Day 74 - Federal Intervention

It was announced earlier in the week that federal mediation would begin to bring both sides into an agreement quickly and swiftly and expediently. In order to bring about a most fast solution, I can only assume they brought in Walker, Texas Ranger. Not Chuck Norris, but Sergeant Cordell Walker as played by Chuck Norris. My memory's a little fuzzy as to how he solved problems, but I assume it was some kind of Batman-esque code about not using guns to kill somebody and then a lot of martial arts. Maybe it wasn't so much a code inasmuch as it was his eyes did all the negotiation, like you were playing "Stare Eyes" only if you blink, you lose your life or a more prized possession. In this negotiation, that means if Gary Bettman blinks, he loses all the southern based teams to Canadian cities wanting their own squadrons. This will certainly be an amazing battle of wills and maybe Cordell Walker will let Bettman think he's winning for a little bit, just for roundhouse kicks and giggles.

Good luck getting the two sides to agree, Sergeant Cordell Walker. You have your work cut out for you.

Day 73 - How the Mascots are Faring, Part 2

If hockey mascots could shed tears, they would sent to Major League Baseball.

Sabretooth the Sabre-Toothed Tiger (Buffalo Sabres) - Currently the final obstacle at a local putt-putt course, waits for you to hit your ball and says, "No hole."

S.J. Sharkie (San Jose Sharks) - Utilizing his blood-smelling abilities, Gary Bettman is using him as a negotiation tactic.

Slapshot the Eagle (Washington Capitals) - Doesn't notice that his underachieving hockey team isn't there, is too busy watching his underachieving basketball team.

Sparky the Dragon (New York Islanders) - Just wishes the lockout would end or Arena Football was interesting.

Spartacat the Lion (Ottawa Senators) - Went viral after his meme "This is Spartacat" went public.

Stanley C. Panther (Florida Panthers) - Teaching a workshop the Alexander Semin philosophy at his "Semin-ar": Work 60% of the Time 100% of the Time.

Stinger the Yellow Jacket (Columbus Blue Jackets) - The current 12th man for Georgia Tech. Also, the 9th, 10th, and 11th.

Stormy the Ice Hog (Carolina Hurricanes) - Is pitching his "Babe Vs. Gordy" script to Hollywood.

Thunderbug the...Bug (Tampa Bay Lightning) - Is finding mild success in bolstering Oklahoma City's NBA team.

Tommyhawk the Hawk (Chicago Blackhawks) - In counseling after a viewing of "Tommyknockers" made him want to put a tommy-gun to his head.

Wildwing the Duck (Anaheim Ducks) - Is joining Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum in a new "3 Ninjas" movie.

Youppi the Grammatical Symbol (Montreal Canadiens) - Sadly could not take a hint when sent back to the Expos.

Blades the Bruin (Boston Bruins) - Spends his time in LA, got Shabazz Muhammad his eligibility for the season.

Filip the Flyer (Philadelphia Flyers) - Just a piece of paper that advertised games with a menacing face drawn on the back, now serves as goalie coach for the Norfolk Admirals.

Tommy the Green Ranger (New York Rangers) - Is now an MMA fighter.

Day 72 - How the Mascots are Faring, Part 1

Nobody has had it worse than the fans. Second in line are the mascots, who are completely lost without a clamoring congregation to conduct and toss t-shirts to. Here's are what some of them are doing in their free time.

Al the Octopus (Detroit Red Wings)- With his eight arms extended, now serves as Gary Bettman's right hand man with determining which direction to take the NHL.

Bailey the Lion (Los Angeles Kings) - Works part time as the MGM mascot. Is up for the part of Aslan in an upcoming Narnia film.

Bernie the St. Bernard (Colorado Avalanche) - Like a good St. Bernard, brings flasks of alcohol to lost fans.

Carlton the Bear (Toronto Maple Leafs) - Started an initiative to get "Noozles" back on Nickelodeon.

Fin the Whale (Vancouver Canucks) - Was picked up by SeaWorld who attached a cardboard dorsal fin on him and now touts him as the world's largest shark.

Gnash the Sabre-Toothed Tiger (Nashville Predators) - With the arena operated by a low-key staff and barely any visible fans, Gnash assumes this is business as usual.

Harvey the Hound (Calgary Flames) - Just like the Flames, has already burnt out for the season.

Howler the Coyote (Phoenix Coyotes) - The subject of a Sarah McLachlan documentary, still looking for someone to adopt him.

Iceburgh the Penguin (Pittsburgh Penguins) - Found a spot on the Steelers defense after campaigning, "I will sink quarterbacks like the Titanic."

Louie the Blue Polar Bear (St. Louis Blues) - Has been taken by the ASPCA for observation until he returns to his natural white.

Mick E. Moose (Winnipeg Jets) - Was last seen hanging out with Danny Duck and Fluke Skyrunner at Wally World.

N.J. Devil (New Jersey Devil) - Sits atop Donald Fehr's left shoulder to assist him with negotiations.

Nordy the Toxic Space Mutant Bear Fox (Minnesota Wild) - After taking a 20% pay cut, quit his job to go work at a Chuck E. Cheese's.

Coronus the Solar Flare (Dallas Stars) - Hired as a temp at a local solar cell plant.

Derek the Grease Monkey (Edmonton Oilers) - Helps Taylor Hall, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, and Nail Yakupov with their driving lessons.

Day 71 - NHL Lockout's Three Stars: Week 10

Number Three - Philadelphia Flyers
Succeeded in not fighting or killing anybody since the start of the lockout. Philly as a city has actually been doing really well. Good job, Philly!

Number Two - Donald Fehr
Is on a 71 day streak for unsuccessful negotiations, scored his first hat trick by having three counterproposals  thrown away in the same set of labor negotiations, may break Martin Brodeur's record of shots against if angry fans keep tweeting insults.

Number One - Gary Bettman
Successfully held the league to zero games from the beginning of the season to the middle of December for the first time since '04-'05. On pace for the most broken-hearted fan base since David Beckham left England.

Day 70 - For Whom the Bell Trolls...

All games through the 14th of December have been canceled. The All-Star Game in Columbus has been canceled. Firefly was canceled. That was years ago and not caused by any lockout, but like this year's NHL season, it should be airing on a consistent basis. The next move noted by some is for the NHLPA to decertify. This would dissolve the union's ability to collectively bargain, but it would allow for basically a class action law suit against the NHL owners for a mass violation of contracts, since, depending on the legal ruling, the league would basically have no anti-trust exemptions, as there would be thirty competitors in the market. What do the players stand to lose in this chaotic scenario with no salary cap, no entry draft, and all free market agency? There would be no medical benefits or pensions.

Decertification in these lockouts always seems to be a desperate move to return to the game and one that permanently alters the future for the players of these leagues. Unions seem necessary in the sports world to keep players from being treated like cattle, which doesn't stop that from happening, but players can at least operate under the illusion that they are a name and not a number when there's a Player's Association. On the other hand, Donald Fehr seems to want to relive his childhood memories of canceling baseball, probably in an effort to see if hockey can survive one more blow. Like Goro from Mortal Kombat, the NHL can survive just about anything you can throw at it, but I'd much prefer to see this season than to not see it.

So I guess my bipolar response is: don't decertify and please crunch 82 games between December 15th and June 20th. 

Day 69 - Parliamentary, my dear Pahlsson

Overwhelmed with the agony of an overdrawn and prolonged lockout, the Canadian players of the game took it upon themselves to complain to the highest authority outside of their maternal attachments, the Parliament. Honestly, the players would have been better off starting an Internet petition that said "Bring Back the Hockey" or writing a letter to Aslan begging him to bring back Canada's beloved pastime, but you can't blame the stick-wielding jocks for trying their best to get any form of intervention on this work stoppage. I doubt the Parliament even has time to address the NHL players, with their domestic policy priorities mostly laying with gender equality and creating a force of Womounties and a strong female labor force that can bring home the Canadian bacon, as much as a man. If Manon Rheaume isn't doing anything, maybe she can open the doors for the fellas, getting them to bring more female goalies to the sport in the process.

Anyway, here's what the letter read:
Dear Government Dudes:
We totally want to play hockey again and we're not going to take no for an answer or any forms of no, like "not a chance" or "negative" or "not yes" or "nuh-uh" or "maybe, with a but". And we really mean it this time. We're the only league in all of professional sports that gets games canceled like a Fox TV show. We would like for you to step in and talk to Gary Bettman and tell him to stop being a meanie. It's not fair to our fans, local businesses, our wallets, anybody. We all feel the pain of the insensitive Bettman and want you to talk or beat some sense into him with your phenomenal government powers.
Thanks so much, Government Dudes.
Signed,
Hockey

Day 68 - Thanksgiving

The players took a day off from hockey to give thanks for the incredible seasons they've been having with their teams. There was an incredible display of humility as these athletic celebrities returned home to the quaint small towns that raised them into their modern day machinations, glancing at rinks that used to seem miles wide to their wide-eyed childhood incarnations. As the players graciously passed around their weight in turkey, potatoes, cranberry sauce, green beans, and pie, they took to heart the friends and families that made them who they are today and gave thanks for the blessings to play a game for indescribable amounts of money in front of the full gamut of adoring fans that love them even in the worst of times. Traditions that at first seem trivial are revitalized in the light of sibling rivalry and good old fashioned competition. The night ends with the happiness that comes with the holidays in the warmth and comfort of the familiar and secure.

This post was brought to you by the Elitserien, the Swedish Elite League, in celebration of Thanksgiving. I assume Black Friday sales include tons of meatballs.

Day 67 - The Rhythm of Doldrums

The Players' Association met today with a proposal that was immediately shot down. The season is seriously in question as this stalemate continues. There has been very little progress made since the start of this lockout, unless you count outlandish offers and childish name progress, in which case, tons of progress has been made and hockey will start tomorrow.

I can't imagine this has been at all healthy for the Canadian entertainment economy, which has now probably been reduced to documentaries on moose hunting and reality shows that follow the exciting lives of Mounties, which is just the Canadian equivalent of a suburban cop, scouring the streets for hardened cats that ferociously hang out on neighbors' trees, much to the chagrin of grandma. Hockey was really the only thing Canada had going for it, other than the renaming and reselling of American meats in a circular format. Perhaps I should start an Egg McMuffin campaign so Gary Bettman doesn't bankrupt the poor country of Canada.

Day 66 - Stanley Bowl

Earlier today, a Toronto Maple Leafs fan spent $5300 on a toilet that came from the illustrious Maple Leaf Gardens home dressing room. After being outbid on a Stanley Cup banner, assumed to be for the Maple Leafs organization, his attention changed to this capricious commode, a divine derriere dump, truly a legend in the world of bathroom fixtures. Here's a list of the top ten things people have ever wasted money on in regards to hockey items.

10. $3200 - shower fixture from Joe Louis Arena.

9. $1000 - plunger from Madison Square Garden

8. $5400 - a toilet that came from the Maple Leafs Gardens away dressing room.

7. $5 - for ten years' worth of Columbus Blue Jackets season tickets.

6. $5 - anything related to the Columbus Blue Jackets.

5. $50 - NHL 13. Mine didn't include Ovechkin and Backstrom playing for the Dynamo Moscow

4. $1200 - yearly property insurance in Vancouver.

3. $100,000,000 - Ilya Kovalchuk's contract that puts him playing in the NHL until 2350, when by then all hockey players will have been replaced by genetically engineered alien cyborgs.

2. $1000 - the bet I made in a pool that hockey would be back by now.

1. $200 - what every Caps fan spent on Eastern Conference Champions t-shirts every year from 2009-2012.

Day 65 - All Quiet on the Weastern Front

Today, the NHL and the NHLPA met for about two hours talking about essentially nothing. This Seinfeldian approach to bargaining probably devolved into a discussion about the minutiae of the various types of bagels and cream cheeses available at coffee shops in New York. According to reliable sources on the Internet and Facebook and Twitter (friends of friends of friends whose dad totally worked on Sidney Crosby when he had that concussion thing), this week is the make or break week for the NHL meaning we either get a shortened hockey season like in the nineties or the first lockout sequel in major league sports history, which means Disney or every B-movie studio should totally buy the rights to this thing now. As usual, I will keep you posted on the dial-up speed of negotiations. Waiting for this lockout to end is like waiting for AOL to download something in 1995. 

Day 64 - NHL Lockout: The Musical!

Once the lockout is all said and done, I'm sure this horrendous experiment will be translated across all media: book, video game, movie, song, and musical. Reaching out to the core demographic of hockey fans who are into Broadway musicals, I'm writing the future review (not a preview, this writing assumes somebody watched this travesty of showstopping musical numbers and contrite plot lines loosely basing the actual storyline on anything that was remotely close resembling reality).

Bryan Adams and Barishnokov's long lost nephew star as Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin, two buddies who are shocked to find that their favorite after school activity is being brought down by the the Evil Empire of Owners ("Locked Out of Time"). Donald Fair, local legend and up and coming law star, decides to handle the case, taking on his former schoolmate, Gary Bettman ("You Can Bet on Bettman"). Henrik and Daniel Sedin are portrayed by the twin boys from "Full House", the ones that were supposed to replace Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, until they were found to be way too profitable to be replaced. Anyway, they play bumbling idiots that represent the interest of the players ("Twinteresting Tweets"). Act One closes in a chorus of all the players during "The Game is Gamed and the Players are Played", as fans break out into a riot and destroy the downtowns of their favorite major American and Canadian cities.

Act Two begins with a depressed Crosby and Ovechkin playing hockey in a small town, devoid of life and humanity, Albany, New York. This leads to their part time job as rankers for Olympic hopefuls ("Figure Raters"). Defeated and undergoing depression, the two lads find hope in the most heartfelt number in the show. The number "Revenual Renewal: Sharing is Caring" performed by Justin Bieber in his Broadway debut, representing Morgan Reilly, describes his plan to better things for the small market teams. This leads to the players marching on Toronto. Everything comes to a hilt when Gary Bettman wins the Irish lottery in an e-mail and welcomes all the players back to the major leagues ("Record Break-Even Point").

Playing at the Rockefeller Center, this musical shows that two guys can make a difference, even in a world where everything is going against them. I give it three out of five stars. The musical numbers were creative and accessible to even the most casual of hockey/musical fans. The storyline is rather engaging and the actors playing the hockey players looked real. Oh, they were played be real hockey players? Ah. Don't slip up and miss this musical! Buy season tickets as this show is contractually obligated not to get canceled.

Day 63 - Teemu Selanne May Retire

The Iron Man of hockey, Teemu Selanne, may not return to play for the NHL if this lockout cancels the entire season. Hockey's centaganarian has decided that his storied eighty year career, a career which covers every Gary Bettman lockout, a strike, and some minor inconveniences when the concession stands were short-staffed, will no longer be worth the wear and tear on his hip replacement for his hip replacement, his hand-cranked pacemaker, or his vintage dentures. In his defense, his Model T does not run as well as it used to. This is a god among men and a notable loss to the NHL if he does not return to professional hockey. He will reportedly be spending more time with his kids, volunteering, and playing for the Ottawa Senators.

Day 62 - The Two Week Break

The lockout is looking less like a discussion between men and more like the rules of engagement of your average 90s teenage drama. James Van Der Beek did not deal with as much lunacy and irrational negotiation. A two week break accomplishes nothing. Maybe the two sides should finally get together and agree to see other leagues. This pettiness grows weary on this writer.

Day 61 - Nobody Talks

It started with a whisper. This swelled into the voices of millions of screaming fans that were suddenly silenced. This roller coaster of a lockout has taken a downward turn as the players and both sides have decided that the most healthy course of action is to stop talking to each other and pretend like nothing's wrong, like a high school couple that's broken up. (The NHLPA has reportedly defriended the NHL on Facebook, but is telling the NFL, NBA, and MLB that everything's fine, they're just going through some things.)

With this stunned silence comparable to Oilers fans when their team wins a game comes the threat that this season may very well be cooked, maybe a little overdone, maybe next year try basting it with the tears of fans every half hour to keep the season moist and edible. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way and the lack of communication is more comparable to a wedding, where the groom can't see the bride. Well, owners, no peeking at the players too soon or you will doom hockey forever and even with the two-line pass  stripe splitting rinks, it's still pretty hard to cut up arenas two ways (mostly because NBA players would rather not be averse to playing three-on-three half court in Los Angeles).

The fans of pro hockey beg both sides to come to an agreement soon.

Day 60 - Traditions Suck Ice

Earlier today it was reported that a local high school hockey league in Pennsylvania would be removing the National Anthem from the sequence of game events to save time, robbing some poor tone-deaf, American Idol hopeful of some practice and providing all of sixty seconds of extra time to the refs, families, and players. Here are the top ten ways that hockey arenas are saving time during their games:

10. Convincing everyone Daylight Savings Time has ended in the middle of the second period and calling the game right there.
9. Only calling penalties when somebody bleeds.
8. Outlawing bleeding.
7. Taking a minute off the clock every time somebody misses a shot on goal. Rangers games will last five minutes.
6. Shortening intermission to five minutes, giving the t-shirt crew enough time to launch one tank top.
5. Using Columbus Blue Jackets timekeepers to keep the clocks going during face-offs, time-outs, and commercials.
4. Eliminating the puck over the glass rule and keeping play going.
3. Calling the mercy rule when teams go up 4-0, limiting the time for Flyers-Pens games and Devils-Kings games.
2. Only calling offsides or icing if the puck ends up on the other side of a different rink.
1. Calling no-goal for points that would tie the game and a double goal for points that would end the game.

Day 59 - Blades of Reel

It occurs to me that we haven't had a real hockey movie in a number of years and we haven't had a good movie based on a video game in a number of ever, so it's high time that the fume-filled idea tank that the car of Hollywood runs on finally makes a movie based on the NES classic, "Blades of Steel". My movie would be called "Blades of Steel", about a group of misguided youth, who after fencing some iPhones and Macbooks (the real money is in Apple products), they are sentenced to community service cleaning a local ice rink. They, of course, develop a fondness for the ice and are naturals at the game. Taking place in either Pittsburgh or Detroit, they come across privileged youth whose parents are going to destroy their new found home to make way for either a new subdivision, an Apple store (IRONY!) or a toxic waste factory (there's a huge market for people who love manufactured toxic waste). For some reason, this all depends on the outcome of a pick-up game of hockey and the kids are taught by some out-of-work actor, like Jeff Daniels. What's he been doing? He's hilarious. And would make a great coach. And he leads them to victory. And then there's a montage of what everyone's doing.

I need contacts in Hollywood. This is brilliant.

Day 58 - So Shines a Good Deed...

Steve Fehr has reported that a deal that ends the lockout might not be too far off, which puts one shiny glimmer of hope into this dismal and abysmal mess. From what Sidney Crosby has said, it sounds like all the players had to do was make some serious concessions, like giving up pay and concessions. This is good news as my fantasy football team is an abject failure and my football football team is an abject failure.

If passed, the NHL hopes for a 70 game season. What would that look like? Off the top of my head, I feel like each team would have six games against intradivisional opponents (twenty-four total), four games against intraconference, nonintradivisional opponents (forty games total), and six games against interconference opponents. With very little Western Conference opponents and Adam Oates' offensive minded strategy, the Washington Capitals would have their best chance of showing up for the playoffs in years.

Please be right, Steve Fehr.

http://sports.yahoo.com/news/no-progress-made-round-nhl-101226439--nhl.html

Day 57 - Happy Veteran's Day

Today, we pay tribute to the players that dedicated their lives to the game, taking it through it's ups and downs, and really should have quit years ago.

Sean O'Donnell - One of the lesser knowns of the NHL, he took an interesting approach to winning a Stanley Cup by basically touring with every team until one of them won a Stanley Cup.

Jaromir Jagr - Best known for being one of the most overpaid players for the Washington Capitals, never helping them to win a Stanley Cup, a mistake the Capitals vowed never to make again on a Czech player.

Teemu Selanne - In 2012, was the oldest player to make 20 goals, which was mostly items scratched off of his bucket list.


Martin Brodeur - Having broken most of Patrick Roy's records, still chasing his dream of scoring more goals than Ron Hextall.

Dwayne Roloson - Loves to regale kiddies with the tales of what hockey was like during the disco era.

Day 56 - An Informal Lunch

Continuing their less than noteworthy negotiations, the owners and players met up for an informal lunch on Saturday. What is an informal lunch for the upper class? Generic brand escargot that is slightly more than a day old, domestic wine from the current year, in a location that can hardly be described as five stars. Probably four and a half, tops. The side dishes were probably either lobster or steak, but not both, budget cutbacks. The owners and players probably only brought their B-list girlfriends and drove in last year's Benz.

Anyway, in what probably looked like the Upper Crust version of a high school cafeteria, with all the owners sitting at one table, the players at another, and Sean Avery serving food and washing dishes, they came to the decision to meet again, an agreement which just sounds like it started off with a decision to make a decision or something ludicrous. This is a most ultimate test of trial, tribulation, and tolerance. May the rewards of a shortened season and debilitated players be worth this financial game of chicken.

Day 55 - Molson of a...

The negative externalities from the lack of hockey have begun to dig deep into the foamy pockets of beer distributors, namely Molson who has decided to seek damages from the NHL if hockey doesn't return anytime soon. This leads me to think that every industry who has come to depend on revenue in some form from hockey should just form a class action lawsuit and sue the Gary Bettman and all of the owners, setting an awesome precedent for any time an industry gets devastated.

If Molson is able to sue the National Hockey League, then the following entities should be allowed to sue as well:

Every bar and grill or restaurant whose winter revenues come from mostly from hockey. This would give us the opportunity to see Bennigan's make a huge comeback. I miss the Turkey O'Toole.

The kids in third world countries who have come to depend on apparel from the playoff losers and really wanted the 2013 version of the San Jose Sharks Western Champions shirts.

The water companies that keep us hydrated after drinking Molson, like Deer Park and Bud Light.

The doctors and nurses who have come to depend on revenue from people who concuss each other during and after games and can never remember if they've paid their bill, so they pay it again anyway.

Every construction company in a major city. If Vancouver doesn't have hockey, where are they going to come up with the funds to rebuild their city after hockey?

I applaud Molson for having the gall and lucidity to stand up to the NHL and say no more. People need hockey and beer in their lives. Godspeed, sirs.

Day 54 - Negotiations, Evidently Day Three

Slightly beknownst to me, the players and the owners have taken it upon themselves to behave like adults and have indulged themselves in meeting at an undisclosed location in New York (in my head, it's probably Famous Ray's, so that no one can ever hope to find them) in order to come to some sort of friendly agreement (this season's canceled and Santa isn't real, sorry Taylor). While I would like to think they have spent the last three days brutally discussing every caveat of the CBA, finances, and player contracts for the next five years, some small part of me feels like they are doing something trivial and menial, like exchanging rookie cards for sale on eBay, since that may be the only source of hockey revenue we see this season.

Donald Fehr has reportedly been communicating the wrong information to the players in regards to what the owners have been negotiating (No, Mr. Crosby, they didn't say that your mom was a fat pig who should put out of her own misery, they called her swine...SWINE, Mr. Crosby). None of this will be known for sure until the hockey lockout ends or until Anoynomus hacks Donald Fehr's e-mail account, but the cynical and conspiracy theory part of me can't help but wonder if Donald Fehr is trying to get as much mileage out of "Owners Being Un-Fehr" as much as possible. All good union disagreements have been solved with uncanny puns, dating back to the MLB Player's Strike when their union leader declared "Players Demand Fehr Treatment". Wait, this is the same guy? Crap.

Day 53 - Barnstorming Tour

If the loveable Donald Fehr and Gary Bettman are unable to come to an agreement soon and the second full season of hockey in seven years is lost, there have been talks of a Barnstorming Tour of the All-Stars. Based on my recollection of many night scouring Wikipedia for random articles and trivia, my understanding was that this was used by sports leagues in their early days in order to start building a brand, pretty smart given that the only social media at the time included newspaper ads, singing telegrams, and people shouting on telephone poles. (And I would love to see those guys with a 140 character limit or people taking out newspaper ads to announce they had a baby).

The default barnstorming tour article makes this all the more epic. Proper barnstorming is the use of biplanes to put on an air show. I would love nothing more than to see Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby in a dog fight in southern California, with those old style aviation goggles taking up all the space on their head. And it would finally make the name the Philadelphia Flyers make so much sense. I don't really know the history of their name, but man, if the barnstorming tour does take place in this capacity (rather than the logical visiting of  major league rinks), what a marketing campaign. Oh and the puns, so many puns. Imagine Aaron Asham getting called for high sticking. I must develop this further and get it over the headquarters of the players immediately.

Day 52 - Election Day

One of the bigger downsides to hockey is that with no games to be played, I am paying a lot more attention to politics than I should be. The bigger travesty is that neither candidate is running on the false promise of returning hockey to the arenas of major cities in America and Canada. I grew up in the belief of the American political system, that every candidate should promise way more than can possibly hope to achieve in at most eight years in the Oval Office and deliver a small warped percentage of the things they said they would. In this instance, Romney and Obama could have stated that the NHL will be back with an 82 game schedule, the Winter Classic will be a five team round robin featuring the Caps, Pens, Canes, Flyers, and Devils, and all waffle cones will be free on one's birthday. The clear follow-through from this could have been: a 66 game schedule, a Winter Classic, and waffle cones will still be available. 

I am disappointed in this year's candidates who did not feel the need to appeal to the lost and broken hockey fan. You should have been skating on the ice, kissing little baby goalies, and swaying us with astrology-esque rhetoric that stated that hockey will return under my tutelage. I guarantee it. It just occurred to me that you could have marketed this as another "Cold War", joining forces with the History Channel to sell more documentaries. Shame on you, politicians. I will now be getting my false hope from James Bond and World of Warcraft. Thank you.

Day 51 - P for Pancetta

The players are poised to perpetuate their perplexing position, purposefully putting their proprietors in a painful post pursuant to their pecuniary predilection over plaintive palimpsests. Perhaps if these parsimonious padrones could ponder their point and place, the present pace of this padlocked pastime could proceed to a primary pinnacle placating practitioners of polar pleasure posthaste. Plus, people could palaver over palative pitch and publication promoting palmary principal probity. Purge the palisades and patronize the palingenesis of your once popular pallid pugnations. Procure a panacea of epic proportions.

Day 50 - The Washington Wizards are in Full Swing

There was a time when people feared the Washington Wizards. That 23 year period from 1974-1997 when they were called the bullets. At least that's what they told as kids when they wanted to change the name to the Wizards. The only real excitement from a Wizards game was knowing that waiting beneath the court, there was a hockey rink wanting so desperately to be played on. I like to think that basketball courts are there to massage the ice for hockey rinks, since I've personified everything since "Toy Story" came out.
As is to be expected from the Wizards, they have opened the season to two underwhelming losses. One came against a Lebronless Cavaliers squad and the other came against an aged Celtics team, guys who probably remember playing with actual baskets attached to walls. There was a time when I thought the Wizards would be worth my five second attention span (long enough for me to call that foul). During the time of Gilbert Arenas, I can actually admit to watching pro basketball. The only other time was when John Wall was going to lead us into the next generation of Wizards winning streaks, only to break down when he realized he was playing in DC.
I've turned my efforts into trying to turn the Wizards into a hockey affiliate called the Washington Blizzards. They would comarket with any and all local Dairy Queens.Gary Bettman is all on board with me turning a basketball market into a hockey one.
Keep up the good work, Wizards. You are at least providing us with something no other team can. Consistency.

Day 49 - High School Hockey is in Full Swing

I subscribe to my first high school's weekly e-mail, just because I like to be somewhat associated with success and they didn't disappoint. Their hockey team, in a school with no rink and really no ice, save for the occasional "Storm of the Century", beat a rival, 6-4. It occurred to me that at that level, there really is no pettiness or squabbling, save for the normal pettiness and squabbling that is to be expected out of high schoolers, but nothing at the caliber as seen by their professional counterparts. It occurred to me that one of the fundamental high school sports can exist is because of the undying power, the control that is bestowed upon the unspoken leaders of the sports world...the sports mom.
At first glance, the sports mom is in charge of just snacks. This is a common mistake (and punishable by murder) The sports mom is in charge of everything. She ensures that everyone is safe at all times and that wounds are treated with a good blend of medicine, ointment, and spit. She ensures that everyone plays a fair and regulated game by unrelentingly getting into the faces of refs. She ensures that bad calls are known by shrieking her shrill voice across the land until her wraith call is rewarded with the correct ruling on the field. She is willing to go the extra distance to see her little boy happy.
What we need is all the Canadian moms grilling up Canadian bacon and getting ready to say "aboot" a lot. We need the Swedish moms to be prepared with their finest meatballs and fingers ready to snap the neck of a ref like a peace of Ikea furniture. We need the Russian moms to prepare their magical water that is totally not vodka and prepare themselves to kick some baboushka. They will diplomatically show the owners' moms the errors of their ways and when that doesn't work, rip the players' contracts out of their hands and beat the owners' moms with them, as all true sports justice should unfold.
Moms of the sporting world, we salute you. And we thank you in advance for salvaging our hockey season. We also really want orange slices and Capri Sun.

Day 48 - The Winter Classic...Fried

Reverberating across the magical land of hockey world (Narnia, without the annoying chattering beavers), was the death knell of the beloved game as the piercing words that shot from Gary Bettman's lips announced the cancellation of the Winter Classic. With those verbal bullets, he not only canceled the NHL's most exciting event outside of the Stanley Cup, he basically took away from us the beleaguered 2012-2013 season. With his apathetic attitude toward the players and fans, he gave up his one last piece of leverage and negotiation tactic. The Winter Classic would have been a perfect starting point, a clean slate between the owners and players, taking place on New Year's, the renewed CBA and year representing the symbolic refreshment of the novel calendar and hockey's new direction. This season is now nothing more than a sports metaphor the sinking of the Titanic (where clearly Filip Forsberg in DiCaprio and Scott Gomez is that little foreign dude).
The WC was to take place at the Big House, which houses somewhere between 100,000 and 10 million people, making it one of the biggest arenas where an NHL game took place. The Toronto Maple Leafs and Detroit Red Wings would have assuredly sold every seat available. Hell, they could have sold every seat in Ann Arbor to those fanbases just to see the Toldeo Walleye take on the Reading Royals. I would pay money just to see the players from the Reading Royals sing a karaoke version of Reading Rainbow. This event would have made a ton of money. It would have made the 1997 World Series look like the 2012 World Series.
In its stead, we are treated to the false hope that there may be superstar hockey in America next year. Gone as well is this year's treatment of 24/7, which has given us a behind-the-scenes look into what these weaponized men do in their spare time. In 2010, during the Caps-Pens iteration, we saw that most Caps players are like Caps fans. They drink and cuss and complain about how terrible the Caps are doing. And we are being denied the Canadian version of that.
Gary Bettman, you are a disappointment as a league commissioner. And I play fantasy football with a cheating scoundrel.

Day 47 - A Murder of Escrows

Next Wednesday, the locked out players will receive their escrow checks. An escrow is a fairly basic contract between two parties and in the context of the NHL meant the owners withheld a portion of a player's check (in this case 7.98% of last year's salary). The holdings were to be dispersed in the highly likely event of a lockout. In layman's terms, the league's bottom-feeders made around the American median salary in one paycheck (approximately $50,000) and the superstars raked in barely under $1 million dollars. With most players off in foreign lands or minor American cities anyway, this is rather trite. I'm not cynical. This is money they were due, but I would much rather see these guys fighting on the ice, rather than across a negotiation table.

In other news, Disney acquired LucasArts in a move that can only make our hockey movies better. The Mighty Ducks trilogy will finally have a prequel and a sequel trilogy, closing off any open plot holes (and finally featuring Emilio Estevez donning the black suit and mask as an asthmatic goalie). We'll get to follow the team as they go through college and learn to cope with having Ewoks on the team. They will also be remaking "Miracle", keeping it closer to historical accuracy as Obi-Wan Kenobi scores the game-winning goal with a Force push. In non-hockey related Disney sports movies, Lando Calrissian will lead a team of Titans to a national championship against an all-white Galactic Empire. The possibilities are rather endless. Congratulations, Rob Iger!