79 - College Bowl Game Predictions, Part 1

With hockey still under the radar at the moment, I've decided to focus my ire onto the absurdity of college football. All 1005 of this season's bowl games were announced on Sunday and I'm hear to offer my sharp analysis into how teams will perform in their respective postseason blunders. Here we go:

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Nevada Wolf Pack vs. Arizona Wildcats

Arizona loses this game after it changes its conference to join Kentucky, Kansas State, LSU, Auburn, and Clemson to form the Wildcats-Tigers Conference.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Toledo Rockets vs. Utah State Aggies

This bowl gets won by whatever team is first able to find Idaho on a map. My guess is Toledo, since Ohio is like the Idaho of the midwest. Nobody really cares about it except for that one football game.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: San Diego State Aztecs vs. BYU Cougars

The BYU Cougars win the game, but lose $1.25 plus applicable fees on every touchdown.

Beef 'O'Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg: Ball State Cardinals vs. UCF Knights

The Ball State's students spelling skills are put to the test as they face the UCF Knights. They fail miserably.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: East Carolina Pirates vs. Louisiana-Layfayette Ragin' Cajuns

ECU will probably win. My confusion lies in the fact that R+L Carriers has failed to make use of a tie-in with the Carrier Dome.

Maaco Bowl Las Vegas: Boise State Broncos vs. Washington Huskies

The odds are: no one will watch this game.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: SMU Mustangs vs. Fresno State Bulldogs

Southern Methodist blows out the Fresno State Bulldogs in overexcitement when finding out that Hawaii does not have the death penalty.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: WKU Hilltoppers vs. Central Michigan Chippewas

The Central Michigan team is able to get under the skin of the Hilltoppers, saying something about their cheerleaders and/or their moms being hot and ready.

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman: San Jose State Spartans vs. Bowling Green Falcons

Finally, a WAC-MAC showdown but both teams immediately lose for not being military institutions and for having to play at RFK Stadium. 

Belk Bowl: Duke Blue Devils vs. Cincinnati Bearcats

After figuring the world would end for making a bowl, Duke loses in the wake of its confusion as to making a bowl.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: Baylor Bears vs. UCLA Bruins

Somehow a for-profit education institution making money off of the poor public schools seems appropriate. UCLA devastates the Baylor Bears, embarrassing the students enough to consider online classes.

Advocare V100 Independence Bowl: Ohio Bobcats vs. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks

The only people watching this game will be those lost going home from the R+L Carriers Bowl.

Russell Athletic Bowl: Virginia Tech Hokies vs. Rutgers Scarlet Knights

Both teams forfeit after fans skip the game to go to Disney World instead.

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas: Minnesota Golden Gophers vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders

Both teams feature tongue twisting mascot names, a fact which is as irrelevant as this bowl game.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Rice Owls vs. Air Force Falcons

This matchup is much funnier if you think about the Air Force Falcons as an 80s wrestling faction and the Rice Owls as a chocolate Easter candy.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Arizona State Sun Devils vs. Navy Midshipmen

All charitable contributions go towards the Sun Devils and Midshipmen's Golden Corral funds and after the game, they are going to kick the living crap out of hunger. 

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Syracuse Orange vs. West Virginia Mountaineers

This game features Syracuse in Yankees throwback uniforms and West Virginia in Mets throwback uniforms playing a throwback 2000 World Series game so the Yankees can feel good about choking in this year's playoffs.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Texas Longhorns vs. Oregon State Beavers

History takes a back seat in this game as players are paid to say "Remember the Alamo, sponsored by Valero?" Oregon State wins by not busting out into laughter as often as Texas.

Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl: Michigan State Spartans vs. TCU Horned Frogs

This is a high scoring matchup as both teams battle for the right to go home as quickly as possible.

Day 78 - A New Idea For Replacements: Figure Skaters

Not knowing anything about the industry of figure skating, I'm basing this entire article that they really don't do much of anything for the four years between Olympics except for excruciatingly training for sixteen hours a day to classical music. Knowing all of that, figure skaters would be perfect as temporary replacements for hockey teams in some small form of scrub league. It would be perfect! Clearly, they have the grueling training schedule down, so we would just have to condition them to a terrible travel schedule, so we would mimic the trail seen by the teams in the Southeast Division. Figure skaters are known for their eloquence, demeanor, and finesse, none of which is at all useful to hockey players, so we would just have to dope them up with the leftover steroids from Major League Baseball or the Flyers-Pens playoff series this year. Figure skaters are already used to wearing terribly outlandish uniforms, so we'd drum up the uniforms the Sabres wore in 2006 for their personal use. As far as I know, figure skating doesn't pay very well and figure skaters aren't very appreciated outside of a rink, so these new found players would very quickly find themselves in the hearts of the owners. Finally, I think hearing "What Would Brian Boitano Do" or some derivation thereof would be an instant institution and bring in a new cadre of fans to the game.

Day 77 - College Football Championships

Since everyday is a slow news day for a sport that isn't being played, save for the land of Moose and Squirrel and the land of Sickle and Hammer and whatever Europe is famous for (wine and whining?), we will focus our attention to a sport which causes an entirely different kind of heartbreak, college football. Not the whole set, just, you know, the teams that people want to watch, Division 1-A (or Football Bowl Subdivision).

With a number of teams being out of the postseason for a number of reasons: getting caught paying players (Miami), not getting along well with children (UNC), getting along too well with children (Penn State), this lead to some very interesting match-ups for the conference finals. In the ACC, Georgia Tech played Florida State selling a record for the highest number of $2 seats sold in Charlotte, NC outside of an NBA game. The Big East offered up a game of Russian Roulette where whoever lost got to go to the Orange Bowl to face an SEC team. Tomorrow, we'll get to find out if that's Georgia or Florida. Alabama beat Georgia on the final play, describing victory as something that seem miles away, but really it's only five yards. The Big 10/12/10 saw Wisconsin crush the dreams, hopes, and spirits and the Cornhuskers and their next three generations. Wisconsin goes to the Rose Bowl to face Stanford, who won the Pac-12 without John Elway. Good for them.

Coming soon! The travesty that is the 100 bowl games that are to be played.

Day 76 - Federal Intervention Fails

Like most interventions by the government, this week's undertaking by Federal Mediators proved to be an abject failure. These were the same people that were able to convince NFL fans that football was a sport and that the owners should not treat their players like cattle. The mediation ended as quickly as it began and I only imagine it was due to a very low key and apathetic dialogue, akin to the peer-reviewed mediation sessions we had in our elementary school. The teacher would get some scrawny, awkward overachiever to sit down with the two bullies who were encroaching on each other's drug routes and hallways and try to convince them that they were both people and should just hug it out.

In any case, this was a complete failure and about the 99th final nail in the coffin so that the corpse of the 2012-2013 NHL season looks like an overused hunk of Swiss cheese. ESPN almost makes this bearable by limiting their hockey knowledge to that little tid bit about the girl from "The Office" who played field hockey for some Ivy League school. Thanks, ESPN, for keeping me deluded.

Day 75 - This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

In one of the most bizarre instances that has happened during this lockout, earlier this week, Red Wings prospect Riley Sheahan was arrested earlier this week for drunk driving and wearing a Teletubby costume, which ranks somewhere in between Gary Bettman's hair cut and canceling an entire season of hockey on the level of hockey oddities. This driving under the influence (and visage) of Tinky Winky offense will assuredly open up the doors of hockey players and their creepy interpretations of beloved childhood heroes, including, but not limited to:

The Sedin Twins dressing as Bananas in Pajamas when the NHL inevitably moves to Britain.

The Staal Brothers portraying the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, every time they come to visit Jared Staal in his "sub-basement" apartment.

Rick Nash holds his breath to pull off his impeccable Captain Planet impersonation.

Jarome Iginla goes a little overboard with the Molson and punches everybody as his favorite character "Dudley Do-Fight".

The All Star Teams performing a Care Bear Stare after Stan Lee tells American Greetings that the NHL will cross-over with just about anything.