Day 93 - The AHL Teams, Part 1

Manchester Monarchs - It's a shame, really, and a tad ironic. They play in the Verizon Wireless Arena and the players can only afford Straight Talk.

Portland Pirates - In researching this Maine-based city, I found its description to be pretty close to that of Friendship, Maine from "Casper". I'd like to think that Christina Ricci and Devon Sawa are seen at the games of the Cumberland County Civic Center, which sounds more like a courthouse than a hockey arena.

Providence Bruins - The per capita income of Providence is $15,525 is heavily influenced by the pay scale of the Providence Bruins players: bottlecaps, arena food leftovers, and spare change in couches.

St. John's IceCaps - They play at the Mile One Center, whose biggest claim to fame is having the most convoluted sponsorship in the history of minor league sports and the cancellation of an NBA game between the Toronto Raptors and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Let me repeat that. Their most famous game didn't happen.

Worcester Sharks - As the farm team for San Jose, they spend the whole season prepare themselves for fizzling out in the playoffs, which is good, because it gives the DCU Center time to prepare for trade shows and kindergarten graduations.

Adirondack Phantoms - Currently located in the obscure city of Glens Falls, this team will be moving to Allentown, Pennsylvania, where their new 8500 seat arena will be able to fit all the Mennonites of the region.

Albany Devils - Double whammy. First, the team has to play in Albany .Then, the players risk getting called up to Jersey.

Bridgeport Sound Tigers - Rick DiPietro has a standing invitation to play here whenever he gets injured, which is all the time.

Connecticut Whale - The fan base for this team has doubled since the latest allegations in the UConn case.

Springfield Falcons - This is the feeder team for the Columbus Blue Jackets. Down the pipeline, there are players worse than those seen on the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Day 92 - Where the Top 10 Prospects Will Go

The following is my predictions on where the top ten prospects will end up next year, if the lockout gets cancelled.

10. Rasmus Ristolainen - Tampa Bay - His commute to SeaWorld Orlando will only be 45 minutes.
9. Darnell Nurse - Winnipeg - Is looking forward to giving to the community of Winnipeg, since hockey will probably be canceled this season as well.
8. Hunter Shinkaruk - Carolina - Will join the Staal brothers on the top line at the Dick's Sporting Goods.
7. Valeri Nichushkin - Minnesota - Destiny has led him here and then to "America's Funniest Home Videos" because when a Russian accent combines with the north midwest American dialect, hilarity will surely ensue.
6. Elias Lindholm - Anaheim - Has always wanted to live somewhere warm and the Pluto costume is a good start.
5. Sean Monahan - Toronto - Trade bait. Will probably be going to TD Canada Trust.
4. Jonathan Drouin - New York - Is projected to score the most goals at Barclays Center. By goals, I mean gold stars as the top concessioneer.
3. Sasha Barkov - Montreal - May be picked up by Major League Gaming, Mortal Kombat division for his catch phrase, "Finnish him".
2. Seth Jones - Columbus - Will be a vital part of the rebuilding process for the Ohio State Buckeyes
1. Nathan McKinnon - Edmonton - That's just where number one picks go. John Wall almost went there.

Day 91 - The All-Spin Zone

Here's the list of the top ten ways that the NHL marketers are going to spin the lockout.

10. "Since the beginning of the NHL lockout, jersey sales are down." becomes "Since the beginning of the NBA and NFL lockouts, jersey sales are up!"
9. "Local economies are suffering due to dwindling bar sales." becomes "Vancouver is the safest city in the world!"
8. "The arenas look like ghost towns." becomes "Game traffic is virtually non-existent. The NHL is now the greenest league!"
7. "Fans are resorting to watching KHL games." becomes "ESPN is airing the most hockey it has in a decade!"
6. "Owners staring at empty chairs." becomes "Operating costs kept to a minimum!"
5. "The players and the owners can't be in the same room with each other." becomes "League injuries are down to an all-time low!"
4. "The Hostess factories are being shut down because of unions." becomes "Martin Brodeur will be in peak physical form when the lockout is over."
3. "The Capitals can't win the Stanley Cup." becomes "The Capitals can't lose the Stanley Cup."
2. "Players are leaving to return to their home countries to play." becomes "The lockout has led to lower American unemployment!"
1. "Canceled season" becomes "rebuilding year".

Day 90 - Fan Theory

What if the lockout isn't really a lockout? What if the lockout was just a means to get the players back home to their families before the end of the world? Think about it. Hockey players are the toughest men outside of Marines and the skills they learn on the rink are very transferable to a maritime setting. What if Gary Bettman knows that a zombie apocalypse is on the horizon and our best defense lay within the players of the NHL? Ovechkin and Malkin taking up arms with AK-47s and fermented potato juice laying waste to decomposed demons from beyond the grave? Maybe at the end of it, the world will be a better place as we would have bonded in crisis. Maybe Gary Bettman isn't a douchebag. He's just trying to save us.

Day 89 - 2012-2013 NHL Awards Ceremony

This year's awards ceremony will probably be canceled, but here are my predictions anyway.

Stanley Cup - Typically awarded to the NHL playoff champion, I think this should go to the cast and crew of "The Avengers" with Stan Lee holding it up first.

Prince of Wales Trophy - Usually reserved for the Eastern Conference winner, this should go to Alabama, the Southeastern Conference champions.

Clarence S. Campbell Bowl - Handed out to the Western Conference champions. I'm picking the LA Galaxy, just because I feel sorry for them for losing David Beckham.

Presidents' Trophy - Awarded to whoever has the most points so this award would (as of now) go to Kobe Bryant, who will most likely be the highest scoring player on a team that doesn't make the playoffs. How are you only gonna beat the Wizards by six?

Hart Memorial  Trophy - Given to the league's most valuable player. This should go to Stephen Rannazzisi. That guy is hilarious. Also, if you haven't seen "The League", it's hilarious.

Lady Byng Memorial Trophy - Awarded based on sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct, this award goes to every NHL fan for their great restraint during this lockout.

Jack Adams Award - Awarded to the coach judged to be the best in the year. This should go to Todd Richards who has not lost a game with the Blue Jacket yet.

Day 88 - How to Save the 82 Game Season

While everyone else gave up hope when the Winter Classic got canceled, I kept up my dangerous optimism which is the only the thing that has kept me sane during these horrid circumstances. My optimism is so dangerous that I still think that we can have a full 82 game season, no matter how late we start. Just hear me out. We have a couple of strategies here, all of which involve a double header. The first method is to have half-length games and just double the stats at the end and have the home team host two games that evening. This would create very exciting half paced games and would almost make up for when we didn't have hockey.

The second thing we can do is have full double or triple headers on a given day. But Jimmy, wouldn't that create problems for markets with NBA teams? As a Washington fan, I can assure you that most NBA teams aren't fully utilizing the space anyway and would not mind letting hockey players use the arena for ice rather than hardwood. This also creates a great opportunity for us to finally start combining the sports of hockey and basketball, which will further lend itself to value added markets like my Space Jam/Mighty Ducks fanfic that will finally hold merit. Michael Jordan and Emilio Estevez in the same movie? Yes!

The biggest problem with crunching so many games into such a tight schedule is travel. The third and final method would be to host the first half of the season over the course of a month in a tournamentesque format at the unused facilities at the London Olympics. It's true that none of those were hockey facilities. I think they would be easy enough to convert and I think it would give soccer fans a chance to see what a real sport looks like. Hockey is like rugby on ice. This would be great for recruiting.

This is completely doable. If not this season, then next season, when I will demand a baseball schedule of hockey games.

Day 87 - The Blizzard of Oz, An Allegary

Thanksgiving is the time of year when "The Wizard of Oz" is shown on about twenty different networks. Since I'm always about two or three weeks behind, I just watched it on my DVR, despite my mom owning a copy of it on VHS and DVD (because you can't recapture the feeling of fast forwarding those ads on a disc). There a lot of similarities between the current NHL standing and this holiday classic (most importantly, they both sync up to Pink Floyd rather nicely, especially with a dose of pumpkin pie or beer).

Let's start with the cast of characters: Dorothy, the Munchkins, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, the Wicked Witch, and the Wizard. Dorothy, wanting to escape the confines of her lower class, midwestern upbringing, clearly represents either the Columbus Blue Jackets or small-market teams as a whole. The yellow brick road represents the dusty trail (Interstate 70) and the ruby red slippers are her desire to join the New York Rangers. The Munchkins represent the rookies, the unknown future of hockey, the little Pee Wees. They have very little say in future matters, but current decision making is important to their future prospects.

The Tin Man with his hollow shell, inability to budge, and lack of heart is obviously Gary Bettman. Having no brain or the ability to solve basic problems, the Scarecrow is a really good metaphor for Gary Bettman. And the Cowardly Lion, all words, but no game, is Donald Fehr. The Wicked Witch of the West, extremely ticked at how things have been going in Oz for the past couple of years, in spite of things being awesome, represents the owners. As an aside, this makes the general management the Flying Monkeys. Finally, there is the Wizard, who is completely oblivious to the needs of his constituents in Oz. He represents Gary Bettman.

If we follow the story, a young girl journeys with her friends to find her way home and get gifts to them, only to hallucinate and murder someone in the process, we can follow the similarities and predict the end of the lockout. Dorothy and company make their pleas with the Wizard (the teams pleading and Gary fighting with himself), only to be sent away. The owners (Witch) kidnap the players and then Gary Bettman has to pretend to save them (positive negotiations). Then the players offer a truce only to throw water on the witch owners, which results in the negotiation meltdown. When everybody returns to the Wizard/Gary Bettman, he offers the players the chance to return home (playing), but accidentally leaves in the balloon (purposefully leaves in a limo, never to be seen again). The players will then click their ruby skates and return to their home countries.And then there's a meaningless sequel that no one watches (the 2013-2014 season).

It's not a perfect analogy, but eerily apropos. I'll keep you posted on how this pans out.