Day 98 - The Mayan Prophecy

As of this writing the world hasn't ended, but hockey may have, for at least this season and probably the next. Games have been canceled through the 14th of January. Even with a ridiculously short schedule, that leaves us with just under fifty games, a schedule that would essentially be the same length as the postseason that would follow. This March Madness buffer really offers no solace. This season has been nothing but office meetings with no results. It's like hockey is run by a college administration, hopefully not a FBS school, because that would leave us without a playoff. The Stanley Cup winner would go to the highest voted team, which would probably be Boston College.

I'll get my archaeological friends to look into the Mayan tablets to see if there was anything that points to the melting of the polar ice caps, which would either mean some kind of Nostradamus layering of hockey being canceled, or the polar ice caps would begin melting and North Carolina would finally get some snow. Either way, it's bad.

I do want a season and I'm not against a de facto home-and-home series amongst all the teams; I just want everything to be done right. Do right by your fans. Please.

Day 97 - The Conferences Get Shaken And Stirred

It's that time of year when schools change conferences, in search of greener pastures and higher profits, seeking more favorable opponents and more national exposure. This has led to the dissolution of traditions forged by history and the creation of conferences that exceed the size of their professional counterparts and in no way, shape, or form, represent the geographic proximity and cultural similarities that led to their naming convention. Here are my predictions for the future roller coaster ride of conference realignment.

The Catholic Seven (minus Notre Dame, so the Catholic Six) will form their own basketball conference or super-villain headquarters.

All the Texas schools and all the Oklahoma schools will leave their conferences and form the Cotton Bowl conference.

The Big 10 will stop underestimating the math skills of its target demographic and rename itself the Best of the Midwest conference.

Conference USA will dissolve and reform as Conference America with the exact same members. The only difference is that this conference will have ties to Six Flags and other local water parks.

Memphis, Towson, Auburn, LSU, Missouri, and Clemson will all form a minor Tiger conference, with the potential to add Villanova, Kentucky, and Arizona institutions as an all cats conference.

Bowling Green will go independent and then back to the Mid-American conference. No one will notice.

The remaining members of the SEC will replace the current members of the NFC East and start a dynasty of Super Bowl teams.

Day 96 - Ice Skating

I was thinking the other day about what hockey players do with their girlfriends and I thought that ice skating would be an obvious choice, but then I thought they might think, "if I see another rink, I will kill someone." Maybe they ask their girlfriend what they do for a living. "Oh, you work in an office typing and stapling all day. Awesome. I wanna watch you do that. I want to romantically look into your eyes doing that."

Ice skating is really one of those go-to dates that you only go on when you've completely run out of ideas and there is nothing else exciting to do. So a couple of weekends, I took my girlfriend ice skating, joining the ranks of other couples scraping the bottom of the barrel for their romantic activities.

It had been some time since I had been skating. The old style of skates relied entirely on shoestrings tied up and wrapped around like a Rubik's cube made of string. The new style of skate is like a plastic tie strap. It comes across as a very Playskool My First Skate feel. The beauty of this style is that it comes in two flavors. Ridiculous blood-clotting tightness or extremely clumsy, don't-take-turns-too-hard-or-at-all, ankle twisting looseness.

After the battle to attach swords to our feet, it was time to take to the ice. There was a rec-league hockey game that had recently ended, so the ice was a little chippy, but surely a Zamboni would take to the ice to resurface it any second. After eighty solid minutes, hope dwindled, my faith unrewarded in any capacity, ice rinks, hockey, Christmas. It became a belligerent evening as a fire code breaking crowd took to the ice, reducing it to mere frictionless concrete as one point.

The wonderful thing about exerting a modicum of physical energy around other guys creates an exponential growth of testosterone and destroys any inhibitions about competitions or skill level. I hadn't been skating since I was twelve, but I really thought I could be the greatest skater in the world. What started as romantically holding my girlfriend's hand and gently striding with her quickly evolved into a race against myself and other boyfriends. Three strides in, I felt I was the king of the rink, before quickly being humbled by a out of nowhere wall, because all great dates should end with a trip to the ER.

The rink was terrible. There was no couples skate, or guys only, or girls only skating, but it did take my mind off of hockey for one night. So thank you, local ice house.

Day 95 - The AHL Teams, Part 3

Chicago Wolves - They're like the Blackhawks, if the Blackhawks couldn't skate. So they're more like the Chicago Cubs on ice.

Grand Rapids Griffins - Their fans are as mythical as their mascot.

Milwaukee Admirals - Like the Norfolk Admirals, only with less beach.

Peoria Rivermen - I think this is a team mostly comprised of former World of Warcraft players who couldn't hack it on "The Biggest Losers".

Rockford IceHogs - This team name makes me think of the Frost Giants from "Thor". What would they eat? Obviously IceHogs, prepared for by their Ice Wives. After drinking vodka on ice, they would have ice cream.

Charlotte Checkers - The southernmost city in this cadre of minors, this name lost to the Charlotte Yahtzee by four votes.

Houston Aeros - Their mascot looks as intimidating as a Pinewood Derby car.

Oklahoma City Barons - I think it should be law that only Texas should be allowed to have Barons. Oklahoma City should go by some name that closely resembles their NBA team, like the Oklahoma City Boom.

San Antonio Rampage - Their arena would be the best arena if they had every iteration of the Rampage arcade game lined up in their corridors.

Texas Stars - Not a hockey team per se, just a supergroup of country music stars captained by Carrie Underwood.

Day 94 - The AHL Teams, Part 2

Binghamton Senators - Playing in the Broome County Veterans Memorial Arena, games have been known to be cancelled due to VFW bingo nights.

Hershey Bears - Hershey is the City of Chocolate. They feed into the Capitals, who play in the Chocolate City. That's weird.

Norfolk Admirals - If they were demoted to the ECHL, would they be called the Norfolk Captains?

Syracuse Crunch - Named after a Batman fighting title card, this team is as intimidating as a Batman fighting title card.

Wilkes-Barre/Scranton Penguins - The city name screams Little League baseball team. The players scream elementary school dodgeball team.

Abbotsford Heat - This team will share its arena with the Lingerie Football League team, the BC Angels. My gut instinct is that this team will "accidentally" double book itself.

Hamilton Bulldogs - I think this team is missing out on a vital opportunity to cobrand with the Pound Puppies. Just sayin'.

Lake Erie Monsters - I like to think that they misspell the team name as "Monstars" and Danny DeVito threatens to sell them to Warner Brothers on a consistent basis.

Rochester Americans - Naturally, this team is made up of 70% Canadians.

Toronto Marlies - The second professional sports team in Toronto. The other is the Toronto Raptors.

Day 93 - The AHL Teams, Part 1

Manchester Monarchs - It's a shame, really, and a tad ironic. They play in the Verizon Wireless Arena and the players can only afford Straight Talk.

Portland Pirates - In researching this Maine-based city, I found its description to be pretty close to that of Friendship, Maine from "Casper". I'd like to think that Christina Ricci and Devon Sawa are seen at the games of the Cumberland County Civic Center, which sounds more like a courthouse than a hockey arena.

Providence Bruins - The per capita income of Providence is $15,525 is heavily influenced by the pay scale of the Providence Bruins players: bottlecaps, arena food leftovers, and spare change in couches.

St. John's IceCaps - They play at the Mile One Center, whose biggest claim to fame is having the most convoluted sponsorship in the history of minor league sports and the cancellation of an NBA game between the Toronto Raptors and the Cleveland Cavaliers. Let me repeat that. Their most famous game didn't happen.

Worcester Sharks - As the farm team for San Jose, they spend the whole season prepare themselves for fizzling out in the playoffs, which is good, because it gives the DCU Center time to prepare for trade shows and kindergarten graduations.

Adirondack Phantoms - Currently located in the obscure city of Glens Falls, this team will be moving to Allentown, Pennsylvania, where their new 8500 seat arena will be able to fit all the Mennonites of the region.

Albany Devils - Double whammy. First, the team has to play in Albany .Then, the players risk getting called up to Jersey.

Bridgeport Sound Tigers - Rick DiPietro has a standing invitation to play here whenever he gets injured, which is all the time.

Connecticut Whale - The fan base for this team has doubled since the latest allegations in the UConn case.

Springfield Falcons - This is the feeder team for the Columbus Blue Jackets. Down the pipeline, there are players worse than those seen on the Columbus Blue Jackets.

Day 92 - Where the Top 10 Prospects Will Go

The following is my predictions on where the top ten prospects will end up next year, if the lockout gets cancelled.

10. Rasmus Ristolainen - Tampa Bay - His commute to SeaWorld Orlando will only be 45 minutes.
9. Darnell Nurse - Winnipeg - Is looking forward to giving to the community of Winnipeg, since hockey will probably be canceled this season as well.
8. Hunter Shinkaruk - Carolina - Will join the Staal brothers on the top line at the Dick's Sporting Goods.
7. Valeri Nichushkin - Minnesota - Destiny has led him here and then to "America's Funniest Home Videos" because when a Russian accent combines with the north midwest American dialect, hilarity will surely ensue.
6. Elias Lindholm - Anaheim - Has always wanted to live somewhere warm and the Pluto costume is a good start.
5. Sean Monahan - Toronto - Trade bait. Will probably be going to TD Canada Trust.
4. Jonathan Drouin - New York - Is projected to score the most goals at Barclays Center. By goals, I mean gold stars as the top concessioneer.
3. Sasha Barkov - Montreal - May be picked up by Major League Gaming, Mortal Kombat division for his catch phrase, "Finnish him".
2. Seth Jones - Columbus - Will be a vital part of the rebuilding process for the Ohio State Buckeyes
1. Nathan McKinnon - Edmonton - That's just where number one picks go. John Wall almost went there.

Day 91 - The All-Spin Zone

Here's the list of the top ten ways that the NHL marketers are going to spin the lockout.

10. "Since the beginning of the NHL lockout, jersey sales are down." becomes "Since the beginning of the NBA and NFL lockouts, jersey sales are up!"
9. "Local economies are suffering due to dwindling bar sales." becomes "Vancouver is the safest city in the world!"
8. "The arenas look like ghost towns." becomes "Game traffic is virtually non-existent. The NHL is now the greenest league!"
7. "Fans are resorting to watching KHL games." becomes "ESPN is airing the most hockey it has in a decade!"
6. "Owners staring at empty chairs." becomes "Operating costs kept to a minimum!"
5. "The players and the owners can't be in the same room with each other." becomes "League injuries are down to an all-time low!"
4. "The Hostess factories are being shut down because of unions." becomes "Martin Brodeur will be in peak physical form when the lockout is over."
3. "The Capitals can't win the Stanley Cup." becomes "The Capitals can't lose the Stanley Cup."
2. "Players are leaving to return to their home countries to play." becomes "The lockout has led to lower American unemployment!"
1. "Canceled season" becomes "rebuilding year".

Day 90 - Fan Theory

What if the lockout isn't really a lockout? What if the lockout was just a means to get the players back home to their families before the end of the world? Think about it. Hockey players are the toughest men outside of Marines and the skills they learn on the rink are very transferable to a maritime setting. What if Gary Bettman knows that a zombie apocalypse is on the horizon and our best defense lay within the players of the NHL? Ovechkin and Malkin taking up arms with AK-47s and fermented potato juice laying waste to decomposed demons from beyond the grave? Maybe at the end of it, the world will be a better place as we would have bonded in crisis. Maybe Gary Bettman isn't a douchebag. He's just trying to save us.

Day 89 - 2012-2013 NHL Awards Ceremony

This year's awards ceremony will probably be canceled, but here are my predictions anyway.

Stanley Cup - Typically awarded to the NHL playoff champion, I think this should go to the cast and crew of "The Avengers" with Stan Lee holding it up first.

Prince of Wales Trophy - Usually reserved for the Eastern Conference winner, this should go to Alabama, the Southeastern Conference champions.

Clarence S. Campbell Bowl - Handed out to the Western Conference champions. I'm picking the LA Galaxy, just because I feel sorry for them for losing David Beckham.

Presidents' Trophy - Awarded to whoever has the most points so this award would (as of now) go to Kobe Bryant, who will most likely be the highest scoring player on a team that doesn't make the playoffs. How are you only gonna beat the Wizards by six?

Hart Memorial  Trophy - Given to the league's most valuable player. This should go to Stephen Rannazzisi. That guy is hilarious. Also, if you haven't seen "The League", it's hilarious.

Lady Byng Memorial Trophy - Awarded based on sportsmanship and gentlemanly conduct, this award goes to every NHL fan for their great restraint during this lockout.

Jack Adams Award - Awarded to the coach judged to be the best in the year. This should go to Todd Richards who has not lost a game with the Blue Jacket yet.

Day 88 - How to Save the 82 Game Season

While everyone else gave up hope when the Winter Classic got canceled, I kept up my dangerous optimism which is the only the thing that has kept me sane during these horrid circumstances. My optimism is so dangerous that I still think that we can have a full 82 game season, no matter how late we start. Just hear me out. We have a couple of strategies here, all of which involve a double header. The first method is to have half-length games and just double the stats at the end and have the home team host two games that evening. This would create very exciting half paced games and would almost make up for when we didn't have hockey.

The second thing we can do is have full double or triple headers on a given day. But Jimmy, wouldn't that create problems for markets with NBA teams? As a Washington fan, I can assure you that most NBA teams aren't fully utilizing the space anyway and would not mind letting hockey players use the arena for ice rather than hardwood. This also creates a great opportunity for us to finally start combining the sports of hockey and basketball, which will further lend itself to value added markets like my Space Jam/Mighty Ducks fanfic that will finally hold merit. Michael Jordan and Emilio Estevez in the same movie? Yes!

The biggest problem with crunching so many games into such a tight schedule is travel. The third and final method would be to host the first half of the season over the course of a month in a tournamentesque format at the unused facilities at the London Olympics. It's true that none of those were hockey facilities. I think they would be easy enough to convert and I think it would give soccer fans a chance to see what a real sport looks like. Hockey is like rugby on ice. This would be great for recruiting.

This is completely doable. If not this season, then next season, when I will demand a baseball schedule of hockey games.

Day 87 - The Blizzard of Oz, An Allegary

Thanksgiving is the time of year when "The Wizard of Oz" is shown on about twenty different networks. Since I'm always about two or three weeks behind, I just watched it on my DVR, despite my mom owning a copy of it on VHS and DVD (because you can't recapture the feeling of fast forwarding those ads on a disc). There a lot of similarities between the current NHL standing and this holiday classic (most importantly, they both sync up to Pink Floyd rather nicely, especially with a dose of pumpkin pie or beer).

Let's start with the cast of characters: Dorothy, the Munchkins, the Tin Man, the Scarecrow, the Cowardly Lion, the Wicked Witch, and the Wizard. Dorothy, wanting to escape the confines of her lower class, midwestern upbringing, clearly represents either the Columbus Blue Jackets or small-market teams as a whole. The yellow brick road represents the dusty trail (Interstate 70) and the ruby red slippers are her desire to join the New York Rangers. The Munchkins represent the rookies, the unknown future of hockey, the little Pee Wees. They have very little say in future matters, but current decision making is important to their future prospects.

The Tin Man with his hollow shell, inability to budge, and lack of heart is obviously Gary Bettman. Having no brain or the ability to solve basic problems, the Scarecrow is a really good metaphor for Gary Bettman. And the Cowardly Lion, all words, but no game, is Donald Fehr. The Wicked Witch of the West, extremely ticked at how things have been going in Oz for the past couple of years, in spite of things being awesome, represents the owners. As an aside, this makes the general management the Flying Monkeys. Finally, there is the Wizard, who is completely oblivious to the needs of his constituents in Oz. He represents Gary Bettman.

If we follow the story, a young girl journeys with her friends to find her way home and get gifts to them, only to hallucinate and murder someone in the process, we can follow the similarities and predict the end of the lockout. Dorothy and company make their pleas with the Wizard (the teams pleading and Gary fighting with himself), only to be sent away. The owners (Witch) kidnap the players and then Gary Bettman has to pretend to save them (positive negotiations). Then the players offer a truce only to throw water on the witch owners, which results in the negotiation meltdown. When everybody returns to the Wizard/Gary Bettman, he offers the players the chance to return home (playing), but accidentally leaves in the balloon (purposefully leaves in a limo, never to be seen again). The players will then click their ruby skates and return to their home countries.And then there's a meaningless sequel that no one watches (the 2013-2014 season).

It's not a perfect analogy, but eerily apropos. I'll keep you posted on how this pans out.

Day 86 - Santa Claws

A mall Santa in Ontario, perhaps tired of being paid in milk and cookies or growing wearing of all the fat jokes, he lost all of his holly and jolly and let loose a barrage of insults on an unfortunate three year-old Toronto fan. I'm not sure what's sadder, a three year-old being dumped on by a season temp or despite hockey being canceled, I'm fairly sure the Maple Leafs still have a losing record. You have to feel for this kid. The following is a brief history of other holiday figures and their meltdowns in relation to hockey fans.

The Easter Bunny - April 18-19, 1987 - Fearing competition from a hockey game going into thirty-uple overtime, the Easter Bunny throws in a black egg into the wickets behind Washington goalie Bob Mason. The players are too tired to care. The Capitals team sleeps until Alex Ovechkin comes on the scene.

Stuffing The Thanksgiving Turkey - November 25, 2011 - A giant turkey tells Tim Thomas that he sucks. Not an unusual occurrence, but this turkey sounded oddly like Pavel Datsyuk.

Larry, the Labor Day Louse - September 3, 2012 - Not an actual holiday figure, just Gary Bettman laughing at all the players on loop for three hours.

Baby New Year - January 1 - Not so much a problem figure, just a rotating nickname amongst the Montreal Canadiens. This year it was Brian Gionta!

Father Time  - October 1, 1992 - Teemu Selanne wishes to be the longest lasting player ever. He regrettably neglects to wish for eternal youth or the ability to grow more than five facial hairs.

Day 85 - Top Ten Ways Hockey Fans Thinly Veil Talking About Hockey With Their Friends.

10. Talking about their strategies in gambling, often ending in: "You bet, man!"
9. Retitled "Apples-To-Apples" to "Owners-To-Players" and rewrote all the cards to various apology words
8. Refers to their bathroom as the penalty box. Also, only lets you use it for two minutes.
7. The implications of the work stoppages for the NBA and NFL and ice sports in Russia.
6. Giving you performance reviews on your conversation skills, saying you have a high save percentage.
5. Only using an intercom to conduct business, which he refers to as the Negotiable Howling Loudness PA
4. Inundating you with a barrage of insults, amazed that you can "take all the shots"
3. Telling you all about this new pizza place that offers you the best Red Wings
2. Repeatedly encourages you to come over to watch a "Face/Off" marathon
1. Coming up to you when you're trapped out of your car saying, "Locked out again? I hate lockouts." Oddly enough, he always happens to be around when you're locked out. You need new friends.

Day 84 - Hockey Atheism

There is a set of unspoken deities in the hockey realm that I wrote about in a previous post that are supposed to prevent long-term situations like this overly drawn out and overly dramatic work stoppage from happening. Slapping the face of every hockey fan out there and laughing at us as we continue to cling to the last shred of hope that there might be a tiny season (around 57 games, which calculated in minutes adds up to a short baseball game). Do I dare say it? I want to say that we are all a group of desperate fools. But nay. This is not the case at all.

While our faith goes completely unheeded and essentially ignored during these troubled times, we hold on to the long-term, the future, the unknown. You see, fellow men, while it may not happen in 2012, our glorious sport will return to us in one form or the other. Maybe teams will return will prisoners as replacement players. Maybe the players will realize the greatest times in their young lives were performing on the national stage. Maybe the owner will come to realize that these players deserve every penny they earn, even when the league is only improving profit margins by only 20% per year. We're going to survive. We're going to go to arenas, and bars, and our best friends' houses because they have a better sound system and a really big TV. We're going to come out of this and hockey will be the best it's ever been. The players will all be hungry and in great need of pummeling the crap out of something. So pray to the hockey gods. Offer them sacrifices of your favorite jersey or free giveaway item from the time the Blue Jackets visited your iceplex. Shout joy across the land for your love of the game. Hockey shall return to us! In its pure, overcommercialized splendor!

It's going to be fine. This is a time of Christmas miracles. Or the world ending.

Day 83 - It's Going, Going, Gone!

Today marked one of the many black spots of this dismal lockout. After three solid days of amicable negotiation, the talks broke down like an episode of Jerry Springer. The following is how I imagine the talks went.

Narrator:
We'd like to welcome the host of our show, Gary Bettman!

Gary Bettman:
Hi, folks. Arguing is hard. Fighting is harder Neither ever lead to the solutions or outcomes that we desire. Today on a very special "Gary Bettman Show", we'd like to introduce to our viewing audiences two sides of loving family that have been fighting for nearly three months now. Here today are three special players on a show entitled, "If You Can't Play Nice, Get Off the Ice." Everybody give a warm welcome to Alex Ovechkin, Sidney Crosby, and Ryan Miller

Audience woos.

Gary Bettman:
Thanks for coming on the show today, guys.

Sidney Crosby:
Thanks, Gary, it's a pleasure to be here.

Ryan Miller:
Yeah, we really appreciate it.

Alex Ovechkin:
Da, I love flyink to United States. Truly honor to be here in between goals in Russia.

Gary Bettman:
Don't you mean games?

Alex Ovechkin:
No, I mean goals. I vil score two seconds after I step off plane in Moscow. My team wins by three. Even goalie will get point after I shoot puck off his mask.

Gary Bettman:
So what do you guys think the major problem here is?

Sidney Crosby:
Well, Gary, the heart of the problem seems to be aboot communication.

Ryan Miller:
Yeah, I'm gonna agree with Sid. We tried our best to meet the owners halfway to get a season started here for the fans and the owners just don't want to listen.

Alex Ovechkin:
I tell my fellow players that in Russia, the best negotiation tactic ees skullbashing. They say, "Wait until Winter Classic gets canceled." By that time, I'm already back in Russia. So, I pretend someone else is owner and bash their skull. I use it for pillow that night.

Gary Bettman:
This is a question just for Ryan Miller. Ryan, what do you think you would do if Terrence Pegula was here right now?

Ryan Miller:
I would probably shake his hand and thank him for the opportunity to play on his team for so many years and try to tell him that he and the other owners should try again.

Gary Bettman:
Well, we have a surprise for you, Ryan. Terrence Pegula is in the back and wants to talk things out right now.

Enter Terrence Pegula.
Audience cheers and shouts. Ryan Miller looks disgusted and surprised. He extends his hand and Terrence Pegula extends his hand. Then, Ryan Miller sucker punches Terrence Pegula. Audience yells, "Gary, Gary, Gary" in succession.

Ryan Miller (at Gary Bettman):
What the *bleep*?

Audience encourages the fight. Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby stand up to defend their hockey brother. Audience continues to yell, "Gary, Gary, Gary".

Ryan Miller (at Terrence Pegula):
Let's go, you *bleep*!

Ryan Miller goes low with a punch.

Terrence Pegula:
You call that a hit? If that's what you were going for, then "No, Goal!"

Ryan Miller is riled up and grabs a chair.Security separates everybody and Gary calms everybody down.

Gary Bettman:
Okay. Okay. All right.

Ryan Miller:
Do you see what we *bleep* have to *bleep* deal with on a daily *bleep* basis?

Gary Bettman:
It's okay. That's why we're here. We're here to talk.

Ryan Miller:
There's nothing to talk about.

Gary Bettman:
I'm sure Terrence doesn't feel the same way.

Terrence Pegula:
If you guys would quit being such whiners about getting paid.

Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby glare into his soul.

Terrence Pegula:
I mean, if you guys would behave like civilized people instead of unpotty-trained monkeys.

Ryan Miller:
You can't talk to these guys.

Gary Bettman:
Let's keep it civil, gentlemen. Now, Alex.

Alex Ovechkin:
Da.

Gary Bettman:
You liked Ted Leonsis?

Alex Ovechkin:
Yes, funny man. Once put paycheck in vodka and lit it on fire. Crazy thing is, only vodka burn. Waste of vodka, but hilarious joke.

Gary Bettman:
Well, Ted would like to make amends for the distraught trauma he's caused so far.

Alex Ovechkin looks quizzical and nonplussed. Ted Leonsis walks out with cheap vodka and a lit contract and high-fives Terrence Pegula while the audience shouts. Ovechkin grabs the vodka and pummels Leonsis and Pegula in a one-two motion. Audience shouts, "Gary, Gary, Gary."

Alex Ovechkin:
I'm going to send you to AO-Hell, Leonsissy!

Sidney Crosby:
Good one, Alex.

Alex Ovechkin:
Shut up, Crybaby Crosby!

Sidney Crosby:
Don't get mad at me you cupless bastard!

Sidney Crosby attempts to low blow Ovechkin only to find that there is in fact a cup.

Alex Ovechkin:
I always wear a cup when I know I'm going to be around you and your girlfriend, Craig Adams.

Sidney Crosby:
*Bleep* you, Oven Chicken!

Gary Bettman calms down the raucous players and crowd.

Gary Bettman:
Sidney, Sidney, Sidney. There's no need to take it this far.

Sidney Crosby:
But he started...

Gary Bettman:
No, no. Sit down. Because I have a surprise for you, too.

Sidney Crosby:
Oh, no.

Gary Bettman:
It's the man himself. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, Mario Lemieux!

Mario Lemieux attempts to hug Crosby.

Sidney Crosby:
I'll give you the old one-up, Mario!

Sidney Crosby flips off Mario Lemieux. Not wanted to be as cordial, Mario Lemieux goes to punch Crosby, misses and hits Ryan Miller instead. Terrence Pegula and Ted Leonsis double team Gary Bettman.

Gary Bettman:
And now time for my final thought. Battles with words and fists are never a good way to solve any problem. Both parties end up worse than when they came in and the hurt feelings never really go away. Solve your problems like grown-ups. With words. And video games. Good night.

End scene

Day 82 - Top Ten Negotiation Tactics Attempted This Go Around

10. Passing around an "We concede all conditions to the owners" petition for all players to sign disguised as a "Free Ice Cream on Mondays" campaign.
9. Making an offer to only cap Ilya Kovalchuk's contracts to five years.
8. Producing a Hallmark card that says, "I'm sorry I locked you out three times in my tenure. Friends?"
7. The owners paying their head butlers to get on their knees and beg the players to come back.
6. Attempting to allow free agency under the agreement that free means the players don't get paid.
5. Stating that Columbus will never host an All-Star Game. It will only be played in major cities.
4. Road trip movies will no longer be limited to "The Mighty Ducks". Will now include the whole trilogy and the cartoon!
3. Threatening to expand the AHL to Canada, Russia, and Europe.
2. The Bugs Bunny Reversal: Starting an argument with the players, "You want to come back?" "No, we don't." "You do." "We don't." "You do." "We don't." "You don't." "We do!"
1. To eliminate travel, Winnipeg will either be moved to a new division or a new geographical location.

Day 81 - Hope Glimmers Like an Anglerfish

For two days, the players and the owners have set aside their differences and actually made some progress towards saving what may come to be an abject failure at negotiations, but they gave me a glint of hope and wonder and I'm clinging to it like mold...on...bread. It's been 81 grueling days. Give me a break. Speaking of 81, that's close to 82 which is the number of games we will not be having this season.

Word on the street is that the threshold is 60 games for the NHL to get 100% of revenues from their sponsors, but 60 games would be a little heavy for the players and a hard schedule to maintain and plan at this juncture. In the literature I've read, 56 games seems like the likely choice. It will certainly compress things and make for a Usain Bolt paced run for the Stanley Cup playoffs, but this lack of hockey is really starting to ruin my winter schedule. I'm forced to find actual productive things to do with my free time. I was made aware of a little cretin named Honey Boo Boo, an act which would not have occurred if hockey had existed and arguably, the players can take care of on their return.

Hopefully the players aren't caving in too harshly, but just enough so we can some of the ice sport before year's end.

Day 80 - College Bowl Game Predictions, Part 2

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl: Vanderbilt Commodores vs. NC State Wolfpack
NC State wins because they're a second half team and after the National Anthem and the announcement of the bowl, it will be the second half.

Hyundai Sun Bowl: Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets vs. USC Trojans
The weak USC Trojans beat the weak Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets in a weak bowl game sponsored by a weak company.

Autozone Liberty Bowl: Iowa State Cyclones vs. Tulsa Golden Hurricane
If this were to have any headlines, it would probably be "The Blow Bowl", ironic since both teams suck.

Chick-fil-A Bowl: Clemson Tigers vs. LSU Tigers
Clemson manages to hold LSU to 88 points, beating oddsmakers and the spread by 40.

TaxSlayer.com Gator Bowl: Mississippi State Bulldogs vs. Northwestern Wildcats
This is a bowl that sounds like it was sponsored by a recovering WoW addict. Northwestern wins and a rivalry does not emerge to the dismay of fans everywhere.

Heart of Dallas Bowl: Purdue Boilermakers vs. Oklahoma State Cowboys
Oklahoma State shuts out Purdue. Of the stadium. And then takes Dallas. And waits.

Capital One Bowl: Georgia Bulldogs vs. Nebraska Cornhuskers
Georgia begins every drive in Nebraska's red zone, which is their own 20 yard line and then fails to convert when making it into their own red zone, Nebraska's five yard line. This game is won by the best team's defense, since they're the only ones able to stop crying.

Outback Bowl: South Carolina Gamecocks vs. Michigan Wolverines
Michigan wins after being down by four touchdowns when Hugh Jackman shows up.

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic: Texas A&M Aggies vs. Oklahoma Sooners
No matter what, after this game, the Dallas Cowboys can say that a winning team has played in their stadium.

BBVA Compass Bowl: Pittsburgh Panthers vs. Ole Miss Rebels
With both teams at 6-6, this is the "Thank God FCS Opponent Wins Count" Bowl. Pittsburgh loses after confusing the state of Alabama with the state of Mississippi and being really late

GoDaddy.com Bowl: Kent State Golden Flashes vs. Arkansas State Red Wolves
Kent State wins after giving Arkansas State a couple of golden flashes.

Rose Bowl presented by Vizio: Stanford Cardinal vs. Wisconsin Badgers
Wisconsin loses after facing their worst enemy yet. The sun.

Discover Orange Bowl: Northern Illinois Huskies vs. Florida State Seminoles
Florida State wins since the contract with Satan only had the NIU Huskies making it to the Orange Bowl.

Allstate Sugar Bowl: Louisville Cardinals vs. Florida Gators
Why does the Big East get an automatic bid? Because it's tradition. Why will Louisville lose? Because it's tradition.

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl: Kansas State Wildcats vs. Oregon Ducks.
The "We Were So Close" invitational. Oregon was one overtime away and Kansas State was a mere four touchdowns from a chance at the title. Tragic.

Discover BCS National Championship: Notre Dame Fighting Irish vs. Alabama Crimson Tide
Alabama only wins by 21 after spending the first three quarters playing "Monkey in the Middle" with the Irish defense.

Day 79 - College Bowl Game Predictions, Part 1

With hockey still under the radar at the moment, I've decided to focus my ire onto the absurdity of college football. All 1005 of this season's bowl games were announced on Sunday and I'm hear to offer my sharp analysis into how teams will perform in their respective postseason blunders. Here we go:

Gildan New Mexico Bowl: Nevada Wolf Pack vs. Arizona Wildcats

Arizona loses this game after it changes its conference to join Kentucky, Kansas State, LSU, Auburn, and Clemson to form the Wildcats-Tigers Conference.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl: Toledo Rockets vs. Utah State Aggies

This bowl gets won by whatever team is first able to find Idaho on a map. My guess is Toledo, since Ohio is like the Idaho of the midwest. Nobody really cares about it except for that one football game.

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl: San Diego State Aztecs vs. BYU Cougars

The BYU Cougars win the game, but lose $1.25 plus applicable fees on every touchdown.

Beef 'O'Brady's Bowl St. Petersburg: Ball State Cardinals vs. UCF Knights

The Ball State's students spelling skills are put to the test as they face the UCF Knights. They fail miserably.

R+L Carriers New Orleans Bowl: East Carolina Pirates vs. Louisiana-Layfayette Ragin' Cajuns

ECU will probably win. My confusion lies in the fact that R+L Carriers has failed to make use of a tie-in with the Carrier Dome.

Maaco Bowl Las Vegas: Boise State Broncos vs. Washington Huskies

The odds are: no one will watch this game.

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl: SMU Mustangs vs. Fresno State Bulldogs

Southern Methodist blows out the Fresno State Bulldogs in overexcitement when finding out that Hawaii does not have the death penalty.

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl: WKU Hilltoppers vs. Central Michigan Chippewas

The Central Michigan team is able to get under the skin of the Hilltoppers, saying something about their cheerleaders and/or their moms being hot and ready.

Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman: San Jose State Spartans vs. Bowling Green Falcons

Finally, a WAC-MAC showdown but both teams immediately lose for not being military institutions and for having to play at RFK Stadium. 

Belk Bowl: Duke Blue Devils vs. Cincinnati Bearcats

After figuring the world would end for making a bowl, Duke loses in the wake of its confusion as to making a bowl.

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl: Baylor Bears vs. UCLA Bruins

Somehow a for-profit education institution making money off of the poor public schools seems appropriate. UCLA devastates the Baylor Bears, embarrassing the students enough to consider online classes.

Advocare V100 Independence Bowl: Ohio Bobcats vs. Louisiana-Monroe Warhawks

The only people watching this game will be those lost going home from the R+L Carriers Bowl.

Russell Athletic Bowl: Virginia Tech Hokies vs. Rutgers Scarlet Knights

Both teams forfeit after fans skip the game to go to Disney World instead.

Meineke Car Care Bowl of Texas: Minnesota Golden Gophers vs. Texas Tech Red Raiders

Both teams feature tongue twisting mascot names, a fact which is as irrelevant as this bowl game.

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl: Rice Owls vs. Air Force Falcons

This matchup is much funnier if you think about the Air Force Falcons as an 80s wrestling faction and the Rice Owls as a chocolate Easter candy.

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl: Arizona State Sun Devils vs. Navy Midshipmen

All charitable contributions go towards the Sun Devils and Midshipmen's Golden Corral funds and after the game, they are going to kick the living crap out of hunger. 

New Era Pinstripe Bowl: Syracuse Orange vs. West Virginia Mountaineers

This game features Syracuse in Yankees throwback uniforms and West Virginia in Mets throwback uniforms playing a throwback 2000 World Series game so the Yankees can feel good about choking in this year's playoffs.

Valero Alamo Bowl: Texas Longhorns vs. Oregon State Beavers

History takes a back seat in this game as players are paid to say "Remember the Alamo, sponsored by Valero?" Oregon State wins by not busting out into laughter as often as Texas.

Buffalo Wild Wings Bowl: Michigan State Spartans vs. TCU Horned Frogs

This is a high scoring matchup as both teams battle for the right to go home as quickly as possible.

Day 78 - A New Idea For Replacements: Figure Skaters

Not knowing anything about the industry of figure skating, I'm basing this entire article that they really don't do much of anything for the four years between Olympics except for excruciatingly training for sixteen hours a day to classical music. Knowing all of that, figure skaters would be perfect as temporary replacements for hockey teams in some small form of scrub league. It would be perfect! Clearly, they have the grueling training schedule down, so we would just have to condition them to a terrible travel schedule, so we would mimic the trail seen by the teams in the Southeast Division. Figure skaters are known for their eloquence, demeanor, and finesse, none of which is at all useful to hockey players, so we would just have to dope them up with the leftover steroids from Major League Baseball or the Flyers-Pens playoff series this year. Figure skaters are already used to wearing terribly outlandish uniforms, so we'd drum up the uniforms the Sabres wore in 2006 for their personal use. As far as I know, figure skating doesn't pay very well and figure skaters aren't very appreciated outside of a rink, so these new found players would very quickly find themselves in the hearts of the owners. Finally, I think hearing "What Would Brian Boitano Do" or some derivation thereof would be an instant institution and bring in a new cadre of fans to the game.

Day 77 - College Football Championships

Since everyday is a slow news day for a sport that isn't being played, save for the land of Moose and Squirrel and the land of Sickle and Hammer and whatever Europe is famous for (wine and whining?), we will focus our attention to a sport which causes an entirely different kind of heartbreak, college football. Not the whole set, just, you know, the teams that people want to watch, Division 1-A (or Football Bowl Subdivision).

With a number of teams being out of the postseason for a number of reasons: getting caught paying players (Miami), not getting along well with children (UNC), getting along too well with children (Penn State), this lead to some very interesting match-ups for the conference finals. In the ACC, Georgia Tech played Florida State selling a record for the highest number of $2 seats sold in Charlotte, NC outside of an NBA game. The Big East offered up a game of Russian Roulette where whoever lost got to go to the Orange Bowl to face an SEC team. Tomorrow, we'll get to find out if that's Georgia or Florida. Alabama beat Georgia on the final play, describing victory as something that seem miles away, but really it's only five yards. The Big 10/12/10 saw Wisconsin crush the dreams, hopes, and spirits and the Cornhuskers and their next three generations. Wisconsin goes to the Rose Bowl to face Stanford, who won the Pac-12 without John Elway. Good for them.

Coming soon! The travesty that is the 100 bowl games that are to be played.

Day 76 - Federal Intervention Fails

Like most interventions by the government, this week's undertaking by Federal Mediators proved to be an abject failure. These were the same people that were able to convince NFL fans that football was a sport and that the owners should not treat their players like cattle. The mediation ended as quickly as it began and I only imagine it was due to a very low key and apathetic dialogue, akin to the peer-reviewed mediation sessions we had in our elementary school. The teacher would get some scrawny, awkward overachiever to sit down with the two bullies who were encroaching on each other's drug routes and hallways and try to convince them that they were both people and should just hug it out.

In any case, this was a complete failure and about the 99th final nail in the coffin so that the corpse of the 2012-2013 NHL season looks like an overused hunk of Swiss cheese. ESPN almost makes this bearable by limiting their hockey knowledge to that little tid bit about the girl from "The Office" who played field hockey for some Ivy League school. Thanks, ESPN, for keeping me deluded.

Day 75 - This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

In one of the most bizarre instances that has happened during this lockout, earlier this week, Red Wings prospect Riley Sheahan was arrested earlier this week for drunk driving and wearing a Teletubby costume, which ranks somewhere in between Gary Bettman's hair cut and canceling an entire season of hockey on the level of hockey oddities. This driving under the influence (and visage) of Tinky Winky offense will assuredly open up the doors of hockey players and their creepy interpretations of beloved childhood heroes, including, but not limited to:

The Sedin Twins dressing as Bananas in Pajamas when the NHL inevitably moves to Britain.

The Staal Brothers portraying the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, every time they come to visit Jared Staal in his "sub-basement" apartment.

Rick Nash holds his breath to pull off his impeccable Captain Planet impersonation.

Jarome Iginla goes a little overboard with the Molson and punches everybody as his favorite character "Dudley Do-Fight".

The All Star Teams performing a Care Bear Stare after Stan Lee tells American Greetings that the NHL will cross-over with just about anything.

Day 74 - Federal Intervention

It was announced earlier in the week that federal mediation would begin to bring both sides into an agreement quickly and swiftly and expediently. In order to bring about a most fast solution, I can only assume they brought in Walker, Texas Ranger. Not Chuck Norris, but Sergeant Cordell Walker as played by Chuck Norris. My memory's a little fuzzy as to how he solved problems, but I assume it was some kind of Batman-esque code about not using guns to kill somebody and then a lot of martial arts. Maybe it wasn't so much a code inasmuch as it was his eyes did all the negotiation, like you were playing "Stare Eyes" only if you blink, you lose your life or a more prized possession. In this negotiation, that means if Gary Bettman blinks, he loses all the southern based teams to Canadian cities wanting their own squadrons. This will certainly be an amazing battle of wills and maybe Cordell Walker will let Bettman think he's winning for a little bit, just for roundhouse kicks and giggles.

Good luck getting the two sides to agree, Sergeant Cordell Walker. You have your work cut out for you.

Day 73 - How the Mascots are Faring, Part 2

If hockey mascots could shed tears, they would sent to Major League Baseball.

Sabretooth the Sabre-Toothed Tiger (Buffalo Sabres) - Currently the final obstacle at a local putt-putt course, waits for you to hit your ball and says, "No hole."

S.J. Sharkie (San Jose Sharks) - Utilizing his blood-smelling abilities, Gary Bettman is using him as a negotiation tactic.

Slapshot the Eagle (Washington Capitals) - Doesn't notice that his underachieving hockey team isn't there, is too busy watching his underachieving basketball team.

Sparky the Dragon (New York Islanders) - Just wishes the lockout would end or Arena Football was interesting.

Spartacat the Lion (Ottawa Senators) - Went viral after his meme "This is Spartacat" went public.

Stanley C. Panther (Florida Panthers) - Teaching a workshop the Alexander Semin philosophy at his "Semin-ar": Work 60% of the Time 100% of the Time.

Stinger the Yellow Jacket (Columbus Blue Jackets) - The current 12th man for Georgia Tech. Also, the 9th, 10th, and 11th.

Stormy the Ice Hog (Carolina Hurricanes) - Is pitching his "Babe Vs. Gordy" script to Hollywood.

Thunderbug the...Bug (Tampa Bay Lightning) - Is finding mild success in bolstering Oklahoma City's NBA team.

Tommyhawk the Hawk (Chicago Blackhawks) - In counseling after a viewing of "Tommyknockers" made him want to put a tommy-gun to his head.

Wildwing the Duck (Anaheim Ducks) - Is joining Rocky, Colt, and Tum-Tum in a new "3 Ninjas" movie.

Youppi the Grammatical Symbol (Montreal Canadiens) - Sadly could not take a hint when sent back to the Expos.

Blades the Bruin (Boston Bruins) - Spends his time in LA, got Shabazz Muhammad his eligibility for the season.

Filip the Flyer (Philadelphia Flyers) - Just a piece of paper that advertised games with a menacing face drawn on the back, now serves as goalie coach for the Norfolk Admirals.

Tommy the Green Ranger (New York Rangers) - Is now an MMA fighter.

Day 72 - How the Mascots are Faring, Part 1

Nobody has had it worse than the fans. Second in line are the mascots, who are completely lost without a clamoring congregation to conduct and toss t-shirts to. Here's are what some of them are doing in their free time.

Al the Octopus (Detroit Red Wings)- With his eight arms extended, now serves as Gary Bettman's right hand man with determining which direction to take the NHL.

Bailey the Lion (Los Angeles Kings) - Works part time as the MGM mascot. Is up for the part of Aslan in an upcoming Narnia film.

Bernie the St. Bernard (Colorado Avalanche) - Like a good St. Bernard, brings flasks of alcohol to lost fans.

Carlton the Bear (Toronto Maple Leafs) - Started an initiative to get "Noozles" back on Nickelodeon.

Fin the Whale (Vancouver Canucks) - Was picked up by SeaWorld who attached a cardboard dorsal fin on him and now touts him as the world's largest shark.

Gnash the Sabre-Toothed Tiger (Nashville Predators) - With the arena operated by a low-key staff and barely any visible fans, Gnash assumes this is business as usual.

Harvey the Hound (Calgary Flames) - Just like the Flames, has already burnt out for the season.

Howler the Coyote (Phoenix Coyotes) - The subject of a Sarah McLachlan documentary, still looking for someone to adopt him.

Iceburgh the Penguin (Pittsburgh Penguins) - Found a spot on the Steelers defense after campaigning, "I will sink quarterbacks like the Titanic."

Louie the Blue Polar Bear (St. Louis Blues) - Has been taken by the ASPCA for observation until he returns to his natural white.

Mick E. Moose (Winnipeg Jets) - Was last seen hanging out with Danny Duck and Fluke Skyrunner at Wally World.

N.J. Devil (New Jersey Devil) - Sits atop Donald Fehr's left shoulder to assist him with negotiations.

Nordy the Toxic Space Mutant Bear Fox (Minnesota Wild) - After taking a 20% pay cut, quit his job to go work at a Chuck E. Cheese's.

Coronus the Solar Flare (Dallas Stars) - Hired as a temp at a local solar cell plant.

Derek the Grease Monkey (Edmonton Oilers) - Helps Taylor Hall, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins, and Nail Yakupov with their driving lessons.

Day 71 - NHL Lockout's Three Stars: Week 10

Number Three - Philadelphia Flyers
Succeeded in not fighting or killing anybody since the start of the lockout. Philly as a city has actually been doing really well. Good job, Philly!

Number Two - Donald Fehr
Is on a 71 day streak for unsuccessful negotiations, scored his first hat trick by having three counterproposals  thrown away in the same set of labor negotiations, may break Martin Brodeur's record of shots against if angry fans keep tweeting insults.

Number One - Gary Bettman
Successfully held the league to zero games from the beginning of the season to the middle of December for the first time since '04-'05. On pace for the most broken-hearted fan base since David Beckham left England.

Day 70 - For Whom the Bell Trolls...

All games through the 14th of December have been canceled. The All-Star Game in Columbus has been canceled. Firefly was canceled. That was years ago and not caused by any lockout, but like this year's NHL season, it should be airing on a consistent basis. The next move noted by some is for the NHLPA to decertify. This would dissolve the union's ability to collectively bargain, but it would allow for basically a class action law suit against the NHL owners for a mass violation of contracts, since, depending on the legal ruling, the league would basically have no anti-trust exemptions, as there would be thirty competitors in the market. What do the players stand to lose in this chaotic scenario with no salary cap, no entry draft, and all free market agency? There would be no medical benefits or pensions.

Decertification in these lockouts always seems to be a desperate move to return to the game and one that permanently alters the future for the players of these leagues. Unions seem necessary in the sports world to keep players from being treated like cattle, which doesn't stop that from happening, but players can at least operate under the illusion that they are a name and not a number when there's a Player's Association. On the other hand, Donald Fehr seems to want to relive his childhood memories of canceling baseball, probably in an effort to see if hockey can survive one more blow. Like Goro from Mortal Kombat, the NHL can survive just about anything you can throw at it, but I'd much prefer to see this season than to not see it.

So I guess my bipolar response is: don't decertify and please crunch 82 games between December 15th and June 20th. 

Day 69 - Parliamentary, my dear Pahlsson

Overwhelmed with the agony of an overdrawn and prolonged lockout, the Canadian players of the game took it upon themselves to complain to the highest authority outside of their maternal attachments, the Parliament. Honestly, the players would have been better off starting an Internet petition that said "Bring Back the Hockey" or writing a letter to Aslan begging him to bring back Canada's beloved pastime, but you can't blame the stick-wielding jocks for trying their best to get any form of intervention on this work stoppage. I doubt the Parliament even has time to address the NHL players, with their domestic policy priorities mostly laying with gender equality and creating a force of Womounties and a strong female labor force that can bring home the Canadian bacon, as much as a man. If Manon Rheaume isn't doing anything, maybe she can open the doors for the fellas, getting them to bring more female goalies to the sport in the process.

Anyway, here's what the letter read:
Dear Government Dudes:
We totally want to play hockey again and we're not going to take no for an answer or any forms of no, like "not a chance" or "negative" or "not yes" or "nuh-uh" or "maybe, with a but". And we really mean it this time. We're the only league in all of professional sports that gets games canceled like a Fox TV show. We would like for you to step in and talk to Gary Bettman and tell him to stop being a meanie. It's not fair to our fans, local businesses, our wallets, anybody. We all feel the pain of the insensitive Bettman and want you to talk or beat some sense into him with your phenomenal government powers.
Thanks so much, Government Dudes.
Signed,
Hockey

Day 68 - Thanksgiving

The players took a day off from hockey to give thanks for the incredible seasons they've been having with their teams. There was an incredible display of humility as these athletic celebrities returned home to the quaint small towns that raised them into their modern day machinations, glancing at rinks that used to seem miles wide to their wide-eyed childhood incarnations. As the players graciously passed around their weight in turkey, potatoes, cranberry sauce, green beans, and pie, they took to heart the friends and families that made them who they are today and gave thanks for the blessings to play a game for indescribable amounts of money in front of the full gamut of adoring fans that love them even in the worst of times. Traditions that at first seem trivial are revitalized in the light of sibling rivalry and good old fashioned competition. The night ends with the happiness that comes with the holidays in the warmth and comfort of the familiar and secure.

This post was brought to you by the Elitserien, the Swedish Elite League, in celebration of Thanksgiving. I assume Black Friday sales include tons of meatballs.

Day 67 - The Rhythm of Doldrums

The Players' Association met today with a proposal that was immediately shot down. The season is seriously in question as this stalemate continues. There has been very little progress made since the start of this lockout, unless you count outlandish offers and childish name progress, in which case, tons of progress has been made and hockey will start tomorrow.

I can't imagine this has been at all healthy for the Canadian entertainment economy, which has now probably been reduced to documentaries on moose hunting and reality shows that follow the exciting lives of Mounties, which is just the Canadian equivalent of a suburban cop, scouring the streets for hardened cats that ferociously hang out on neighbors' trees, much to the chagrin of grandma. Hockey was really the only thing Canada had going for it, other than the renaming and reselling of American meats in a circular format. Perhaps I should start an Egg McMuffin campaign so Gary Bettman doesn't bankrupt the poor country of Canada.

Day 66 - Stanley Bowl

Earlier today, a Toronto Maple Leafs fan spent $5300 on a toilet that came from the illustrious Maple Leaf Gardens home dressing room. After being outbid on a Stanley Cup banner, assumed to be for the Maple Leafs organization, his attention changed to this capricious commode, a divine derriere dump, truly a legend in the world of bathroom fixtures. Here's a list of the top ten things people have ever wasted money on in regards to hockey items.

10. $3200 - shower fixture from Joe Louis Arena.

9. $1000 - plunger from Madison Square Garden

8. $5400 - a toilet that came from the Maple Leafs Gardens away dressing room.

7. $5 - for ten years' worth of Columbus Blue Jackets season tickets.

6. $5 - anything related to the Columbus Blue Jackets.

5. $50 - NHL 13. Mine didn't include Ovechkin and Backstrom playing for the Dynamo Moscow

4. $1200 - yearly property insurance in Vancouver.

3. $100,000,000 - Ilya Kovalchuk's contract that puts him playing in the NHL until 2350, when by then all hockey players will have been replaced by genetically engineered alien cyborgs.

2. $1000 - the bet I made in a pool that hockey would be back by now.

1. $200 - what every Caps fan spent on Eastern Conference Champions t-shirts every year from 2009-2012.

Day 65 - All Quiet on the Weastern Front

Today, the NHL and the NHLPA met for about two hours talking about essentially nothing. This Seinfeldian approach to bargaining probably devolved into a discussion about the minutiae of the various types of bagels and cream cheeses available at coffee shops in New York. According to reliable sources on the Internet and Facebook and Twitter (friends of friends of friends whose dad totally worked on Sidney Crosby when he had that concussion thing), this week is the make or break week for the NHL meaning we either get a shortened hockey season like in the nineties or the first lockout sequel in major league sports history, which means Disney or every B-movie studio should totally buy the rights to this thing now. As usual, I will keep you posted on the dial-up speed of negotiations. Waiting for this lockout to end is like waiting for AOL to download something in 1995. 

Day 64 - NHL Lockout: The Musical!

Once the lockout is all said and done, I'm sure this horrendous experiment will be translated across all media: book, video game, movie, song, and musical. Reaching out to the core demographic of hockey fans who are into Broadway musicals, I'm writing the future review (not a preview, this writing assumes somebody watched this travesty of showstopping musical numbers and contrite plot lines loosely basing the actual storyline on anything that was remotely close resembling reality).

Bryan Adams and Barishnokov's long lost nephew star as Sidney Crosby and Alex Ovechkin, two buddies who are shocked to find that their favorite after school activity is being brought down by the the Evil Empire of Owners ("Locked Out of Time"). Donald Fair, local legend and up and coming law star, decides to handle the case, taking on his former schoolmate, Gary Bettman ("You Can Bet on Bettman"). Henrik and Daniel Sedin are portrayed by the twin boys from "Full House", the ones that were supposed to replace Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen, until they were found to be way too profitable to be replaced. Anyway, they play bumbling idiots that represent the interest of the players ("Twinteresting Tweets"). Act One closes in a chorus of all the players during "The Game is Gamed and the Players are Played", as fans break out into a riot and destroy the downtowns of their favorite major American and Canadian cities.

Act Two begins with a depressed Crosby and Ovechkin playing hockey in a small town, devoid of life and humanity, Albany, New York. This leads to their part time job as rankers for Olympic hopefuls ("Figure Raters"). Defeated and undergoing depression, the two lads find hope in the most heartfelt number in the show. The number "Revenual Renewal: Sharing is Caring" performed by Justin Bieber in his Broadway debut, representing Morgan Reilly, describes his plan to better things for the small market teams. This leads to the players marching on Toronto. Everything comes to a hilt when Gary Bettman wins the Irish lottery in an e-mail and welcomes all the players back to the major leagues ("Record Break-Even Point").

Playing at the Rockefeller Center, this musical shows that two guys can make a difference, even in a world where everything is going against them. I give it three out of five stars. The musical numbers were creative and accessible to even the most casual of hockey/musical fans. The storyline is rather engaging and the actors playing the hockey players looked real. Oh, they were played be real hockey players? Ah. Don't slip up and miss this musical! Buy season tickets as this show is contractually obligated not to get canceled.

Day 63 - Teemu Selanne May Retire

The Iron Man of hockey, Teemu Selanne, may not return to play for the NHL if this lockout cancels the entire season. Hockey's centaganarian has decided that his storied eighty year career, a career which covers every Gary Bettman lockout, a strike, and some minor inconveniences when the concession stands were short-staffed, will no longer be worth the wear and tear on his hip replacement for his hip replacement, his hand-cranked pacemaker, or his vintage dentures. In his defense, his Model T does not run as well as it used to. This is a god among men and a notable loss to the NHL if he does not return to professional hockey. He will reportedly be spending more time with his kids, volunteering, and playing for the Ottawa Senators.

Day 62 - The Two Week Break

The lockout is looking less like a discussion between men and more like the rules of engagement of your average 90s teenage drama. James Van Der Beek did not deal with as much lunacy and irrational negotiation. A two week break accomplishes nothing. Maybe the two sides should finally get together and agree to see other leagues. This pettiness grows weary on this writer.

Day 61 - Nobody Talks

It started with a whisper. This swelled into the voices of millions of screaming fans that were suddenly silenced. This roller coaster of a lockout has taken a downward turn as the players and both sides have decided that the most healthy course of action is to stop talking to each other and pretend like nothing's wrong, like a high school couple that's broken up. (The NHLPA has reportedly defriended the NHL on Facebook, but is telling the NFL, NBA, and MLB that everything's fine, they're just going through some things.)

With this stunned silence comparable to Oilers fans when their team wins a game comes the threat that this season may very well be cooked, maybe a little overdone, maybe next year try basting it with the tears of fans every half hour to keep the season moist and edible. Maybe I'm looking at this the wrong way and the lack of communication is more comparable to a wedding, where the groom can't see the bride. Well, owners, no peeking at the players too soon or you will doom hockey forever and even with the two-line pass  stripe splitting rinks, it's still pretty hard to cut up arenas two ways (mostly because NBA players would rather not be averse to playing three-on-three half court in Los Angeles).

The fans of pro hockey beg both sides to come to an agreement soon.

Day 60 - Traditions Suck Ice

Earlier today it was reported that a local high school hockey league in Pennsylvania would be removing the National Anthem from the sequence of game events to save time, robbing some poor tone-deaf, American Idol hopeful of some practice and providing all of sixty seconds of extra time to the refs, families, and players. Here are the top ten ways that hockey arenas are saving time during their games:

10. Convincing everyone Daylight Savings Time has ended in the middle of the second period and calling the game right there.
9. Only calling penalties when somebody bleeds.
8. Outlawing bleeding.
7. Taking a minute off the clock every time somebody misses a shot on goal. Rangers games will last five minutes.
6. Shortening intermission to five minutes, giving the t-shirt crew enough time to launch one tank top.
5. Using Columbus Blue Jackets timekeepers to keep the clocks going during face-offs, time-outs, and commercials.
4. Eliminating the puck over the glass rule and keeping play going.
3. Calling the mercy rule when teams go up 4-0, limiting the time for Flyers-Pens games and Devils-Kings games.
2. Only calling offsides or icing if the puck ends up on the other side of a different rink.
1. Calling no-goal for points that would tie the game and a double goal for points that would end the game.

Day 59 - Blades of Reel

It occurs to me that we haven't had a real hockey movie in a number of years and we haven't had a good movie based on a video game in a number of ever, so it's high time that the fume-filled idea tank that the car of Hollywood runs on finally makes a movie based on the NES classic, "Blades of Steel". My movie would be called "Blades of Steel", about a group of misguided youth, who after fencing some iPhones and Macbooks (the real money is in Apple products), they are sentenced to community service cleaning a local ice rink. They, of course, develop a fondness for the ice and are naturals at the game. Taking place in either Pittsburgh or Detroit, they come across privileged youth whose parents are going to destroy their new found home to make way for either a new subdivision, an Apple store (IRONY!) or a toxic waste factory (there's a huge market for people who love manufactured toxic waste). For some reason, this all depends on the outcome of a pick-up game of hockey and the kids are taught by some out-of-work actor, like Jeff Daniels. What's he been doing? He's hilarious. And would make a great coach. And he leads them to victory. And then there's a montage of what everyone's doing.

I need contacts in Hollywood. This is brilliant.

Day 58 - So Shines a Good Deed...

Steve Fehr has reported that a deal that ends the lockout might not be too far off, which puts one shiny glimmer of hope into this dismal and abysmal mess. From what Sidney Crosby has said, it sounds like all the players had to do was make some serious concessions, like giving up pay and concessions. This is good news as my fantasy football team is an abject failure and my football football team is an abject failure.

If passed, the NHL hopes for a 70 game season. What would that look like? Off the top of my head, I feel like each team would have six games against intradivisional opponents (twenty-four total), four games against intraconference, nonintradivisional opponents (forty games total), and six games against interconference opponents. With very little Western Conference opponents and Adam Oates' offensive minded strategy, the Washington Capitals would have their best chance of showing up for the playoffs in years.

Please be right, Steve Fehr.

http://sports.yahoo.com/news/no-progress-made-round-nhl-101226439--nhl.html

Day 57 - Happy Veteran's Day

Today, we pay tribute to the players that dedicated their lives to the game, taking it through it's ups and downs, and really should have quit years ago.

Sean O'Donnell - One of the lesser knowns of the NHL, he took an interesting approach to winning a Stanley Cup by basically touring with every team until one of them won a Stanley Cup.

Jaromir Jagr - Best known for being one of the most overpaid players for the Washington Capitals, never helping them to win a Stanley Cup, a mistake the Capitals vowed never to make again on a Czech player.

Teemu Selanne - In 2012, was the oldest player to make 20 goals, which was mostly items scratched off of his bucket list.


Martin Brodeur - Having broken most of Patrick Roy's records, still chasing his dream of scoring more goals than Ron Hextall.

Dwayne Roloson - Loves to regale kiddies with the tales of what hockey was like during the disco era.

Day 56 - An Informal Lunch

Continuing their less than noteworthy negotiations, the owners and players met up for an informal lunch on Saturday. What is an informal lunch for the upper class? Generic brand escargot that is slightly more than a day old, domestic wine from the current year, in a location that can hardly be described as five stars. Probably four and a half, tops. The side dishes were probably either lobster or steak, but not both, budget cutbacks. The owners and players probably only brought their B-list girlfriends and drove in last year's Benz.

Anyway, in what probably looked like the Upper Crust version of a high school cafeteria, with all the owners sitting at one table, the players at another, and Sean Avery serving food and washing dishes, they came to the decision to meet again, an agreement which just sounds like it started off with a decision to make a decision or something ludicrous. This is a most ultimate test of trial, tribulation, and tolerance. May the rewards of a shortened season and debilitated players be worth this financial game of chicken.

Day 55 - Molson of a...

The negative externalities from the lack of hockey have begun to dig deep into the foamy pockets of beer distributors, namely Molson who has decided to seek damages from the NHL if hockey doesn't return anytime soon. This leads me to think that every industry who has come to depend on revenue in some form from hockey should just form a class action lawsuit and sue the Gary Bettman and all of the owners, setting an awesome precedent for any time an industry gets devastated.

If Molson is able to sue the National Hockey League, then the following entities should be allowed to sue as well:

Every bar and grill or restaurant whose winter revenues come from mostly from hockey. This would give us the opportunity to see Bennigan's make a huge comeback. I miss the Turkey O'Toole.

The kids in third world countries who have come to depend on apparel from the playoff losers and really wanted the 2013 version of the San Jose Sharks Western Champions shirts.

The water companies that keep us hydrated after drinking Molson, like Deer Park and Bud Light.

The doctors and nurses who have come to depend on revenue from people who concuss each other during and after games and can never remember if they've paid their bill, so they pay it again anyway.

Every construction company in a major city. If Vancouver doesn't have hockey, where are they going to come up with the funds to rebuild their city after hockey?

I applaud Molson for having the gall and lucidity to stand up to the NHL and say no more. People need hockey and beer in their lives. Godspeed, sirs.

Day 54 - Negotiations, Evidently Day Three

Slightly beknownst to me, the players and the owners have taken it upon themselves to behave like adults and have indulged themselves in meeting at an undisclosed location in New York (in my head, it's probably Famous Ray's, so that no one can ever hope to find them) in order to come to some sort of friendly agreement (this season's canceled and Santa isn't real, sorry Taylor). While I would like to think they have spent the last three days brutally discussing every caveat of the CBA, finances, and player contracts for the next five years, some small part of me feels like they are doing something trivial and menial, like exchanging rookie cards for sale on eBay, since that may be the only source of hockey revenue we see this season.

Donald Fehr has reportedly been communicating the wrong information to the players in regards to what the owners have been negotiating (No, Mr. Crosby, they didn't say that your mom was a fat pig who should put out of her own misery, they called her swine...SWINE, Mr. Crosby). None of this will be known for sure until the hockey lockout ends or until Anoynomus hacks Donald Fehr's e-mail account, but the cynical and conspiracy theory part of me can't help but wonder if Donald Fehr is trying to get as much mileage out of "Owners Being Un-Fehr" as much as possible. All good union disagreements have been solved with uncanny puns, dating back to the MLB Player's Strike when their union leader declared "Players Demand Fehr Treatment". Wait, this is the same guy? Crap.

Day 53 - Barnstorming Tour

If the loveable Donald Fehr and Gary Bettman are unable to come to an agreement soon and the second full season of hockey in seven years is lost, there have been talks of a Barnstorming Tour of the All-Stars. Based on my recollection of many night scouring Wikipedia for random articles and trivia, my understanding was that this was used by sports leagues in their early days in order to start building a brand, pretty smart given that the only social media at the time included newspaper ads, singing telegrams, and people shouting on telephone poles. (And I would love to see those guys with a 140 character limit or people taking out newspaper ads to announce they had a baby).

The default barnstorming tour article makes this all the more epic. Proper barnstorming is the use of biplanes to put on an air show. I would love nothing more than to see Alex Ovechkin and Sidney Crosby in a dog fight in southern California, with those old style aviation goggles taking up all the space on their head. And it would finally make the name the Philadelphia Flyers make so much sense. I don't really know the history of their name, but man, if the barnstorming tour does take place in this capacity (rather than the logical visiting of  major league rinks), what a marketing campaign. Oh and the puns, so many puns. Imagine Aaron Asham getting called for high sticking. I must develop this further and get it over the headquarters of the players immediately.

Day 52 - Election Day

One of the bigger downsides to hockey is that with no games to be played, I am paying a lot more attention to politics than I should be. The bigger travesty is that neither candidate is running on the false promise of returning hockey to the arenas of major cities in America and Canada. I grew up in the belief of the American political system, that every candidate should promise way more than can possibly hope to achieve in at most eight years in the Oval Office and deliver a small warped percentage of the things they said they would. In this instance, Romney and Obama could have stated that the NHL will be back with an 82 game schedule, the Winter Classic will be a five team round robin featuring the Caps, Pens, Canes, Flyers, and Devils, and all waffle cones will be free on one's birthday. The clear follow-through from this could have been: a 66 game schedule, a Winter Classic, and waffle cones will still be available. 

I am disappointed in this year's candidates who did not feel the need to appeal to the lost and broken hockey fan. You should have been skating on the ice, kissing little baby goalies, and swaying us with astrology-esque rhetoric that stated that hockey will return under my tutelage. I guarantee it. It just occurred to me that you could have marketed this as another "Cold War", joining forces with the History Channel to sell more documentaries. Shame on you, politicians. I will now be getting my false hope from James Bond and World of Warcraft. Thank you.

Day 51 - P for Pancetta

The players are poised to perpetuate their perplexing position, purposefully putting their proprietors in a painful post pursuant to their pecuniary predilection over plaintive palimpsests. Perhaps if these parsimonious padrones could ponder their point and place, the present pace of this padlocked pastime could proceed to a primary pinnacle placating practitioners of polar pleasure posthaste. Plus, people could palaver over palative pitch and publication promoting palmary principal probity. Purge the palisades and patronize the palingenesis of your once popular pallid pugnations. Procure a panacea of epic proportions.

Day 50 - The Washington Wizards are in Full Swing

There was a time when people feared the Washington Wizards. That 23 year period from 1974-1997 when they were called the bullets. At least that's what they told as kids when they wanted to change the name to the Wizards. The only real excitement from a Wizards game was knowing that waiting beneath the court, there was a hockey rink wanting so desperately to be played on. I like to think that basketball courts are there to massage the ice for hockey rinks, since I've personified everything since "Toy Story" came out.
As is to be expected from the Wizards, they have opened the season to two underwhelming losses. One came against a Lebronless Cavaliers squad and the other came against an aged Celtics team, guys who probably remember playing with actual baskets attached to walls. There was a time when I thought the Wizards would be worth my five second attention span (long enough for me to call that foul). During the time of Gilbert Arenas, I can actually admit to watching pro basketball. The only other time was when John Wall was going to lead us into the next generation of Wizards winning streaks, only to break down when he realized he was playing in DC.
I've turned my efforts into trying to turn the Wizards into a hockey affiliate called the Washington Blizzards. They would comarket with any and all local Dairy Queens.Gary Bettman is all on board with me turning a basketball market into a hockey one.
Keep up the good work, Wizards. You are at least providing us with something no other team can. Consistency.

Day 49 - High School Hockey is in Full Swing

I subscribe to my first high school's weekly e-mail, just because I like to be somewhat associated with success and they didn't disappoint. Their hockey team, in a school with no rink and really no ice, save for the occasional "Storm of the Century", beat a rival, 6-4. It occurred to me that at that level, there really is no pettiness or squabbling, save for the normal pettiness and squabbling that is to be expected out of high schoolers, but nothing at the caliber as seen by their professional counterparts. It occurred to me that one of the fundamental high school sports can exist is because of the undying power, the control that is bestowed upon the unspoken leaders of the sports world...the sports mom.
At first glance, the sports mom is in charge of just snacks. This is a common mistake (and punishable by murder) The sports mom is in charge of everything. She ensures that everyone is safe at all times and that wounds are treated with a good blend of medicine, ointment, and spit. She ensures that everyone plays a fair and regulated game by unrelentingly getting into the faces of refs. She ensures that bad calls are known by shrieking her shrill voice across the land until her wraith call is rewarded with the correct ruling on the field. She is willing to go the extra distance to see her little boy happy.
What we need is all the Canadian moms grilling up Canadian bacon and getting ready to say "aboot" a lot. We need the Swedish moms to be prepared with their finest meatballs and fingers ready to snap the neck of a ref like a peace of Ikea furniture. We need the Russian moms to prepare their magical water that is totally not vodka and prepare themselves to kick some baboushka. They will diplomatically show the owners' moms the errors of their ways and when that doesn't work, rip the players' contracts out of their hands and beat the owners' moms with them, as all true sports justice should unfold.
Moms of the sporting world, we salute you. And we thank you in advance for salvaging our hockey season. We also really want orange slices and Capri Sun.

Day 48 - The Winter Classic...Fried

Reverberating across the magical land of hockey world (Narnia, without the annoying chattering beavers), was the death knell of the beloved game as the piercing words that shot from Gary Bettman's lips announced the cancellation of the Winter Classic. With those verbal bullets, he not only canceled the NHL's most exciting event outside of the Stanley Cup, he basically took away from us the beleaguered 2012-2013 season. With his apathetic attitude toward the players and fans, he gave up his one last piece of leverage and negotiation tactic. The Winter Classic would have been a perfect starting point, a clean slate between the owners and players, taking place on New Year's, the renewed CBA and year representing the symbolic refreshment of the novel calendar and hockey's new direction. This season is now nothing more than a sports metaphor the sinking of the Titanic (where clearly Filip Forsberg in DiCaprio and Scott Gomez is that little foreign dude).
The WC was to take place at the Big House, which houses somewhere between 100,000 and 10 million people, making it one of the biggest arenas where an NHL game took place. The Toronto Maple Leafs and Detroit Red Wings would have assuredly sold every seat available. Hell, they could have sold every seat in Ann Arbor to those fanbases just to see the Toldeo Walleye take on the Reading Royals. I would pay money just to see the players from the Reading Royals sing a karaoke version of Reading Rainbow. This event would have made a ton of money. It would have made the 1997 World Series look like the 2012 World Series.
In its stead, we are treated to the false hope that there may be superstar hockey in America next year. Gone as well is this year's treatment of 24/7, which has given us a behind-the-scenes look into what these weaponized men do in their spare time. In 2010, during the Caps-Pens iteration, we saw that most Caps players are like Caps fans. They drink and cuss and complain about how terrible the Caps are doing. And we are being denied the Canadian version of that.
Gary Bettman, you are a disappointment as a league commissioner. And I play fantasy football with a cheating scoundrel.

Day 47 - A Murder of Escrows

Next Wednesday, the locked out players will receive their escrow checks. An escrow is a fairly basic contract between two parties and in the context of the NHL meant the owners withheld a portion of a player's check (in this case 7.98% of last year's salary). The holdings were to be dispersed in the highly likely event of a lockout. In layman's terms, the league's bottom-feeders made around the American median salary in one paycheck (approximately $50,000) and the superstars raked in barely under $1 million dollars. With most players off in foreign lands or minor American cities anyway, this is rather trite. I'm not cynical. This is money they were due, but I would much rather see these guys fighting on the ice, rather than across a negotiation table.

In other news, Disney acquired LucasArts in a move that can only make our hockey movies better. The Mighty Ducks trilogy will finally have a prequel and a sequel trilogy, closing off any open plot holes (and finally featuring Emilio Estevez donning the black suit and mask as an asthmatic goalie). We'll get to follow the team as they go through college and learn to cope with having Ewoks on the team. They will also be remaking "Miracle", keeping it closer to historical accuracy as Obi-Wan Kenobi scores the game-winning goal with a Force push. In non-hockey related Disney sports movies, Lando Calrissian will lead a team of Titans to a national championship against an all-white Galactic Empire. The possibilities are rather endless. Congratulations, Rob Iger!

Day 46 - Hockey's Most Popular Halloween Costumes

Fans - Most fans are dressing as the Grim Reaper or Gary Bettman, representing the death of the 2012-2013 season.

Alexander Ovechkin - Is dressing up like a resident of Russia. Is going so far as to purchase a house, car, and cell phone with a Russian phone number

Managers - Collectively decided to skip Halloween, but plan on stirring up fan emotions in a witches brew.

Gary Bettman - Is going as a likeable villain, but can't decide between "Cold Heart" or "No Heart". Also finding creative ways to use his new catchphrase, "I Don't Care Bears".

Coaches - Are going as scouts. Oh, those aren't costumes, those are assignments.

Toronto and Detroit fans - Followers these two teams are dressing up as Egg Nog, so they can go as a Winter Classic.

Sidney Crosby - Once again going as Iron Man, not because he thinks he's a kid, but because he still thinks it's 2010.

Refs - Are going as Pop Warner refs. They have held this ruse since 1977.

Owners - The owners are dressing up in ball caps of their favorite teams, jerseys of their favorite players, and ripped jeans, with ticket stubs in their pants pockets. They are going as people who support hockey.

Day 45 - You Have Forced Me to Write Emo Poetry

I don't think
An empty rink
Makes much in profit
So please just ink

A new fair deal
And make fans squeal
When the players return
To praise and seal

It would be nice
To see on ice
The players in jerseys
Just pay their price

Please understand
Their high demands
They risk nothing
But their heads, teeth, and hands

These upturn seats
Could be replete
Even if this season
Can't be complete

I urge you
To purge you
Of this blood
So I don't have to dirge you.

Bring back this sport
of the gods I exhort
Give in to the fans
And their loyal support

Before we turn
Away and burn
Convincingly entice
My respect you must earn

I don't want to say I'll make'em
But here's my ultimatum
Give us back our hockey
Or we'll have to forsake'em

Day 44 - Urge to Kill...Rising

I think I now know the blood lust that every player on the Philadelphia Flyers must feel on the off-season. This is more than withdrawal. I have built up a tolerance NHL '12 and Stanley Cup Finals replays. I need more to keep me sustained. Everything I look at now seems to be an instrument for hockey. I saw some brooms in a closet and wanted to start my own league based on that concept. I even have a slogan. Every series is a sweep. I'm thinking of recruiting local athletes, maybe some of the leftovers from the championship Quidditch team if they didn't go and graduate.

Does anybody know anything about sports marketing?

Day 43 - Fantasy Football Island

A trilogy of terror concluded today as my fantasy team totally flamed out. For those of you unfamiliar with this tradition, fantasy sports has been best described as "Dungeons and Dragons for Jocks" and I have 4d6 + Crap when it comes to choosing my teams. Apparently, I need to get wedgied by both jocks and nerdy jocks. The anchor of my football team was RGIII, my wizard, who fell horribly the Goblins as represented by the oddly striped Pittsburgh Steelers a weekend of just terrible uniforms.

My season is all about done as far as fantasy is concerned and I have no hockey to balance this out. I need to beg and plead with Gary Bettman to bring back hockey so I don't have to resort to shoddy comparisons between obscure nerd games and football teams that wouldn't even exist in Madden '13.

Day 42 - The Meaning of Strife, the Universe, and Everything

I was looking forward to today to get me over the general malaise that had overcome me from Gary Bettman  ringing the executioner's death knell on this year's hockey season. On this day, I turned to both my alma mater, the NC State Wolfpack and my new found, girlfriend-led loyalty to Gainesville's Florida Gators. Hopes were pretty high for NC State, having been only two weeks removed from their win over #3 (and Gators rivals) Florida State and their amazing victory over the unamazing Maryland Terrapins after a huge defensive stop by the player of the game, the left goal post.

The game started basically as expected with NC State delivering an underwhelming performance against the Tar Heels of UNC, allowing 15 points in the span of 102 seconds. NC State refused to give up and they put themselves on top 28-25 to end the half. After one more TD in the 3rd quarter, it looked like the Pack was putting the game out of reach. However, I've lived in and watched Maryland and North Carolina area sports. I know all too well that a win is never guaranteed, not even in the final 60 seconds (the Miracle Minute still echoes in the recesses of my College Park memories). Carolina scored ten unanswered points, tying it up at 35 all with 2:09 to go. For most teams, this would mean overtime. For State, this was the grand opportunity to disappoint fans in the worst way possible. After Carolina fed of the surge of the tie, the Pack punted to Giovani Bernard, half Barry Sanders, half Devin Hester, and half cheetah (using UNC math). He returned the punt for a touchdown, after which the Tar Heels sea salted the wound with a two point conversion. It was time to turn my attention to my lady's Gators.

The Gators game picked up where the Wolfpack game left off. Dropped passes, missed tackles, a higher turnover rate than a McDonald's. The over-under for this game was 46, meaning analysts were predicting a pretty high scoring game, not West Virginia-Baylor levels, but still a fairly well-lit scoreboard. After the first half, the score was 7-6 in favor of the Georgia Bulldogs, a match that was lovingly described as a sixty minute game of bloopers by my lady Gator's mom. The field goal strategy implemented by Florida seemed to be paying off dividends, but ultimately, the 90th/91st, I mean the 90th meeting between the two schools was put away by Aaron Murray on a 45-yard touchdown after the refs ruled the Gators had only five yards to convert on a crucial play.

This weekend can only look up.

Day 41 - Is the season half-full or half-empty?

Gary Bettman has officially announced the cancellation of hockey through November, delivering the coup-de-grace on the full season and the incipient nail in the coffin for the entirety of the 2012-2013 season. The way this leg of the negotiations reminded me of that part in "Angels in the Outfield" where Joseph Gordon-Levitt beckons his father on when they would be a family again. Basically, Christopher Lloyd needs to team up with Donald Fehr in order for us to see any semblance of the world renowned ice sport.

Friday felt a lot like a divorce hearing. The players and the owners reminds me of "mommy and daddy fighting again". I'm half-expecting to hear Gary Bettman say, "now you kids can see hockey every other weekend and Wednesdays. And your new Uncle Colin will pick you up!" Divorce usually meant a lot less visual yelling but you were usually guaranteed twice the presents, so what I'm hoping will come from this is that we get a hockey that continues through August. And when the monthly fan support checks come in, I hope they count it as a hockey related cost.

PS: The answer is half-full. Hockey fans don't get depressed.

Day 40 - Forty Days and Forty Nights

We have now reached a Biblical milestone in this standoff between owners and players as the fans and the staff members become the collateral damage in this fool's errand that can only end in a temporary Pyrrhic victory for whoever comes out on top. For forty days and forty nights, there has been nothing but a downpour of negativity, a culture of hopelessness that seems to say move on, but like a clingy ex, I just can't seem to let go. I refuse to believe there are greener pastures out there and just want to see things like they were in the good old days, with my hockey video game covers dominated by Gretzky or Lemieux, with hockey games aired on ESPN for no reason or any reason, and with the Caps losing playoff serieses (sp?) in Landover.

On board this ark of despair, there are two of each kind of fan. There's the realistic fan, who has assumed defeat and has relegated themselves to a spiritual sequel of 2004-2005. They have adequately prepared themselves by storing up several hours of hockey classics on their DVR or they simply block away and repress any memories that hockey ever existed in the first place, calling it some sort of Canadian soccer when friends bring up the lockout in casual conversation. There's the bandwagon fan, which can come in two flavors. There's the typical bandwagon fan who cheers for their team when they are doing well. And then there's the bandwagon fan who is glad that there is no hockey to interrupt you during book club reading time. This is typically called a girlfriend and if you're dating someone who can't deal with the fact that you know Rod Brindamour's anniversary better than your own, then you should probably move on. Finally, there is the hardcore fan, who refuses to give up. It's like the rookie highlight of Ovechkin scoring that goal on Phoenix. These people are down, but they are not out. They will fight for this lost cause. They proudly adorn themselves with the jersey on what should have been game day. They annoy their friends with their delusion, but are almost pathetically loveable in their immense and undying obsession.

Tomorrow, the players' self-imposed deadline ends, with no talks between the owners and athletes. The outlook is gloomy and grim, but still I desperately cling to the thread of hope that the twig-wielders will return to the ice, with a full season, ready and willing to give it their all. I also feel that this is the Caps' year to win the Cup. I reject your reality and substitute my own!