Day 98 - The Mayan Prophecy

As of this writing the world hasn't ended, but hockey may have, for at least this season and probably the next. Games have been canceled through the 14th of January. Even with a ridiculously short schedule, that leaves us with just under fifty games, a schedule that would essentially be the same length as the postseason that would follow. This March Madness buffer really offers no solace. This season has been nothing but office meetings with no results. It's like hockey is run by a college administration, hopefully not a FBS school, because that would leave us without a playoff. The Stanley Cup winner would go to the highest voted team, which would probably be Boston College.

I'll get my archaeological friends to look into the Mayan tablets to see if there was anything that points to the melting of the polar ice caps, which would either mean some kind of Nostradamus layering of hockey being canceled, or the polar ice caps would begin melting and North Carolina would finally get some snow. Either way, it's bad.

I do want a season and I'm not against a de facto home-and-home series amongst all the teams; I just want everything to be done right. Do right by your fans. Please.

Day 97 - The Conferences Get Shaken And Stirred

It's that time of year when schools change conferences, in search of greener pastures and higher profits, seeking more favorable opponents and more national exposure. This has led to the dissolution of traditions forged by history and the creation of conferences that exceed the size of their professional counterparts and in no way, shape, or form, represent the geographic proximity and cultural similarities that led to their naming convention. Here are my predictions for the future roller coaster ride of conference realignment.

The Catholic Seven (minus Notre Dame, so the Catholic Six) will form their own basketball conference or super-villain headquarters.

All the Texas schools and all the Oklahoma schools will leave their conferences and form the Cotton Bowl conference.

The Big 10 will stop underestimating the math skills of its target demographic and rename itself the Best of the Midwest conference.

Conference USA will dissolve and reform as Conference America with the exact same members. The only difference is that this conference will have ties to Six Flags and other local water parks.

Memphis, Towson, Auburn, LSU, Missouri, and Clemson will all form a minor Tiger conference, with the potential to add Villanova, Kentucky, and Arizona institutions as an all cats conference.

Bowling Green will go independent and then back to the Mid-American conference. No one will notice.

The remaining members of the SEC will replace the current members of the NFC East and start a dynasty of Super Bowl teams.

Day 96 - Ice Skating

I was thinking the other day about what hockey players do with their girlfriends and I thought that ice skating would be an obvious choice, but then I thought they might think, "if I see another rink, I will kill someone." Maybe they ask their girlfriend what they do for a living. "Oh, you work in an office typing and stapling all day. Awesome. I wanna watch you do that. I want to romantically look into your eyes doing that."

Ice skating is really one of those go-to dates that you only go on when you've completely run out of ideas and there is nothing else exciting to do. So a couple of weekends, I took my girlfriend ice skating, joining the ranks of other couples scraping the bottom of the barrel for their romantic activities.

It had been some time since I had been skating. The old style of skates relied entirely on shoestrings tied up and wrapped around like a Rubik's cube made of string. The new style of skate is like a plastic tie strap. It comes across as a very Playskool My First Skate feel. The beauty of this style is that it comes in two flavors. Ridiculous blood-clotting tightness or extremely clumsy, don't-take-turns-too-hard-or-at-all, ankle twisting looseness.

After the battle to attach swords to our feet, it was time to take to the ice. There was a rec-league hockey game that had recently ended, so the ice was a little chippy, but surely a Zamboni would take to the ice to resurface it any second. After eighty solid minutes, hope dwindled, my faith unrewarded in any capacity, ice rinks, hockey, Christmas. It became a belligerent evening as a fire code breaking crowd took to the ice, reducing it to mere frictionless concrete as one point.

The wonderful thing about exerting a modicum of physical energy around other guys creates an exponential growth of testosterone and destroys any inhibitions about competitions or skill level. I hadn't been skating since I was twelve, but I really thought I could be the greatest skater in the world. What started as romantically holding my girlfriend's hand and gently striding with her quickly evolved into a race against myself and other boyfriends. Three strides in, I felt I was the king of the rink, before quickly being humbled by a out of nowhere wall, because all great dates should end with a trip to the ER.

The rink was terrible. There was no couples skate, or guys only, or girls only skating, but it did take my mind off of hockey for one night. So thank you, local ice house.

Day 95 - The AHL Teams, Part 3

Chicago Wolves - They're like the Blackhawks, if the Blackhawks couldn't skate. So they're more like the Chicago Cubs on ice.

Grand Rapids Griffins - Their fans are as mythical as their mascot.

Milwaukee Admirals - Like the Norfolk Admirals, only with less beach.

Peoria Rivermen - I think this is a team mostly comprised of former World of Warcraft players who couldn't hack it on "The Biggest Losers".

Rockford IceHogs - This team name makes me think of the Frost Giants from "Thor". What would they eat? Obviously IceHogs, prepared for by their Ice Wives. After drinking vodka on ice, they would have ice cream.

Charlotte Checkers - The southernmost city in this cadre of minors, this name lost to the Charlotte Yahtzee by four votes.

Houston Aeros - Their mascot looks as intimidating as a Pinewood Derby car.

Oklahoma City Barons - I think it should be law that only Texas should be allowed to have Barons. Oklahoma City should go by some name that closely resembles their NBA team, like the Oklahoma City Boom.

San Antonio Rampage - Their arena would be the best arena if they had every iteration of the Rampage arcade game lined up in their corridors.

Texas Stars - Not a hockey team per se, just a supergroup of country music stars captained by Carrie Underwood.

Day 94 - The AHL Teams, Part 2

Binghamton Senators - Playing in the Broome County Veterans Memorial Arena, games have been known to be cancelled due to VFW bingo nights.

Hershey Bears - Hershey is the City of Chocolate. They feed into the Capitals, who play in the Chocolate City. That's weird.

Norfolk Admirals - If they were demoted to the ECHL, would they be called the Norfolk Captains?

Syracuse Crunch - Named after a Batman fighting title card, this team is as intimidating as a Batman fighting title card.

Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins - The city name screams Little League baseball team. The players scream elementary school dodgeball team.

Abbotsford Heat - This team will share its arena with the Lingerie Football League team, the BC Angels. My gut instinct is that this team will "accidentally" double book itself.

Hamilton Bulldogs - I think this team is missing out on a vital opportunity to cobrand with the Pound Puppies. Just sayin'.

Lake Erie Monsters - I like to think that they misspell the team name as "Monstars" and Danny DeVito threatens to sell them to Warner Brothers on a consistent basis.

Rochester Americans - Naturally, this team is made up of 70% Canadians.

Toronto Marlies - The second professional sports team in Toronto. The other is the Toronto Raptors.

Day 93 - The AHL Teams, Part 1

Manchester Monarchs - It's a shame, really, and a tad ironic. They play in the Verizon Wireless Arena and the players can only afford Straight Talk.

Portland Pirates - In researching this Maine-based city, I found its description to be pretty close to that of Friendship, Maine from "Casper". I'd like to think that Christina Ricci and Devon Sawa are seen at the games of the Cumberland County Civic Center, which sounds more like a courthouse than a hockey arena.

Providence Bruins - The per capita income of Providence is $15,525 is heavily influenced by the pay scale of the Providence Bruins players: bottlecaps, arena food leftovers, and spare change in couches.

St. John's IceCaps - They play at the Mile One Center, whose biggest claim to fame is having the most convoluted sponsorship in the history of minor league sports and the cancellation of an NBA game between the Toronto Raptors and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Let me repeat that. Their most famous game didn't happen.

Worcester Sharks - As the farm team for San Jose, they spend the whole season prepare themselves for fizzling out in the playoffs, which is good, because it gives the DCU Center time to prepare for trade shows and kindergarten graduations.

Adirondack Phantoms - Currently located in the obscure city of Glens Falls, this team will be moving to Allentown, Pennsylvania, where their new 8500 seat arena will be able to fit all the Mennonites of the region.

Albany Devils - Double whammy. First, the team has to play in Albany .Then, the players risk getting called up to Jersey.

Bridgeport Sound Tigers - Rick DiPietro has a standing invitation to play here whenever he gets injured, which is all the time.

Connecticut Whale - The fan base for this team has doubled since the latest allegations in the UConn case.

Springfield Falcons - This is the feeder team for the Columbus Blue Jackets. Down the pipeline, there are players worse than those seen on the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Day 92 - Where the Top 10 Prospects Will Go

The following is my predictions on where the top ten prospects will end up next year, if the lockout gets cancelled.

10. Rasmus Ristolainen - Tampa Bay - His commute to SeaWorld Orlando will only be 45 minutes.
9. Darnell Nurse - Winnipeg - Is looking forward to giving to the community of Winnipeg, since hockey will probably be canceled this season as well.
8. Hunter Shinkaruk - Carolina - Will join the Staal brothers on the top line at the Dick's Sporting Goods.
7. Valeri Nichushkin - Minnesota - Destiny has led him here and then to "America's Funniest Home Videos" because when a Russian accent combines with the north midwest American dialect, hilarity will surely ensue.
6. Elias Lindholm - Anaheim - Has always wanted to live somewhere warm and the Pluto costume is a good start.
5. Sean Monahan - Toronto - Trade bait. Will probably be going to TD Canada Trust.
4. Jonathan Drouin - New York - Is projected to score the most goals at Barclays Center. By goals, I mean gold stars as the top concessioneer.
3. Sasha Barkov - Montreal - May be picked up by Major League Gaming, Mortal Kombat division for his catch phrase, "Finnish him".
2. Seth Jones - Columbus - Will be a vital part of the rebuilding process for the Ohio State Buckeyes
1. Nathan McKinnon - Edmonton - That's just where number one picks go. John Wall almost went there.

Day 91 - The All-Spin Zone

Here's the list of the top ten ways that the NHL marketers are going to spin the lockout.

10. "Since the beginning of the NHL lockout, jersey sales are down." becomes "Since the beginning of the NBA and NFL lockouts, jersey sales are up!"
9. "Local economies are suffering due to dwindling bar sales." becomes "Vancouver is the safest city in the world!"
8. "The arenas look like ghost towns." becomes "Game traffic is virtually non-existent. The NHL is now the greenest league!"
7. "Fans are resorting to watching KHL games." becomes "ESPN is airing the most hockey it has in a decade!"
6. "Owners staring at empty chairs." becomes "Operating costs kept to a minimum!"
5. "The players and the owners can't be in the same room with each other." becomes "League injuries are down to an all-time low!"
4. "The Hostess factories are being shut down because of unions." becomes "Martin Brodeur will be in peak physical form when the lockout is over."
3. "The Capitals can't win the Stanley Cup." becomes "The Capitals can't lose the Stanley Cup."
2. "Players are leaving to return to their home countries to play." becomes "The lockout has led to lower American unemployment!"
1. "Canceled season" becomes "rebuilding year".

Day 90 - Fan Theory

What if the lockout isn't really a lockout? What if the lockout was just a means to get the players back home to their families before the end of the world? Think about it. Hockey players are the toughest men outside of Marines and the skills they learn on the rink are very transferable to a maritime setting. What if Gary Bettman knows that a zombie apocalypse is on the horizon and our best defense lay within the players of the NHL? Ovechkin and Malkin taking up arms with AK-47s and fermented potato juice laying waste to decomposed demons from beyond the grave? Maybe at the end of it, the world will be a better place as we would have bonded in crisis. Maybe Gary Bettman isn't a douchebag. He's just trying to save us.

Day 89 - 2012-2013 NHL Awards Ceremony

This year's awards ceremony will probably be canceled, but here are my predictions anyway.

Stanley Cup - Typically awarded to the NHL playoff champion, I think this should go to the cast and crew of "The Avengers" with Stan Lee holding it up first.

Prince of Wales Trophy - Usually reserved for the Eastern Conference winner, this should go to Alabama, the Southeastern Conference champions.

Clarence S. Campbell Bowl - Handed out to the Western Conference champions. I'm picking the LA Galaxy, just because I feel sorry for them for losing David Beckham.

Presidents' Trophy - Awarded to whoever has the most points so this award would (as of now) go to Kobe Bryant, who will most likely be the highest scoring player on a team that doesn't make the playoffs. How are you only gonna beat the Wizards by six?

Hart Memorial  Trophy - Given to the league's most valuable player. This should go to Stephen Rannazzisi. That guy is hilarious. Also, if you haven't seen "The League", it's hilarious.

Lady Byng Memorial Trophy - Awarded based on sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct, this award goes to every NHL fan for their great restraint during this lockout.

Jack Adams Award - Awarded to the coach judged to be the best in the year. This should go to Todd Richards who has not lost a game with the Blue Jacket yet.

Day 88 - How to Save the 82 Game Season

While everyone else gave up hope when the Winter Classic got canceled, I kept up my dangerous optimism which is the only the thing that has kept me sane during these horrid circumstances. My optimism is so dangerous that I still think that we can have a full 82 game season, no matter how late we start. Just hear me out. We have a couple of strategies here, all of which involve a double header. The first method is to have half-length games and just double the stats at the end and have the home team host two games that evening. This would create very exciting half paced games and would almost make up for when we didn't have hockey.

The second thing we can do is have full double or triple headers on a given day. But Jimmy, wouldn't that create problems for markets with NBA teams? As a Washington fan, I can assure you that most NBA teams aren't fully utilizing the space anyway and would not mind letting hockey players use the arena for ice rather than hardwood. This also creates a great opportunity for us to finally start combining the sports of hockey and basketball, which will further lend itself to value added markets like my Space Jam/Mighty Ducks fanfic that will finally hold merit. Michael Jordan and Emilio Estevez in the same movie? Yes!

The biggest problem with crunching so many games into such a tight schedule is travel. The third and final method would be to host the first half of the season over the course of a month in a tournamentesque format at the unused facilities at the London Olympics. It's true that none of those were hockey facilities. I think they would be easy enough to convert and I think it would give soccer fans a chance to see what a real sport looks like. Hockey is like rugby on ice. This would be great for recruiting.

This is completely doable. If not this season, then next season, when I will demand a baseball schedule of hockey games.

Day 87 - The Blizzard of Oz, An Allegary

Thanksgiving is the time of year when "The Wizard of Oz" is shown on about twenty different networks. Since I'm always about two or three weeks behind, I just watched it on my DVR, despite my mom owning a copy of it on VHS and DVD (because you can't recapture the feeling of fast forwarding those ads on a disc). There a lot of similarities between the current NHL standing and this holiday classic (most importantly, they both sync up to Pink Floyd rather nicely, especially with a dose of pumpkin pie or beer).

Let's start with the cast of characters: Dorothy, the Munchkins, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, the Wicked Witch, and the Wizard. Dorothy, wanting to escape the confines of her lower class, midwestern upbringing, clearly represents either the Columbus Blue Jackets or small-market teams as a whole. The yellow brick road represents the dusty trail (Interstate 70) and the ruby red slippers are her desire to join the New York Rangers. The Munchkins represent the rookies, the unknown future of hockey, the little Pee Wees. They have very little say in future matters, but current decision making is important to their future prospects.

The Tin Man with his hollow shell, inability to budge, and lack of heart is obviously Gary Bettman. Having no brain or the ability to solve basic problems, the Scarecrow is a really good metaphor for Gary Bettman. And the Cowardly Lion, all words, but no game, is Donald Fehr. The Wicked Witch of the West, extremely ticked at how things have been going in Oz for the past couple of years, in spite of things being awesome, represents the owners. As an aside, this makes the general management the Flying Monkeys. Finally, there is the Wizard, who is completely oblivious to the needs of his constituents in Oz. He represents Gary Bettman.

If we follow the story, a young girl journeys with her friends to find her way home and get gifts to them, only to hallucinate and murder someone in the process, we can follow the similarities and predict the end of the lockout. Dorothy and company make their pleas with the Wizard (the teams pleading and Gary fighting with himself), only to be sent away. The owners (Witch) kidnap the players and then Gary Bettman has to pretend to save them (positive negotiations). Then the players offer a truce only to throw water on the witch owners, which results in the negotiation meltdown. When everybody returns to the Wizard/Gary Bettman, he offers the players the chance to return home (playing), but accidentally leaves in the balloon (purposefully leaves in a limo, never to be seen again). The players will then click their ruby skates and return to their home countries.And then there's a meaningless sequel that no one watches (the 2013-2014 season).

It's not a perfect analogy, but eerily apropos. I'll keep you posted on how this pans out.

Day 86 - Santa Claws

A mall Santa in Ontario, perhaps tired of being paid in milk and cookies or growing wearing of all the fat jokes, he lost all of his holly and jolly and let loose a barrage of insults on an unfortunate three year-old Toronto fan. I'm not sure what's sadder, a three year-old being dumped on by a season temp or despite hockey being canceled, I'm fairly sure the Maple Leafs still have a losing record. You have to feel for this kid. The following is a brief history of other holiday figures and their meltdowns in relation to hockey fans.

The Easter Bunny - April 18-19, 1987 - Fearing competition from a hockey game going into thirty-uple overtime, the Easter Bunny throws in a black egg into the wickets behind Washington goalie Bob Mason. The players are too tired to care. The Capitals team sleeps until Alex Ovechkin comes on the scene.

Stuffing The Thanksgiving Turkey - November 25, 2011 - A giant turkey tells Tim Thomas that he sucks. Not an unusual occurrence, but this turkey sounded oddly like Pavel Datsyuk.

Larry, the Labor Day Louse - September 3, 2012 - Not an actual holiday figure, just Gary Bettman laughing at all the players on loop for three hours.

Baby New Year - January 1 - Not so much a problem figure, just a rotating nickname amongst the Montreal Canadiens. This year it was Brian Gionta!

Father Time  - October 1, 1992 - Teemu Selanne wishes to be the longest lasting player ever. He regrettably neglects to wish for eternal youth or the ability to grow more than five facial hairs.

Day 85 - Top Ten Ways Hockey Fans Thinly Veil Talking About Hockey With Their Friends.

10. Talking about their strategies in gambling, often ending in: "You bet, man!"
9. Retitled "Apples-To-Apples" to "Owners-To-Players" and rewrote all the cards to various apology words
8. Refers to their bathroom as the penalty box. Also, only lets you use it for two minutes.
7. The implications of the work stoppages for the NBA and NFL and ice sports in Russia.
6. Giving you performance reviews on your conversation skills, saying you have a high save percentage.
5. Only using an intercom to conduct business, which he refers to as the Negotiable Howling Loudness PA
4. Inundating you with a barrage of insults, amazed that you can "take all the shots"
3. Telling you all about this new pizza place that offers you the best Red Wings
2. Repeatedly encourages you to come over to watch a "Face/Off" marathon
1. Coming up to you when you're trapped out of your car saying, "Locked out again? I hate lockouts." Oddly enough, he always happens to be around when you're locked out. You need new friends.

Day 84 - Hockey Atheism

There is a set of unspoken deities in the hockey realm that I wrote about in a previous post that are supposed to prevent long-term situations like this overly drawn out and overly dramatic work stoppage from happening. Slapping the face of every hockey fan out there and laughing at us as we continue to cling to the last shred of hope that there might be a tiny season (around 57 games, which calculated in minutes adds up to a short baseball game). Do I dare say it? I want to say that we are all a group of desperate fools. But nay. This is not the case at all.

While our faith goes completely unheeded and essentially ignored during these troubled times, we hold on to the long-term, the future, the unknown. You see, fellow men, while it may not happen in 2012, our glorious sport will return to us in one form or the other. Maybe teams will return will prisoners as replacement players. Maybe the players will realize the greatest times in their young lives were performing on the national stage. Maybe the owner will come to realize that these players deserve every penny they earn, even when the league is only improving profit margins by only 20% per year. We're going to survive. We're going to go to arenas, and bars, and our best friends' houses because they have a better sound system and a really big TV. We're going to come out of this and hockey will be the best it's ever been. The players will all be hungry and in great need of pummeling the crap out of something. So pray to the hockey gods. Offer them sacrifices of your favorite jersey or free giveaway item from the time the Blue Jackets visited your iceplex. Shout joy across the land for your love of the game. Hockey shall return to us! In its pure, overcommercialized splendor!

It's going to be fine. This is a time of Christmas miracles. Or the world ending.

Day 83 - It's Going, Going, Gone!

Today marked one of the many black spots of this dismal lockout. After three solid days of amicable negotiation, the talks broke down like an episode of Jerry Springer. The following is how I imagine the talks went.

Narrator:
We'd like to welcome the host of our show, Gary Bettman!

Gary Bettman:
Hi, folks. Arguing is hard. Fighting is harder Neither ever lead to the solutions or outcomes that we desire. Today on a very special "Gary Bettman Show", we'd like to introduce to our viewing audiences two sides of loving family that have been fighting for nearly three months now. Here today are three special players on a show entitled, "If You Can't Play Nice, Get Off the Ice." Everybody give a warm welcome to Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, and Ryan Miller

Audience woos.

Gary Bettman:
Thanks for coming on the show today, guys.

Sidney Crosby:
Thanks, Gary, it's a pleasure to be here.

Ryan Miller:
Yeah, we really appreciate it.

Alex Ovechkin:
Da, I love flyink to United States. Truly honor to be here in between goals in Russia.

Gary Bettman:
Don't you mean games?

Alex Ovechkin:
No, I mean goals. I vil score two seconds after I step off plane in Moscow. My team wins by three. Even goalie will get point after I shoot puck off his mask.

Gary Bettman:
So what do you guys think the major problem here is?

Sidney Crosby:
Well, Gary, the heart of the problem seems to be aboot communication.

Ryan Miller:
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with Sid. We tried our best to meet the owners halfway to get a season started here for the fans and the owners just don't want to listen.

Alex Ovechkin:
I tell my fellow players that in Russia, the best negotiation tactic ees skullbashing. They say, "Wait until Winter Classic gets canceled." By that time, I'm already back in Russia. So, I pretend someone else is owner and bash their skull. I use it for pillow that night.

Gary Bettman:
This is a question just for Ryan Miller. Ryan, what do you think you would do if Terrence Pegula was here right now?

Ryan Miller:
I would probably shake his hand and thank him for the opportunity to play on his team for so many years and try to tell him that he and the other owners should try again.

Gary Bettman:
Well, we have a surprise for you, Ryan. Terrence Pegula is in the back and wants to talk things out right now.

Enter Terrence Pegula.
Audience cheers and shouts. Ryan Miller looks disgusted and surprised. He extends his hand and Terrence Pegula extends his hand. Then, Ryan Miller sucker punches Terrence Pegula. Audience yells, "Gary, Gary, Gary" in succession.

Ryan Miller (at Gary Bettman):
What the *bleep*?

Audience encourages the fight. Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby stand up to defend their hockey brother. Audience continues to yell, "Gary, Gary, Gary".

Ryan Miller (at Terrence Pegula):
Let's go, you *bleep*!

Ryan Miller goes low with a punch.

Terrence Pegula:
You call that a hit? If that's what you were going for, then "No, Goal!"

Ryan Miller is riled up and grabs a chair.Security separates everybody and Gary calms everybody down.

Gary Bettman:
Okay. Okay. All right.

Ryan Miller:
Do you see what we *bleep* have to *bleep* deal with on a daily *bleep* basis?

Gary Bettman:
It's okay. That's why we're here. We're here to talk.

Ryan Miller:
There's nothing to talk about.

Gary Bettman:
I'm sure Terrence doesn't feel the same way.

Terrence Pegula:
If you guys would quit being such whiners about getting paid.

Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby glare into his soul.

Terrence Pegula:
I mean, if you guys would behave like civilized people instead of unpotty-trained monkeys.

Ryan Miller:
You can't talk to these guys.

Gary Bettman:
Let's keep it civil, gentlemen. Now, Alex.

Alex Ovechkin:
Da.

Gary Bettman:
You liked Ted Leonsis?

Alex Ovechkin:
Yes, funny man. Once put paycheck in vodka and lit it on fire. Crazy thing is, only vodka burn. Waste of vodka, but hilarious joke.

Gary Bettman:
Well, Ted would like to make amends for the distraught trauma he's caused so far.

Alex Ovechkin looks quizzical and nonplussed. Ted Leonsis walks out with cheap vodka and a lit contract and high-fives Terrence Pegula while the audience shouts. Ovechkin grabs the vodka and pummels Leonsis and Pegula in a one-two motion. Audience shouts, "Gary, Gary, Gary."

Alex Ovechkin:
I'm going to send you to AO-Hell, Leonsissy!

Sidney Crosby:
Good one, Alex.

Alex Ovechkin:
Shut up, Crybaby Crosby!

Sidney Crosby:
Don't get mad at me you cupless bastard!

Sidney Crosby attempts to low blow Ovechkin only to find that there is in fact a cup.

Alex Ovechkin:
I always wear a cup when I know I'm going to be around you and your girlfriend, Craig Adams.

Sidney Crosby:
*Bleep* you, Oven Chicken!

Gary Bettman calms down the raucous players and crowd.

Gary Bettman:
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. There's no need to take it this far.

Sidney Crosby:
But he started...

Gary Bettman:
No, no. Sit down. Because I have a surprise for you, too.

Sidney Crosby:
Oh, no.

Gary Bettman:
It's the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, Mario Lemieux!

Mario Lemieux attempts to hug Crosby.

Sidney Crosby:
I'll give you the old one-up, Mario!

Sidney Crosby flips off Mario Lemieux. Not wanted to be as cordial, Mario Lemieux goes to punch Crosby, misses and hits Ryan Miller instead. Terrence Pegula and Ted Leonsis double team Gary Bettman.

Gary Bettman:
And now time for my final thought. Battles with words and fists are never a good way to solve any problem. Both parties end up worse than when they came in and the hurt feelings never really go away. Solve your problems like grown-ups. With words. And video games. Good night.

End scene

Day 82 - Top Ten Negotiation Tactics Attempted This Go Around

10. Passing around an "We concede all conditions to the owners" petition for all players to sign disguised as a "Free Ice Cream on Mondays" campaign.
9. Making an offer to only cap Ilya Kovalchuk's contracts to five years.
8. Producing a Hallmark card that says, "I'm sorry I locked you out three times in my tenure. Friends?"
7. The owners paying their head butlers to get on their knees and beg the players to come back.
6. Attempting to allow free agency under the agreement that free means the players don't get paid.
5. Stating that Columbus will never host an All-Star Game. It will only be played in major cities.
4. Road trip movies will no longer be limited to "The Mighty Ducks". Will now include the whole trilogy and the cartoon!
3. Threatening to expand the AHL to Canada, Russia, and Europe.
2. The Bugs Bunny Reversal: Starting an argument with the players, "You want to come back?" "No, we don't." "You do." "We don't." "You do." "We don't." "You don't." "We do!"
1. To eliminate travel, Winnipeg will either be moved to a new division or a new geographical location.

Day 81 - Hope Glimmers Like an Anglerfish

For two days, the players and the owners have set aside their differences and actually made some progress towards saving what may come to be an abject failure at negotiations, but they gave me a glint of hope and wonder and I'm clinging to it like mold...on...bread. It's been 81 grueling days. Give me a break. Speaking of 81, that's close to 82 which is the number of games we will not be having this season.

Word on the street is that the threshold is 60 games for the NHL to get 100% of revenues from their sponsors, but 60 games would be a little heavy for the players and a hard schedule to maintain and plan at this juncture. In the literature I've read, 56 games seems like the likely choice. It will certainly compress things and make for a Usain Bolt paced run for the Stanley Cup playoffs, but this lack of hockey is really starting to ruin my winter schedule. I'm forced to find actual productive things to do with my free time. I was made aware of a little cretin named Honey Boo Boo, an act which would not have occurred if hockey had existed and arguably, the players can take care of on their return.

Hopefully the players aren't caving in too harshly, but just enough so we can some of the ice sport before year's end.

Day 80 - College Bowl Game Predictions, Part 2

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Vanderbilt Commodores vs. NC State Wolfpack
NC State wins because they're a second half team and after the National Anthem and the announcement of the bowl, it will be the second half.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. USC Trojans
The weak USC Trojans beat the weak Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets in a weak bowl game sponsored by a weak company.

Autozone Liberty Bowl: Iowa State Cyclones vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane
If this were to have any headlines, it would probably be "The Blow Bowl", ironic since both teams suck.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Clemson Tigers vs. LSU Tigers
Clemson manages to hold LSU to 88 points, beating oddsmakers and the spread by 40.

TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl: Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Northwestern Wildcats
This is a bowl that sounds like it was sponsored by a recovering WoW addict. Northwestern wins and a rivalry does not emerge to the dismay of fans everywhere.

Heart of Dallas Bowl: Purdue Boilermakers vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys
Oklahoma State shuts out Purdue. Of the stadium. And then takes Dallas. And waits.

Capital One Bowl: Georgia Bulldogs vs. Nebraska Cornhuskers
Georgia begins every drive in Nebraska's red zone, which is their own 20 yard line and then fails to convert when making it into their own red zone, Nebraska's five yard line. This game is won by the best team's defense, since they're the only ones able to stop crying.

Outback Bowl: South Carolina Gamecocks vs. Michigan Wolverines
Michigan wins after being down by four touchdowns when Hugh Jackman shows up.

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic: Texas A&M Aggies vs. Oklahoma Sooners
No matter what, after this game, the Dallas Cowboys can say that a winning team has played in their stadium.

BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Ole Miss Rebels
With both teams at 6-6, this is the "Thank God FCS Opponent Wins Count" Bowl. Pittsburgh loses after confusing the state of Alabama with the state of Mississippi and being really late

GoDaddy.com Bowl: Kent State Golden Flashes vs. Arkansas State Red Wolves
Kent State wins after giving Arkansas State a couple of golden flashes.

Rose Bowl presented by Vizio: Stanford Cardinal vs. Wisconsin Badgers
Wisconsin loses after facing their worst enemy yet. The sun.

Discover Orange Bowl: Northern Illinois Huskies vs. Florida State Seminoles
Florida State wins since the contract with Satan only had the NIU Huskies making it to the Orange Bowl.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Louisville Cardinals vs. Florida Gators
Why does the Big East get an automatic bid? Because it's tradition. Why will Louisville lose? Because it's tradition.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Kansas State Wildcats vs. Oregon Ducks.
The "We Were So Close" invitational. Oregon was one overtime away and Kansas State was a mere four touchdowns from a chance at the title. Tragic.

Discover BCS National Championship: Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Alabama Crimson Tide
Alabama only wins by 21 after spending the first three quarters playing "Monkey in the Middle" with the Irish defense.

Day 79 - College Bowl Game Predictions, Part 1

With hockey still under the radar at the moment, I've decided to focus my ire onto the absurdity of college football. All 1005 of this season's bowl games were announced on Sunday and I'm hear to offer my sharp analysis into how teams will perform in their respective postseason blunders. Here we go:

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Nevada Wolf Pack vs. Arizona Wildcats

Arizona loses this game after it changes its conference to join Kentucky, Kansas State, LSU, Auburn, and Clemson to form the Wildcats-Tigers Conference.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Toledo Rockets vs. Utah State Aggies

This bowl gets won by whatever team is first able to find Idaho on a map. My guess is Toledo, since Ohio is like the Idaho of the midwest. Nobody really cares about it except for that one football game.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: San Diego State Aztecs vs. BYU Cougars

The BYU Cougars win the game, but lose $1.25 plus applicable fees on every touchdown.

Beef 'O'Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg: Ball State Cardinals vs. UCF Knights

The Ball State's students spelling skills are put to the test as they face the UCF Knights. They fail miserably.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: East Carolina Pirates vs. Louisiana-Layfayette Ragin' Cajuns

ECU will probably win. My confusion lies in the fact that R+L Carriers has failed to make use of a tie-in with the Carrier Dome.

Maaco Bowl Las Vegas: Boise State Broncos vs. Washington Huskies

The odds are: no one will watch this game.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: SMU Mustangs vs. Fresno State Bulldogs

Southern Methodist blows out the Fresno State Bulldogs in overexcitement when finding out that Hawaii does not have the death penalty.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: WKU Hilltoppers vs. Central Michigan Chippewas

The Central Michigan team is able to get under the skin of the Hilltoppers, saying something about their cheerleaders and/or their moms being hot and ready.

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman: San Jose State Spartans vs. Bowling Green Falcons

Finally, a WAC-MAC showdown but both teams immediately lose for not being military institutions and for having to play at RFK Stadium. 

Belk Bowl: Duke Blue Devils vs. Cincinnati Bearcats

After figuring the world would end for making a bowl, Duke loses in the wake of its confusion as to making a bowl.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: Baylor Bears vs. UCLA Bruins

Somehow a for-profit education institution making money off of the poor public schools seems appropriate. UCLA devastates the Baylor Bears, embarrassing the students enough to consider online classes.

Advocare V100 Independence Bowl: Ohio Bobcats vs. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks

The only people watching this game will be those lost going home from the R+L Carriers Bowl.

Russell Athletic Bowl: Virginia Tech Hokies vs. Rutgers Scarlet Knights

Both teams forfeit after fans skip the game to go to Disney World instead.

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas: Minnesota Golden Gophers vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders

Both teams feature tongue twisting mascot names, a fact which is as irrelevant as this bowl game.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Rice Owls vs. Air Force Falcons

This matchup is much funnier if you think about the Air Force Falcons as an 80s wrestling faction and the Rice Owls as a chocolate Easter candy.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Arizona State Sun Devils vs. Navy Midshipmen

All charitable contributions go towards the Sun Devils and Midshipmen's Golden Corral funds and after the game, they are going to kick the living crap out of hunger. 

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Syracuse Orange vs. West Virginia Mountaineers

This game features Syracuse in Yankees throwback uniforms and West Virginia in Mets throwback uniforms playing a throwback 2000 World Series game so the Yankees can feel good about choking in this year's playoffs.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Texas Longhorns vs. Oregon State Beavers

History takes a back seat in this game as players are paid to say "Remember the Alamo, sponsored by Valero?" Oregon State wins by not busting out into laughter as often as Texas.

Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl: Michigan State Spartans vs. TCU Horned Frogs

This is a high scoring matchup as both teams battle for the right to go home as quickly as possible.

Day 78 - A New Idea For Replacements: Figure Skaters

Not knowing anything about the industry of figure skating, I'm basing this entire article that they really don't do much of anything for the four years between Olympics except for excruciatingly training for sixteen hours a day to classical music. Knowing all of that, figure skaters would be perfect as temporary replacements for hockey teams in some small form of scrub league. It would be perfect! Clearly, they have the grueling training schedule down, so we would just have to condition them to a terrible travel schedule, so we would mimic the trail seen by the teams in the Southeast Division. Figure skaters are known for their eloquence, demeanor, and finesse, none of which is at all useful to hockey players, so we would just have to dope them up with the leftover steroids from Major League Baseball or the Flyers-Pens playoff series this year. Figure skaters are already used to wearing terribly outlandish uniforms, so we'd drum up the uniforms the Sabres wore in 2006 for their personal use. As far as I know, figure skating doesn't pay very well and figure skaters aren't very appreciated outside of a rink, so these new found players would very quickly find themselves in the hearts of the owners. Finally, I think hearing "What Would Brian Boitano Do" or some derivation thereof would be an instant institution and bring in a new cadre of fans to the game.

Day 77 - College Football Championships

Since everyday is a slow news day for a sport that isn't being played, save for the land of Moose and Squirrel and the land of Sickle and Hammer and whatever Europe is famous for (wine and whining?), we will focus our attention to a sport which causes an entirely different kind of heartbreak, college football. Not the whole set, just, you know, the teams that people want to watch, Division 1-A (or Football Bowl Subdivision).

With a number of teams being out of the postseason for a number of reasons: getting caught paying players (Miami), not getting along well with children (UNC), getting along too well with children (Penn State), this lead to some very interesting match-ups for the conference finals. In the ACC, Georgia Tech played Florida State selling a record for the highest number of $2 seats sold in Charlotte, NC outside of an NBA game. The Big East offered up a game of Russian Roulette where whoever lost got to go to the Orange Bowl to face an SEC team. Tomorrow, we'll get to find out if that's Georgia or Florida. Alabama beat Georgia on the final play, describing victory as something that seem miles away, but really it's only five yards. The Big 10/12/10 saw Wisconsin crush the dreams, hopes, and spirits and the Cornhuskers and their next three generations. Wisconsin goes to the Rose Bowl to face Stanford, who won the Pac-12 without John Elway. Good for them.

Coming soon! The travesty that is the 100 bowl games that are to be played.

Day 76 - Federal Intervention Fails

Like most interventions by the government, this week's undertaking by Federal Mediators proved to be an abject failure. These were the same people that were able to convince NFL fans that football was a sport and that the owners should not treat their players like cattle. The mediation ended as quickly as it began and I only imagine it was due to a very low key and apathetic dialogue, akin to the peer-reviewed mediation sessions we had in our elementary school. The teacher would get some scrawny, awkward overachiever to sit down with the two bullies who were encroaching on each other's drug routes and hallways and try to convince them that they were both people and should just hug it out.

In any case, this was a complete failure and about the 99th final nail in the coffin so that the corpse of the 2012-2013 NHL season looks like an overused hunk of Swiss cheese. ESPN almost makes this bearable by limiting their hockey knowledge to that little tid bit about the girl from "The Office" who played field hockey for some Ivy League school. Thanks, ESPN, for keeping me deluded.

Day 75 - This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

In one of the most bizarre instances that has happened during this lockout, earlier this week, Red Wings prospect Riley Sheahan was arrested earlier this week for drunk driving and wearing a Teletubby costume, which ranks somewhere in between Gary Bettman's hair cut and canceling an entire season of hockey on the level of hockey oddities. This driving under the influence (and visage) of Tinky Winky offense will assuredly open up the doors of hockey players and their creepy interpretations of beloved childhood heroes, including, but not limited to:

The Sedin Twins dressing as Bananas in Pajamas when the NHL inevitably moves to Britain.

The Staal Brothers portraying the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, every time they come to visit Jared Staal in his "sub-basement" apartment.

Rick Nash holds his breath to pull off his impeccable Captain Planet impersonation.

Jarome Iginla goes a little overboard with the Molson and punches everybody as his favorite character "Dudley Do-Fight".

The All Star Teams performing a Care Bear Stare after Stan Lee tells American Greetings that the NHL will cross-over with just about anything.