Day 46 - Hockey's Most Popular Halloween Costumes

Fans - Most fans are dressing as the Grim Reaper or Gary Bettman, representing the death of the 2012-2013 season.

Alexander Ovechkin - Is dressing up like a resident of Russia. Is going so far as to purchase a house, car, and cell phone with a Russian phone number

Managers - Collectively decided to skip Halloween, but plan on stirring up fan emotions in a witches brew.

Gary Bettman - Is going as a likeable villain, but can't decide between "Cold Heart" or "No Heart". Also finding creative ways to use his new catchphrase, "I Don't Care Bears".

Coaches - Are going as scouts. Oh, those aren't costumes, those are assignments.

Toronto and Detroit fans - Followers these two teams are dressing up as Egg Nog, so they can go as a Winter Classic.

Sidney Crosby - Once again going as Iron Man, not because he thinks he's a kid, but because he still thinks it's 2010.

Refs - Are going as Pop Warner refs. They have held this ruse since 1977.

Owners - The owners are dressing up in ball caps of their favorite teams, jerseys of their favorite players, and ripped jeans, with ticket stubs in their pants pockets. They are going as people who support hockey.

Day 45 - You Have Forced Me to Write Emo Poetry

I don't think
An empty rink
Makes much in profit
So please just ink

A new fair deal
And make fans squeal
When the players return
To praise and seal

It would be nice
To see on ice
The players in jerseys
Just pay their price

Please understand
Their high demands
They risk nothing
But their heads, teeth, and hands

These upturn seats
Could be replete
Even if this season
Can't be complete

I urge you
To purge you
Of this blood
So I don't have to dirge you.

Bring back this sport
of the gods I exhort
Give in to the fans
And their loyal support

Before we turn
Away and burn
Convincingly entice
My respect you must earn

I don't want to say I'll make'em
But here's my ultimatum
Give us back our hockey
Or we'll have to forsake'em

Day 44 - Urge to Kill...Rising

I think I now know the blood lust that every player on the Philadelphia Flyers must feel on the off-season. This is more than withdrawal. I have built up a tolerance NHL '12 and Stanley Cup Finals replays. I need more to keep me sustained. Everything I look at now seems to be an instrument for hockey. I saw some brooms in a closet and wanted to start my own league based on that concept. I even have a slogan. Every series is a sweep. I'm thinking of recruiting local athletes, maybe some of the leftovers from the championship Quidditch team if they didn't go and graduate.

Does anybody know anything about sports marketing?

Day 43 - Fantasy Football Island

A trilogy of terror concluded today as my fantasy team totally flamed out. For those of you unfamiliar with this tradition, fantasy sports has been best described as "Dungeons and Dragons for Jocks" and I have 4d6 + Crap when it comes to choosing my teams. Apparently, I need to get wedgied by both jocks and nerdy jocks. The anchor of my football team was RGIII, my wizard, who fell horribly the Goblins as represented by the oddly striped Pittsburgh Steelers a weekend of just terrible uniforms.

My season is all about done as far as fantasy is concerned and I have no hockey to balance this out. I need to beg and plead with Gary Bettman to bring back hockey so I don't have to resort to shoddy comparisons between obscure nerd games and football teams that wouldn't even exist in Madden '13.

Day 42 - The Meaning of Strife, the Universe, and Everything

I was looking forward to today to get me over the general malaise that had overcome me from Gary Bettman  ringing the executioner's death knell on this year's hockey season. On this day, I turned to both my alma mater, the NC State Wolfpack and my new found, girlfriend-led loyalty to Gainesville's Florida Gators. Hopes were pretty high for NC State, having been only two weeks removed from their win over #3 (and Gators rivals) Florida State and their amazing victory over the unamazing Maryland Terrapins after a huge defensive stop by the player of the game, the left goal post.

The game started basically as expected with NC State delivering an underwhelming performance against the Tar Heels of UNC, allowing 15 points in the span of 102 seconds. NC State refused to give up and they put themselves on top 28-25 to end the half. After one more TD in the 3rd quarter, it looked like the Pack was putting the game out of reach. However, I've lived in and watched Maryland and North Carolina area sports. I know all too well that a win is never guaranteed, not even in the final 60 seconds (the Miracle Minute still echoes in the recesses of my College Park memories). Carolina scored ten unanswered points, tying it up at 35 all with 2:09 to go. For most teams, this would mean overtime. For State, this was the grand opportunity to disappoint fans in the worst way possible. After Carolina fed of the surge of the tie, the Pack punted to Giovani Bernard, half Barry Sanders, half Devin Hester, and half cheetah (using UNC math). He returned the punt for a touchdown, after which the Tar Heels sea salted the wound with a two point conversion. It was time to turn my attention to my lady's Gators.

The Gators game picked up where the Wolfpack game left off. Dropped passes, missed tackles, a higher turnover rate than a McDonald's. The over-under for this game was 46, meaning analysts were predicting a pretty high scoring game, not West Virginia-Baylor levels, but still a fairly well-lit scoreboard. After the first half, the score was 7-6 in favor of the Georgia Bulldogs, a match that was lovingly described as a sixty minute game of bloopers by my lady Gator's mom. The field goal strategy implemented by Florida seemed to be paying off dividends, but ultimately, the 90th/91st, I mean the 90th meeting between the two schools was put away by Aaron Murray on a 45-yard touchdown after the refs ruled the Gators had only five yards to convert on a crucial play.

This weekend can only look up.

Day 41 - Is the season half-full or half-empty?

Gary Bettman has officially announced the cancellation of hockey through November, delivering the coup-de-grace on the full season and the incipient nail in the coffin for the entirety of the 2012-2013 season. The way this leg of the negotiations reminded me of that part in "Angels in the Outfield" where Joseph Gordon-Levitt beckons his father on when they would be a family again. Basically, Christopher Lloyd needs to team up with Donald Fehr in order for us to see any semblance of the world renowned ice sport.

Friday felt a lot like a divorce hearing. The players and the owners reminds me of "mommy and daddy fighting again". I'm half-expecting to hear Gary Bettman say, "now you kids can see hockey every other weekend and Wednesdays. And your new Uncle Colin will pick you up!" Divorce usually meant a lot less visual yelling but you were usually guaranteed twice the presents, so what I'm hoping will come from this is that we get a hockey that continues through August. And when the monthly fan support checks come in, I hope they count it as a hockey related cost.

PS: The answer is half-full. Hockey fans don't get depressed.

Day 40 - Forty Days and Forty Nights

We have now reached a Biblical milestone in this standoff between owners and players as the fans and the staff members become the collateral damage in this fool's errand that can only end in a temporary Pyrrhic victory for whoever comes out on top. For forty days and forty nights, there has been nothing but a downpour of negativity, a culture of hopelessness that seems to say move on, but like a clingy ex, I just can't seem to let go. I refuse to believe there are greener pastures out there and just want to see things like they were in the good old days, with my hockey video game covers dominated by Gretzky or Lemieux, with hockey games aired on ESPN for no reason or any reason, and with the Caps losing playoff serieses (sp?) in Landover.

On board this ark of despair, there are two of each kind of fan. There's the realistic fan, who has assumed defeat and has relegated themselves to a spiritual sequel of 2004-2005. They have adequately prepared themselves by storing up several hours of hockey classics on their DVR or they simply block away and repress any memories that hockey ever existed in the first place, calling it some sort of Canadian soccer when friends bring up the lockout in casual conversation. There's the bandwagon fan, which can come in two flavors. There's the typical bandwagon fan who cheers for their team when they are doing well. And then there's the bandwagon fan who is glad that there is no hockey to interrupt you during book club reading time. This is typically called a girlfriend and if you're dating someone who can't deal with the fact that you know Rod Brindamour's anniversary better than your own, then you should probably move on. Finally, there is the hardcore fan, who refuses to give up. It's like the rookie highlight of Ovechkin scoring that goal on Phoenix. These people are down, but they are not out. They will fight for this lost cause. They proudly adorn themselves with the jersey on what should have been game day. They annoy their friends with their delusion, but are almost pathetically loveable in their immense and undying obsession.

Tomorrow, the players' self-imposed deadline ends, with no talks between the owners and athletes. The outlook is gloomy and grim, but still I desperately cling to the thread of hope that the twig-wielders will return to the ice, with a full season, ready and willing to give it their all. I also feel that this is the Caps' year to win the Cup. I reject your reality and substitute my own!

Day 39 - Brooklynsanity - Hockey Moves to Bucktown

Continuing the traditions of picking up the leftovers of Jersey and the surrounding areas of the New York metropolitan area, Brooklyn will be hosting the New York Islanders in a new arena entitled the Barclays Center in 2015 and home to the Brooklyn Nets. This arenaplex will most likely feature all the modern amenities that have become really standard in contemporary competition centers including an LED Jumbotron, state-of-the-art training facilities, and fans. Until 2015, the New York Islanders will continue their lockout stint outside of the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum (which gives them a full two seasons before the next work stoppage!).

Built from 1969 to 1972, mostly on broken disco records and broken dreams, the Nassau Veterans Memorial Coliseum played host to the New York Islanders for four really good years and 36 rather painstaking years (or what the Cubs call "good times"). This dilapidated, decrepit, and dismal dump is about as exciting as visiting my grandma, except my grandma has WIFI, no roaches, and since she's really good at crosswords, has been known to win a few times in her home. Kyle Okposo has gone on record as saying he will miss his home arena, but for some reason he kept mispronouncing the Nassau Coliseum as the Mariucci Arena.

The owners have gone on record as stating the name and logo will remain unchanged. Personally, I would like to see the name changed to the Bucktown Cashmoneymakers, with the mascot being "DollaBillzYall", who hands out front-loaded t-shirts to fans at the game. Season tickets are already on sale for a $200 deposit. Please note this is money spent that gives you the right to spend more money (like a really cheap version of college). In mirroring the tradition of Jay-Z and the Nets, I would like to see Eminem take part ownership in the New York Islanders, if only to see John Tavares spout "Without Me" to his teammates and fans every home game.

Look for the Islanders to start playing in Brooklyn in three years. Also, look for any hockey team to play in three years.

Day 38 - A History of Work Stoppages

1968 NFL Strike: July 3, 1968 - July 14, 1968
Your grandparents probably remember this fondly. These were the eleven days they weren't on LSD.



1970 NFL Strike: July, 1970 - July, 1970
Ended with the creation of a bigger union with stronger communication, the owners give players enough money to install tin cans with wire attached to every locker room.


1972 MLB Strike: April 1, 1972 - April 13, 1972
The first work stoppage in MLB history began as a harmless April Fool's prank and led to a bigger pension fund.

1973 MLB Lockout: February 8, 1973 - February 25, 1973
Overshadowed by the addition of the designated hitter rule, which most players assumed meant Pete Rose was on your team.

1974 NFL Strike: July 1, 1974 - August 10, 1974
Started by players not playing for the Pittsburgh Steelers who were extremely afraid of playing the Pittsburgh Steelers.

1980 MLB Strike: April 1, 1980 - April 8, 1980
At first glance a fight over free agent compensation, but really was just players tired of spring training.

1981 MLB Strike: June 12, 1981 - July 31, 1981
A fight over free agency and the owners' thoughts on player retention, this was mostly so players' could get to say the phrase "One, Two, Three Strikes, You're Out".

1982 NFL Strike: September 21, 1982 - November 16, 1982
Best remembered for an extremely shortened schedule and a 16-team playoff, which led to interesting results, like the Cleveland Browns making the playoffs. The BCS would later adopt the "everybody goes to the postseason somehow" format.

1985 MLB Strike: August 6, 1985 - August 7, 1985
The league minimum salary increases from $40,000 to $60,000, which in today's dollars is more money than I will ever make in a year, why do these guys complain so much?

1987 NFL Strike: September, 1987 - October 15, 1987
Replacement players are brought in from outside sources. A trickle-down effect occurs so colleges have to recruit more players from other sports and the more masculine looking cheerleaders.

1994-1995 MLB Strike: August 12, 1994 - April 2, 1995
Fans flocked to show their support for baseball players as the strike reminded them that baseball still existed.

1995 NBA Lockout: July 1, 1995 - September 12, 1995
Mostly a ploy by Seattle Supersonics head coach George Karl to see if they could trick Jordan into staying in retirement.

1996 NBA Lockout: July 10, 1996
Lasted for a couple of hours. You probably didn't notice it because you were too busy watching "Space Jam".

2011 NFL Lockout: March 11, 2011 - July 25, 2011
Known as the "Summer Without Football". So...just like every other summer.

2011 NBA Lockout: July 1, 2011 - December 8, 2011
Players went to China to play and then Jeremy Lin got famous in the NBA. I just find that hilarious.

2012 NHL Lockout: September 15, 2012 - ???
Owners lock the players out of the only game in town, so players move to other towns. And get paid more.

Day 37 - The Hockey Gods

Each professional sport has their own set of grand operating deities to which fans of the sport can pray when their team needs that extra surge of energy at the end of the game or when clingy, desperate hopes reach a new high that beer and pizza just can't fill.

Anteludes - the god of the preseason - This is the god responsible for delivering false hope to fans of the Columbus Blue Jackets and Edmonton Oilers. Mostly small market owners praise this deity.

Ludeglacio - the god of regular season games - This is the higher power one should subscribe to if they only care about making the playoffs or if you want the game to go into overtime. This god worked overtime as many Panthers converts found out about him.

Historiglacius - the god of hockey history - This god is to be prayed to when you want to permanently engrain a game into your head, like the 1980 Miracle game or permanently delete a game from your head, like the 2010 Caps-Habs series, which totally didn't happen.

Testaludo - the god of Stanley Cup playoffs games - The guy in charge of who wins the Stanley Cup. He has been known to play favorites. He has been known to not play Vancouver or San Jose. 

Exblocus - the god of tragedy - This god's inbox is currently inundated with the sad, whaling cries of hockey fanatics across America and Canada.

Visludicus - the god of NHL '13 -  The god that somehow saw it fit for me to still have Eric Fehr on my team, even though he hasn't played in DC since he was teammates with Steckel.

Phantasius - the god of fantasy hockey - He mostly just manages the cognitive dissonance you feel for putting Evgeni Malkin, Alex Ovechkin, and Ilya Kovalchuk on the same team.

Ceres - the god of the minor league - The divine authority who makes sure your farm team players are good enough for professional games, but no more than ten, so they don't make the league minimum. Another popular one for owners.

Comercies - the god of trades - the higher power that oversaw the Staal move to Carolina and the Nash move to New York, because there's really no other way to explain it.

Day 36 - Til Refs Do Us Part

In honor of some of my closest friends getting married, I thought I would take this opportunity to share with all of you some of the most historic moments of love shared on the ice. Here is a brief rundown of the history of hockey marriages.

July 24, 1899 - Paul Armstrong weds Bella Abell
One of the last NHL weddings to take place on a pond, this marriage would predate written hockey history by at least 105 years.

April 23, 1960 - Phyllis Hockin marries Walter Gretzky
Rarely mentioned in the press and in his autobiography, Walter fails in his promise to give his wife the greatest soccer star of all time.

June 22, 1996 - Valeri Bure ceremoniously conjoins Candace Cameron
No longer having to live in the large shadow of his brother Pavel Bure, now enjoys playing second fiddle to his wife, DJ, at various Full House reunions. Finds it cute that the Olsen twins just stand at the end of the hall saying, "Come play with us. Forever and ever."

July 19, 1996 - Teemu Selanne becomes bethrothed to Sirpa Vuorinen
Fresh off of his sixth rookie year, Teemu Selanne looks to settle down, get married, and give up hockey in the next forty to fifty years.

Summer, 1998 - Byron Dafoe marries his wife
At the reception, Olaf Kolzig makes an off-color remark that leads to all guests breaking out and fighting one another. Olie makes a promise to never partake in an incident like this again.

July 19, 2002 - Saku Koivu marries Hanna Norio
His wedding featured groomsmen Teemu Selanne and Jere Lehtinen in a ceremony that doubled as both a wedding procession and a World Hockey Championship. His wife has more rings than he does.

July 10, 2004 - Patrick Marleau marries Christina Alvernaz
Marleau leads the Sharks in goals, even strength goals, power play goals, points, and shots. Marleau's wife ties the Sharks wives in husbands who have Stanley Cups.

February 19, 2010 - Mike Comrie marries Hilary Duff
The pair was introduced when Sidney Crosby set up Mike Comrie on a blind date with the girl from "Even Stevens".

Day 35 - Ode to the Girlfriends of Hockey Fans

*Note: If you want to steal this to seem romantic when hockey starts back up, change the person from 2nd to 1st"

In spite of our intense obsession
The puck drops down and you've lost our attention
To the players spinning and turning all kinds of directions
The phrase "You gonna sit wit me?" being our only affection

It's primal instincts
To watch these frost giants engage in their war
Demolishing one another for a rubber biscuit
Until they pass the gatekeeper with it and put up a score

It's three periods of boisterousness
with our ambiguous yell
"Did you score or give one up"
That's a dealbreaker if you can't even tell

You're a vital part of our viewing experience
Offering moral support
With cheers, whoops, laughs
To our semi-funny retorts

Like when Steve Stamkos slips and falls on the ice
Or when we pick up Braden Holtby for a killer price
Or when Hartnell flips out which seems to be his vice
Or when Semin scores in the playoffs, I think that happened twice

We beg you be patient and please don't breakaway
Keep your poise, don't start a fight
The players have a our focus until the end of the game
But you've got us to yourselves for the rest of the night (post highlights)

Please know that in the end
it's you that we love more
if you faced the Oilers in shootout
You'd win even if you didn't score

So together let's explore
Glory, guts and gore
On hockey's dance floor
It's you we adore

Day 34 - Top Ten: How to Haze Rookies During a Lockout

Given the current state of hockey, it's hard to break the newbies in to their newfound professional environs. Here are some of the creative ways team have found to give the new pros a rite of passage.

10. Taking care of Karl Alzner's dogs in their personal homes even though he's sitting right there, playing NHL '13.
9. Forcing the rookies to walk the equipment of KHL players to and from Russia.
8. Making the newbs memorize the 75,000 page playbook and the 75,000 page financials.
7. Helping every motorist on I-95 and apologizing for the Caps not advancing in the playoffs but at least this time it's totally not their fault.
6. Hosing down the dozens of protesters in Toronto.
5. Tying up rookies to office chairs at lockout meetings and then having them race.
4. Adorning the fresh faces with Sean Avery's fashion line for use during negotiations.
3. Having the rookies circle around Teemu Selanne and hear about the lockouts in the good old days, when if you wanted to tweet about the situation, your agent had to have a press release, uphill both ways.
2. Handing over three "legitimate" counteroffers and having Nail Yakupov deliver them to the owners. Hilarity will ensue for everyone not named Nail Yakupov.
1. Giving the rookies Gary Bettman's haircut.

Day 33 - Gary Bettman used Flash!

Like a high school guidance counselor explaining the real world to the public school kid who has no real potential to the real world, all of hockey's fans' dreams were crushed like an ant by a quarrelsome boot today when the NHLPA offered three different counterproposals which were quickly dismissed like a nerd offering up date suggestions to the high school beauty queen (we can either see "The Avengers", play Starcraft 2, or look at the stars...through a telescope). Also, I'll stop the high school analogies.

The NHLPA offered three options. The first offered a 50/50 split in revenues by year three, with a quicker upturn if growth were to keep growing exponentially (eventually, the players hope to be able to divide eleventy billion dollars). The second would be a 50/50 split by the fifth year, which would save the league $854 million dollars according to the players (they also stated the owners could save that much by taking some tips from "Extreme Couponers"). The third option would be an immediate 50/50 split, provided all existing contractual obligations are paid in full, resulting in a 13% post lockout salary cut, but an immediate salary gain of infinity percent.

Gary Bettman reportedly stated he was "thoroughly disappointed" with the counteroffers, commenting that he and the players were "not speaking the same language". To be fair, the counteroffer was written in a combination of English, French, Russian, Swedish, Esperanto, Klingon, and the Sedin's secret twinspeak. None of this bodes well at all for well for fans of hockey, the collateral damage in this fray. I half expect the next offer by the owners will be salaries paid in Groupons, with player families getting slightly discounted tickets to games, and players getting all the waffle cones they can eat (up to three per player per season)!

My hopes were burned to the ground by the pyromaniac Boy Scout that is Gary Bettman.

Day 32 - Three Steps Forward, Four Steps Back

Donald Fehr has questioned the owners' offer with the skepticism of an Ivy League undergrad, ripping apart and overanalyzing every part of the conditions of yesterday's proposal. He cited that this most recent proposal would cost his crew $1.6 billion dollars over six years (in Mark Zuckerberg terms, $100 and a monocle, depending on FB stock value), a number which I assume was pulled out of The Amazing Mumford's hat and made mostly of thin air and fairy dust.

Or his figures are extremely accurate and I'm responding in a mostly bitter rebuttal because I saw in the faint distance the twinkling light of jumbotron LEDs reflected in arena ice. This has now has been tortuously replaced by the ominous and shadowy darkness, like a power outage during the zombie apocalypse or the appearance of No Heart, Gary Bettman's Care Bear likeness.

I know that Donald Fehr wants to do what's best for the players in the short term and maybe extending their golf lessons will accomplish that feat. But this is the same guy who was willing to give up a Fall Classic in 1994, who's to say he won't give up a Winter Classic to do the same. On a side note, I will say that it felt great to start that last sentence with the word "but". I hope Donald Fehr knows what he's doing, because I'm tired of yelling at my incompetent computerized Caps players missing passes and spinning in circles. I want to see them do that in real life.

Good luck, Donald Fehr.

Day 31 - A Light at the End of the Arena Tunnel

The Players' Association and the big wigs of the NHL met today in Toronto in order begin negotiations in an attempt to recoup some $250 million dollars lost (which makes the NHL lockout 25 times more costly than the damage of the 1904 Great Toronto Fire). Unlike a city fire, which can quickly be doused, earlier negotiations have been a little more stubborn, with each side upholding the most stringent tenacity and obstinacy typically reserved for reality show prima donnas and drama queens and Daniel Alfredsson. Today's negotiations went far better than previous outings with the owners offering the players something that hasn't been seen in this lockout so far...reason.

Here is the offer the owners have extended to the players:
Long-term contracts will be capped at five years. No more signing players until they qualify for Medicare.
Revenue sharing would be at or near 200 million dollars, so small market teams like the Columbus Blue Jackets, the St. Louis Blue, and the Oakland Athletics wouldn't have to suffer nearly as much.
Free agency would begin when a player turns 28 years old and has put in eight years of NHL service. It doesn't say anything about the quality of NHL service, so players of the Minnesota Wild have nothing to fear.
For those players sent down to the AHL, their salary would go against the NHL parent team's cap. This should really only affect Capitals' backup goalies.

This is a huge step in the right direction and if the oracles of Twitter are correct (and if you can't trust the Internet, who can you trust?), this could lead to a full hockey season starting near the start of November. Stay tuned for the Players' Association response, which will be one of three things: a "yes", a "yes, with a but", or a "I respectfully decline your offer and cordially invite you to propagate our species on an autonomously individual basis."

Day 30 - Alex Ovechkin and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Lockout

I went to sleep with blood in mouth and now there’s blood in hair and when I got out of bed this morning I tripped on Mike Green's Vespa and by mistake I dropped my jersey in sink while the water run and I could tell it was going to be terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lockout.

At breakfast John Carlson found a Chevy Cobra car in his twenty-car car garage and Nick Backstrom found a Rolls Royce in his twenty-car car garage but in my twenty-car car garage all I found was twenty-cars.

I think I’ll move to Albania.

In the bus coach let Jason Chimera have a seat by window. Jeff Schultz and Tom Poti got seats by window too. I say I am scrunched. I say I am smushed. I say, If I don’t get seat by window I stay in Russia. No one even answered.

I could tell it was going to be terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lockout.

At practice Adam Oates liked Jay Beagle’s picture of sailboat better than my picture of invisible Stanley Cup.

At singing time he say I sing too loud. At counting time he say I leave out twenty-eight. Who needs twenty-eight?

I could tell it was going to be terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lockout.

I could tell because Brooks Laich say I not his best friend anymore. He say that Mathieu Perreault was his best friend and that Mike Ribeiro was next best friend and that I was only third best friend.

I hope you sit on a two-way contract, I say to Brooks Laich. I hope the next time you get a bacon double cheeseburger the burger part falls off the bacon part and lands in Albania.

There were two cupcakes in Braden Holtby’s lunch bag and Michal Neuvirth got a Hershey bar with almonds and Dmitry Orlov’s mother gave him a piece of jelly roll that had little coconut sprinkles on the top. Guess whose mother forgot to put in dessert?

It was terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lockout.

That’s what it was, because after practice coach took us all to dentist and Dr. Crentist found cavities just in me. I have four teeth. All of them, cavities. Come back next week and I’ll fix it, say Dr. Crentist.

Next week, I say, I go to Albania.

On the way downstairs elevator door closed on my foot and while we were waiting for my agent to go get the car John Carlson made me fall on the ice where it was concrete and then when I started crying because of the concrete Nick Backstrom said I was a crybaby Jeff Carter and

While I was punching Nick Backstrom for saying crybaby my agent came back with the car and scolded me for being a crybaby Jeff Carter and being third man in for fighting.

I am having terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lockout, I told everybody. No one even answered.

So then we went to skate store to buy some skates. John Carlson chose red and white ones with blue stripes. Nick Backstrom chose red and blue ones with white stripes. I chose blue and white ones with red stripes but then the show man said, We’re all sold out. They made me buy blue, black, and gold ones, but they can’t make me wear them.

When we picked up my George McPhee at his office he said I couldn’t play with his copying machine, but I forgot. He also said to watch out for the playbooks on his desk, and I was as careful as could be except for my elbow and shoulder and torso and stick and skates. He also said don’t fool around with his blackberry, but I think I called Albania and traded Joey Crabb for cheap textiles. George McPhee said please don’t pick him up anymore.

It was terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lockout.

There was escargot for dinner and I hate escargot.

There was kissing on jumbotron and I hate getting caught kissing.

My bath was too hot, I got soap in my eyes, my KGB decoder ring went down the drain, and I had to wear my Kwame Brown signed Washington Wizard pajamas. I hate my Kwame Brown signed Washington Wizard pajamas.

When I went back to bed Nick Backstrom took back the pillow he said I could keep and the Slapshot night light burned out and I bit my tongue.

The cat wants to sleep with John Carlson, not me.

It has been terrible, horrible, no good, very bad lockout.

Coach says some days are like that.

Even in Albania.

Day 29 - The Three Ghosts of Hockey

Maybe it was the NC State Fair food or my penchant for watching holiday movies based on British literature out of season and high school or some small combination of both, but last night I was visited by the three specters that represent the dying season of the frozen pond sport. Representing the boilerplate ambiguous eras of time, past, present, and future, were the three Staal brothers, Eric, Jordan, and Marc. In their translucent form and bluish Jedi hue, they all revealed to me important wisdom as to the direction of hockey.

The Past
Eric Staal initiated this ethereal state of affairs by being chained to the half boards, one hand shorter than the other, and then breaking away and scoring a goal on Vokoun. And then Neuvirth. And then Varlamov. And then Sabourin. And then Neuvirth again. And then Theodore. And then Kolzig stopped him with his father time beard. Eric then reminded me that there had been lockouts before and the NHL was able to overcome them. And then Eric reminded me that there had been hockey before 2004. And then I told him about the time that DC had a chance to win the cup in 1998. And he just laughed and laughed and laughed.

The Present
Jordan Staal tagged into the dream via a trade you would only see with a rookie fantasy hockey player, Staal for Brandon Sutter and Brian Dumoulin. We spent a good part of the dream just driving around the open and free roads of Raleigh as when he lived in Pittsburgh, he lived in constant fear of bridges, his belief that he would either find a troll or Brett Kiesel. He assured me that the lockout would be over any day now and all the teams really need in this scenario is a really good mediator acting on their behalf. He is filling the void from the lack of hockey by learning to count to 60 million.

The Future
Marc Staal was either eating a turkey leg from the fair or Zdeno Chara's leg in some weird form of symbology suggesting that the Rangers would the Bruins soundly (or Marc Staal will be getting rabies and be feasting upon the quadriceps of various Slovakian behemoths). He then imparted upon a premonition on me as my time in dreamland began to wane and transition into the cruel brightly lit morning. He showed me this really big house in Michigan where hockey was being played in someone's backyard. Red winged Sephiroth's were pitted against defenseless trees. I think this mean's that the first hockey game of the season will be the Winter Classic as played by Gary Bettman and the mayor of Detroit on NHL '13.

It was at this point that the melange of deep fried food stuffs and the airborne pollutants of Pall Mall cigarettes had finally forced its way through my unfortunate digestive tract and caused me to rise to the stupid yellow sun. I wish to destroy that goldenrod sphere or at least delay its rise in the morning. Can't wait 'til this lockout's over and I can get back on a normal sleep schedule...waking up at noon.

Day 28 - Minor League Superstars: Sweet, This Place Has a Walmart!

The AHL season started last night with all of the lesser players representing the lesser cities in the realm of hockey. Given the current state of superstar hockey, many players with two-way contracts (meaning these athletes can go in between their main squad and farming franchise without fear of being picked up by the New York Islanders, poor Nabokov) are filling up the rosters of their minor league analogue while they await the end of the lockout.

I can't imagine it's easy for an AHL player to make the transition from the national spotlight to hockey's version of open-mic night. (Hey, guys! How many Caps does it take to screw in a lightbulb in the playoffs? None, their caddy does it for them! - Ryan Nugent-Hopkins) For instance, in the NHL you may be thrown under the bus after having a bad night or just to be a scapegoat for a team's abysmal loss. In the AHL, when you're thrown under the bus, it's because that's how you get to away games. Diet also takes its toll as players get used to their new salaries. Rather than dining on the finest food and the freshest imported seafood, players instead eat Swedish Fish. Rookies aren't hazed into the teams by buying his teammates drinks on tap. He treats them to the finest jellybeans and the freshest Pepsi that Hamilton can offer. Sean Avery has volunteered to help players adapt to the AHL lifestyle in the same way that people in communist countries vote for their fearless leaders.

I like to think the AHL is a lot like the "Mighty Ducks", with a bunch of players and parents yelling at each other for not being good, but it's probably a lot more like "The Big Green", wherein the players and parents make their own pads with duct tape and spit and because I'm pretty sure there is a team called the "Elma Nothings". The fan bases are a little different as well. Instead of being hardcore season ticket holders, with an  undying loyalty and devotion to the team, AHL fans are typically people who won a t-shirt and tickets from a radio show trivia contest that became a desperate giveaway when it became apparent that the guesser new nothing about Skrillex and Pokemon.

On a more positive note, with major league arenas left empty with nothing to fill them but monster truck rallies, antiques festivals, and NBA games, the AHL is cashing in by moving a few games over to their superstar counterparts, so I'll at least get to see one Staal play this season.

Day 27 - A Dismal Day Daubs the Depressed Drudgery of DC

On this night, the O's and the Nat's were unceremoniously removed from post-season contention. I recognize this feeling all too well. You never really get used to it. You simply deal with it, much like traffic in the DC area, although it's not really fair to call it traffic, since the word traffic implies some level of forward progress and a worthwhile destination.

There really is no reason to be upset with this turn of events (with the notable exception of not having hockey as an escape route). The Orioles and the Nationals put up quite magical seasons. Looking back into the early years of the millennium, these were the exact results we expected. The farm systems for both teams were finally going to put up a bullpen worthy of national contention in baseball's grandest stage. That the Nationals lost to the defending champs and the Orioles lost to the normal defending champs is nothing to thumb your nose at (except for the part where I pour money and time into a seemingly hopeless endeavor).

Will I continue pouring money and time into this hopeless endeavor? Of course! In the great words of Philip J. Fry, "You can't give up hope just because it's hopeless. That's when you have to hope more and cover your ears and go, 'Blah! Blah! Blah!'" With my stake in this year's baseball season completely done with, I can stop ignoring people and work with constant score updates from the MLB and instead ignore people and work with constant updates from NHLPA.

Day 26 - The Five Periods of Grief

Today would've been the opening day of the 2012-2013 NHL season. Ottawa would've faced Montreal, Boston would have battled Philly, the Canucks would have fought the Flames, and the 43rd worst city would have matched up against the 43rd best state. When faced with such a huge loss, most people curl up into the fetal position of the Kubler-Ross model of grief dealing: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Hockey fans do not have or are even aware of such pansy feelings, with the exception of anger, which is like the bunny slopes of hockey emotions. Here for you today is the typical stages of grief for the average hockey fan, whether it be the loss over a season due to cancellation, injury, or crappy playoff runs.

Fear - Stricken by the paralyzing anxiety that there may not be games for a couple of months, the average hockey fans turn as white as the ice or away jerseys or Rick DiPietro when he sees a flying pillow. It is the only time you will see a hockey fan rendered speechless, aside from a night of celebration from a win or agony from a loss. This phase subsides very quickly, as most associates of hockey, player, coach, or fan, know no fear. Thus we are taken to:

Anger - Normally the healthy outlet exhibited by fans during the normal course of a game, this energy is now negatively vented by enthusiasts of the game. The common factor is that both sets of stages lead to the destruction of private property, but while normal anger displayed by fans of leads to the ravaging of their stuff, when hockey goes into an prolonged off-season, it will lend itself to the destruction of your property. It's important to show hockey fans you love them, but do so with plastic and safety glass. We are then magically whisked away to:

Hate - Every little thing sets the hockey player off as something seems to remind them of the sport they were once very fond of. It could range from something as overt as skates to the extremely subtle, six-degrees of separation, train of thought with caboose added like a McDonald's that makes them think of burgers taht makes them think of chicken that makes them think of oven chicken that makes them think Ovechkin. Seething with malevolence to their core, it's important to tread carefully around hockey fans during this phase. I find roller derby or extreme figure skating (figure skating with obstacles) is pretty safe. From there, we traverse to:

Suffering - This really isn't a phase of personal detest, but rather what the friends and family of hockey fans feel as the course of the off-season drags on and on. Endless rants about the seemingly never-ending lockout now dominate their boring and boorish conversations. There discussions mostly waltz around their three fondest memories which become easily memorized at the initial conversations. Caps fans are the worst to be around, since their three fondest memories are same Alex Ovechkin goal, the one where he's on his back in Phoenix, shown from three different angles. Finally, we saunter to:

The Shadowy Pit of Ominous Darkness/The Light at the End of the Arena Tunnel - This is the hit or miss phase where the fan either shows absolutely no hope and has resorted to college lacrosse to meet their violent sports needs or where the fan has heard the wondrous news that the season is set to begin. If the fan has given up hope, it's best to give him or her space, as well as a new wardrobe. You can title it "Alternate Home Uniform" to help null the pain. If, however, the season is set to begin, grab your ear plugs and your least-favorite color appropriate shirt. It's time to shout with glee and head to the nearest hockey arena!

I hope you have found this guide somewhat helpful. It's important that we all stick together. We're gonna get through this.

Day 25 - Top 10 Ways NHL Fans Are Protesting the Lockout

10. Insulting each other's teams with 24% less "Your Mom" jokes.

9. Refusing to pirate NHL '13.

8. Playing "Chelsea Dagger" by The Fratellis on endless loop until they see somebody score a goal. The Panthers have also used this tactic to get Jon Matsumoto to get one in the net.

7. Switching over to non-sports related activities, like watching ESPN.

6. Wearing their jerseys inside out, which makes the one guy wearing an Andy Sutton jersey look like it says, "Nott Us Y DNA", which is just hilarious to me and makes me think of chromosomal warfare.

5. Skipping work and charging the NHL for lost wages as hockey-related revenue.

4. Picketing Rexall Place, demanding a hockey team, which is weird, since it seems like they have been there for like ten years.

3. Peacefully assembling outside of the NHL headquarters in Toronto, which means they're only three Molsons deep.

2. Allowing new bandwagon fans to become free agents after a three-year entry-level contract.

1. Threatening to give Gary Bettman concussion-like symptoms.

Day 24 - The Return of 24/7

With new hockey unavailable to us until the owners decide they need money to fill their tropical fish tanks entirely with Perrier, HBO has decided to reair the old 24/7 series that highlighted the Pittsburgh Penguins for four weeks during their magical streak of 12 games and lowlighted the Washington Capitals during their losing streak of 7 games as they both prepared for the ultimate game that decides who's the best team of all time, the Winter Classic. This exists as an ultimate matchup until Gary Bettman can get a Capitals-Penguins Stanley Cup final (I know that this is next to impossible. The inherent flaw in this plan is that the Caps have to make a final).

This series taught us a lot of things about both teams. Bruce Boudreau and Dan Bylsma both know about fifty different derivations of the f-word, including its ancient roots in Middle English and Elvish (critical knowledge at crucial points in games and if hockey is ever fought at Hastings or Helm's Deep). Mike Green showed us that if you're supply of man cards is just overwhelming, one can easily rectify this problem with the smallest, pinkest scooter around. If an age-old race of sentient ice-cream creatures comes to Earth to exhaust our entire supply of syrup in order to dominate the galaxy, Bruce Boudreau will be there to save the day (this would also make an interesting filler episode of Doctor Who).

I can't wait to rewatch this series. It's like watching old reruns of Survivor, trying to stay surprised for the ending and waiting for John Erskine to get voted off the team. If I recall correctly, the editing was really good. It made the Capitals look like a really solid offensive team.

Day 23 - 60 Lines About 30 Hockey Teams

To the tune of "88 Lines About 44 Women" by The Nails

The Stars had their season stolen
like a Tony Romo throw
Most of Anaheim's costs
go to feeding Bruce Boudreau

Detroit is taking up their time
by helping the AARP
They ran into Martin Brodeur
Who got a fifth replacement for his knee

Columbus heard the season's gone already
Just like last year and that is fine.
I have to make this next joke quick
before the Rangers block the line

Buffalo's most famous game
involves some fog and a misplaced bat
Vancouver looks real nice
On the left side of the US hat

Colorado's one of the only teams
to be champs after a city change
Zdeno Chara's fingertips
Can touch Boston and Denver, it's quite the range

The Blues had a playoff streak
Twenty five years, then all but done
But yet they have less rings than Tampa
St. Louis - Zero, The Lightning - One

San Jose has a solid team
with Thornton, Boyle, and Havlat
Minnesota is just San Jose
With a smaller money cap

Edmonton just dominates
the age-old Alberta rivalry
I guess that's just not too hard
When your opponent is just Calgary

Carolina sells their tickets for $10
since they can't give them away or sell them out
Toronto's fans line the streets
like a late 90s Star Wars camp-out

The Eagles scored fourteen versus Pitt
In a game they couldn't win
The Flyers are still shorthanded
From stacked penalties with the Pens

Chicago's biggest setback
might be Niklas Hjalmarsson
Montreal's biggest setback
is that they are Canadian

Nashville intimidates
Through their mascot, the Predators
Who are no match for politicians
In Ottawa and their Senators

The MTS Centre gladly
hosts Winnipeg and its Jets
Where Phoenix moves across the map
I don't know! Place your bets!


The Panthers team went to Disney World
To find a part-time job that pays
The Nassau Vets Ice Arena
Goes historic within 30 days


The LA Kings took it all
The Stanley Cup in victory
The Caps never have a shot
Ironic, since they're in DC

Day 22 - Drag Queens and Amish

We are now entering week four of the hockey lockout. In the wise words of my good friend from Beltsville, "I don't know what to do without hockey. I've been watching reality shows about drag queens and the Amish." Personally, I haven't resorted to the viewing of cross-dressers, Mennonites, and cross-dressing Mennonites, coming to Fox in the spring of 2013 in the form of "Ru Paul's Barn Raising: Hook-And-Eye for the Straight Guy" - Plainness ain't Painless! My patience wears thin for the return of bladed ice-dwellers. What other bottom-dwelling boob tube shows await this curmudgeon in his daily drudgery...

Day 21 - Owners and Players Debate

DAY 21 - OWNERS VS. PLAYERS DEBATE

Wednesday night marked the first night of the presidential
debate in America, squaring off incumbent president Barack Obama
against Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney. Little did
anyone know that NHL commissioner Gary Bettman was having
his own debate with NHL Players Association executive
director Donald Fehr. Here's a brief snippet of what went
down (aside from player salaries and fan faith in the
league).

                      ANNOUNCER
          Moderating tonight's debate will be
          one of the most revered members of
          the NHL, Sean O'Donnell, whose
          storied career eneded...

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          I still play.

                      ANNOUNCER
          Ladies and gentlemen, Sean O'
          Donnell.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Good evening from the Gallagher-Iba
          Arena of the Oklahoma State
          Cowboys, future site an expansion
          NHL team, the Vancouver Canucks, or
          Phoenix Coyotes refugees. I welcome
          you to this debate between Gary
          Bettman and Donald Fehr. This
          debate is sponsored by the
          Commission on Hockey Debates, which
          should be considered a hockey
          related cost. The audience here in
          the hall has promised to remain
          silent - no cheers, applaue,
          hisses, or boos, except for now,
          when Gary Bettman enters.

Enter GARY BETTMAN and DONALD FEHR.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
                (continued)
          Gentleman and Mr. Bettman, welcome
          to you both. Let's start with
          segment one, the economy, and let's
          begin with player salaries. A coin
          toss determined that Mr. Fehr go
          first, but Mr. Bettman has insisted
          that he won. Mr. Bettman?

                      GARY BETTMAN
          Good evening, everyone. Ladies and
          gentlemen, it's an honor to be
          here. Years ago, when I had my
          first lockout, I never thought
          would make it this far. But much
          like the film director Christopher
          Nolan, I was able to orchestrate a
          series of events that offered
          never-ending drama, action, and
          pandemonium that our fans have come
          to expect from me. Moving on to the
          salaries of our wonderful players.
          Our current revenue stream is at a
          mere gazillion dollars. Owners
          simply aren't making the bajillions
          they expected and players have to
          understand that the money isn't
          there to pay them. I have a Five
          Points Plan that is meant to
          counteract this. My Five Points
          Plan includes: cutting player
          salaries, reducing team member
          paychecks, slashing the amount of
          money our athelets earn, trimming
          down the percentage of the revenue
          pool that players get, and
          diminishing the exorbitant amount
          of currency our players insist on
          having.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          I'm pretty sure you went over time.
          Let me ask my timekeeper, Drew
          Doughty. Drew?

                      DREW DOUGHTY
          Nah.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Thanks, Drew. Mr. Fehr?

                      DONALD FEHR
          Thank you, Sean. Sean, my esteemed
          guests in the audience, and to
          every fan at home, my plan is very
          simple. There needs to be a massive
          change in the infrastructure and
          training of our teams. In our
          current state, our players are
          forced to ride old buses, play in
          arenas like Nassau Veterans
          Memorial Colisuem and they're also
          using playbooks that are ten years
          old. With my plan we can fix all of
          the players' detriments and we can
          do this without cutting player
          salaries, probably.

Pulls out picture of Nail Yakupov.

                      DONALD FEHR
          Sean, this is little Nail Yakupov,
          who...


                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Your two minutes was up like two
          hours ago.

                      GARY BETTMAN
          I would like to talk.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          You haven't been asked a question.

                      GARY BETTMAN
          Shut up, old man. I'm going. My
          expansion plan includes adding
          teams to Des Moines, Tuscaloosa,
          and Mexico City, which will add ten
          trillion jobs and seventy gajillion
          billion Zimbabwe dollars to the
          pool, which is how we can increase
          player salaries.

                      DONALD FEHR
          My opponent's plans only hurts
          current small market teams. For
          instance, the last time the Florida
          Panthers turned a profit was when
          Cliff Viner flipped over a winning
          lottery ticket!

                      GARY BETTMAN
          I'm also cutting Sesame Street for
          no reason.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Mr. Fehr, your rebuttal?

                      DONALD FEHR
          My opponent doesn't realize two
          things. A. Sesame Street has been
          pivotal in the recuperation of Marc
          Savard and Sidney Crosby. B. Zdeno
          Chara has counted on Sesame Street
          for his supplemental wages during
          the lockout for playing the part of
          Big Bird!

                      GARY BETTMAN
          Sean, nation, what my opponent
          doesn't realize is that my current
          plan lowers the unemplyment of
          hockey players.

                      DONALD FEHR
          Your current plan causes the
          unemployment of hockey players.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          Sirs, I must insist that you wait
          to be called on.


                      DONALD FEHR & GARY BETTMAN
          Shut up, you old man!

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          And now time for our commercial
          break.

                      DREW DOUGHTY
          I don't think debates have
          commercial breaks.

                      SEAN O'DONNELL
          I should have given up moderating
          debates years ago. In fact, I'm
          declaring the debate over! It looks
          like the owners have declared Gary
          Bettman the winner and the players
          have declared Donald Fehr the
          winner. From Gallagher-Iba Arena,
          good night, everybody!

Day 20 - Top Ten Unintended Side Effects of the Lockout

10. Blood donation centers are falling far short of their quotas this year, especially in Philly.
9. The local temperature around Madison Square Garden has lowered by three degrees, since mouth-breathing Rangers fans have nothing to squeal about.
8. Rick DiPietro is the healthie - nope.
7. The Capitals have had time to condition themselves for a deep playoff run, which means they'll play the best golf in years.
6. The KHL is seeing a record number of Americans viewing hockey on ESPN. Also, ESPN is seeing a record number of Americans viewing hockey on ESPN.
5. With a potential of the season being canceled, children of third-world countries of worried about getting their yearly supply of “San Jose Sharks - Conference Champs!” shirts
4. Jersey sales for David Legwand have plummeted 50%, from 2 to 1, as David Legwand only bought one jersey.
3. With their new found free time on Sundays, NHL refs now know at fifty new ways to blow games.
2. Parking and traffic around the Prudential Center has gone from "nightmarishly awful" to "awful".
1. With arenas empty, Clint Eastwood is now free to address the leaders of the world in peace.

Day 19 - A Fortnight of Fighting Flees

The NHL has officially declared the first two weeks of the regular season completely and utterly canceled, which is weird, since I thought the Winter Classic was in January and the Twitterverse is in consensus that's the official beginning of the 2012-2013 season (There will be massive crunching of 2012 games to ensure that part of the year was played).

This gives me ample free time to write my nastygram to Gary Bettman. Here's a sneak peek of what I have written so far:

Dear Gary Bettman,

Boooooooooooooooooooooo.
{to be read in your head throughout this letter}

You suck ice. Yes, that is an allusion to Mighty Ducks 3. This is what level at which my personal fandom now presides. I spend my days and nights watching hockey movies and Stanley Cup finals, pretending I don't know all the dialogue as I mouth along with it, but it just isn't the same (the scrappy team with a never-say-die attitude that isn't the Caps wins), although that Chris Phillips goal never seems to get old.

Mr. Bettman, this is the third lockout under your tutelage, which gives you the record of most labor stoppages under a major league commissioner. Congratulations. You're in the history books and a Wiki article and a Sporcle quiz. Now stop. Please.

I know you want things to be more fair for small-market teams and your plan to move every market from Canada to the US to make every team a small-market team was a pretty decent if not diabolical plan. With the money was the one or two or seven record breaking years you've had, I'm sure you and the other owners can finally afford your own personal Legion of Doom lair.

As a die-hard hockey fan who has followed the organization from the beginning of the Washington Capitals campaign, way back in 2005, I urge you to find a peace, bring this lockout to a close, and find some other way to underpay your players.
Thank boo,

JamJars

Day 18 - Diaspora

With the NHL dispersed across the AHL, CHL, and KHL, I thought it might be helpful to denote how to know what league you're watching. The following is a comprehensive guide to the various hockey cultures across national borders.

KHL - Customers are typically price-gouged for cups of vodka.
CHL - Customers are typically price-gouged for cups of Moulson.
AHL - Customers are typically price-gouged for cups of club soda (Bud Light).

KHL - Teams are featured mostly in the biggest cities in contemporary Russia.
AHL - Teams are featured mostly in the biggest cities in contemporary New York.
CHL - Teams are featured mostly in the biggest villages in contemporary Canada.

KHL - Fans can be found adorned in gloves and mouton sheepskin lining the stands.
CHL - Fans can be found adorned in gloves and moosen sheepskin lining the stands.
AHL - Fans can be found adorned in their favorite player's jersey, playing on the ice.

KHL - Spies are typically referred to as KGB agents.
CHL - Spies are typically referred to as rogue Mounties.
AHL - Spies are typically referred to as New England Patriots.

CHL - Parking is scarce and only available on a first-come, first-serve basis.
KHL - Parking is only problem for people with cars.
AHL - Parking is only a problem when the arena double books Lynyrd Skynyrd.

CHL - Is a good place to spot future stars of hockey.
AHL - Is a good place to spot past stars of hockey.
KHL - Is a good place to spot present stars of hockey or those stuck under their military or mafia obligations.


CHL - The arena primarily serves ham.
AHL - The arena primarily serves bacon.
KHL - You serve arena.

Day 17 - Movie Marathon!

I have to get my hockey fix somehow. Here's a rundown of the best and worst hockey movies to watch during this dark time.

Goon - Seann William Scott stars as a young Sean Avery. 1 out of 5 stars because most of the time, he’s in front in the camera, flailing his arms.

Miracle - Details the extraordinary journey of an unlikely, overmatched squad beating a heavily favored contender to win it all in New York when the New York Islanders beat the Philadelphia
Flyers.

Net Worth - A documentary that follows team owners. 90% of this movie is comprised of them laughing maniacally. The other 10% is them crying from laughing so hard.

The Mighty Ducks - Basically shows what James Van Der Beek could have been if Dawson’s Creek had been Dawson’s Rink. Also, if James Van Der Beek had been in the movie instead of Joshua Jackson.

Slap Shot - Set in 1977, a failing hockey team finds success using constant fighting and violence during games. Working title: Can You Take Me, Flyers

The Rocket - Previously unreleased footage of Erik Cole skating between the Canes and whatever team he’s playing for this year.

Mystery, Alaska - Chronicles the adventures of a team that is barely minor-league as they go up against the New York Rangers. So basically the Ottawa Senators against the New York Rangers

Youngblood - Starring a young Teemu Selanne, the only one of these movies that was filmed in black and white. Also, the 1950s. Look for the hand-cranked Zamboni!

D2: The Mighty Ducks - The Ducks return to face their greatest foe: a blond girl that distracts their coach. Based on the true story of Pete Deboer.

Idol of the Crowds - I don’t have a punchline for this. Just know that John Wayne was in a movie about hockey in the 30s.

Waking Up Wally: The Walter Greztky Story - 0/5 stars. This movie featured neither WALL*E nor Wayne Gretzky.

The Boys - Hockey's version of "The Lost Boys" that follows Cory Feldman as he defends the world from a blood-sucking Scott Hartnell. Actual footage.

D3: The Mighty Ducks - A bunch of young, scrappy kids must find a way to outwit their rich, preppy counterparts. It’s basically a metaphor for every lockout ever.

Breakaway - ⅖. Just highlights of every Eric Staal goal against the Capitals.

The Rhino Brothers - A story of the Sedin family and their sons’ journeys to play for a professional team.

Day 16 - In Celebration of NHL '94

Somewhere in this month marks the 8th anniversary of the 10th anniversary of NHL '94, the best sports game of its generation and graphical and game play capabilities, its pixelated prowess providing players with unparalleled puck control. It was much better than the days of the NES before official contracts with the NHL led to titles like "Hockey", although "Blades of Steel" remains one of the most metonymically relevant titles of all time. Let's take a look at the evolution of hockey from '94 to now.

1994: Nail Yakupov is born with big dreams of playing for the NHL.
2012: Nail Yakupov clings desperately to big dreams of playing for the NHL.

1994: Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson look to lead North Carolina to its first professional championship in the state.
2006: Alonzo Mourning and Larry Johnson watch the Carolina Hurricanes lead North Carolina to its first professional championship in the state.

1994: Atlanta's fourteen year wait for a hockey team looks to come to a close soon.
2012: Atlanta's thirty-two year wait for a hockey team continues.

1994: "The Mighty Ducks" just had their sequel recently released where the young, scrappy team must learn to work together with new players and their loveable coach as they face the evilness of Iceland.
2012: "The Mighty Ducks" are a young, scrappy team that must learn to work together with new players and a coach as they beg for employment in the evilness of Iceland.

1994: The Vancouver Canucks lose in heartbreaking fashion to the New York Rangers in seven games, although as a seventh-seed, nobody expected them to go that far.
2011: The Vancouver Canucks lose in heartbreaking fashion to the Boston Bruins in seven games, although as a President's Trophy winner, nobody expected them to go that far.

1994: The Washington Capitals made the playoffs, tasting the Stanley Cup as they make a deep run, but often ending in tragic and heartfelt failure.
2012: The Washington Capitals made the playoffs, tasting the Stanley Cup as they make a run, but often ending in abject and utter failure.

1994: Gary Bettman has finished his freshman year as new league commissioner having ended the campaign without a single lockout.
2012: Gary Bettman finishes his 18th year as the league commissioner having ended the campaign without being locked out of his house.